Hello! Welcome to DVDInMyPants’ third annual Bad Movie Night, where we take a slew of DVD screeners and attempt to give them as much love as is warranted – which means not much. Look, I know some titles are much more interesting than the rest – who wants to watch these when you’ve got Sanford And Son: The Complete Series, right? But don’t worry; we’re here to help! We’ve taken four films – this time not necessarily bad per se, but definitely disappointing, and have pitted them in a free-for-all in order to tell you, the home viewer, which film is most deserving of your time. Isn’t that exciting?

Contestant #1: Breathing Room

This is exactly what I needed in my life: a remake of Saw II mixed with a good old-fashioned game of Mafia/Werewolf. That might sound like a put-down, but as readers of this site know, Saw II is not only the best Saw movie in the franchise, but it just might be the best movie in the world. That’s not to say Breathing Room is the best film out of the bunch – oh no – it’s still a fairly clunky exercise in a well-worn one-room genre that includes such classics as 12 Angry Men and Cube – both the same movies when you think about it, really. The plot is simple: a group of people are shoved into a room with shock collars, a list of hints and rules (including such gems as “DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE,” and “WASH YOUR HANDS”) and told that not only will there be but one survivor, but amongst them are a killer, a pedophile and a rapist. Breathing Room works at the very least as emotional baiting, even at its most cliché.

Overall: 3

Contestant #2: Bryan Loves You

Bryan Loves You is an intriguing mess: full of paranoia, weird thoughts and strange ideas. It’s packed with enough genre cameos (if you’ve been paying attention to such films as House and King Of The Ants, you will fucking acknowledge that George Went deserves the “Horror Genre Cameo Master” title) to make you think that there’s something flying under your radar, but unfortunately the film comes off as a clumsy gimmick. Based on a “true story” and culled from hours and hours of “found footage,” writer/director Seth Landau stars as a young man who finds his town being overrun by the mysterious Bryan cult. The cult, at first unthreatening as they worship their murdered god while wearing blank whiteface masks turn to the ickiest as they try to persuade Landau to join their cult. Bryan Loves You has far too much on its mind – from the impact of security monitoring to the dangerous nature of mob mentality – to actually be considered fun, but it is interesting to see what Landau is trying to achieve. Add to that, a silly audio commentary makes the film and the DVD that much more tolerable.

Overall: 3

Contestant #3: Five Across The Eyes

Here’s something that you rarely expect: a rather inventive, sometimes effective shitty movie. Five Across The Eyes is typical snuff material: five screaming nitwits are assaulted by an angry soccer mom who, without warning, assault the five with a plethora of torture devices; first starting off with making them strip down to their underpants, escalating to shotgun blasts and eventually propelling to screwdriver-in-vagina torture. What sets Five Across The Eyes apart from the rest is the restrictive nature of the film: it is both presented in real time, and every shot is taken from inside the protagonists’ van, no exceptions. This sometimes leads to fantastically teasing scenes where the point-of-view is left to linger on a dark field interrupted by the flash of gunfire, but most of the film consists of five teenage girls shrieking every line of blood-spattered dialogue. Transgression wins over artistic experimentation.

Overall: 2 & ½

Contestant #4: The Vanguard

The most accomplished, assured and professional film of the lot might also be the dullest, to boot. It’s 2015, and all the world’s resources have dried up – no oil, little food and water, all of the apocalypse’s greatest hits. The government, sneaky bastards they are, decide to develop a cure for these problems – take a shot, and you’ll no longer have to rely on food or beverage anymore. Unfortunately this is the government we’re talking about, and the “cure” they came up with was actually a ruse to execute the world’s poor population. Sounds dynamite, right? Well, unfortunately the entire film plays out in the jungle, with only these little plotlines thrown out at you via slow, unfolding character development sandwiched between scenes of zombies (and they are zombies, mind you) and humans getting knocked off. The Vanguard is polarizing, taking its sweet-ass time to develop any sort of coherent story, in favor of artistic contemplation Overall. While this is absolutely appreciated, The Vanguard almost put me to sleep. I was, of course, hung over at the time.

Overall: 3 & ½

And the winner is...

While it’s not a ringing endorsement, The Vanguard is minimalist, artful, grotesque, frustrating and tiresome. It has a lot of thought behind it and, unlike Bryan Loves You, manages to convey its ideas with conviction, even when its ideas are less than captivating. I’d say the film is certainly more worthy of admiration rather than being viewed as entertainment. The Vanguard is atmospheric, still and dreamlike while still delivering blood and guts at a consistent rate. Best of all, it probably won’t leave a bad taste in your mouth like the other films. Bonus points.