It used to be surprisingly easy to pick something out for you and your family to watch at the video store. Ah, those were the good ol’ days… before the big chains started to wrap around and bind the mom and pop video stores into oblivion. Back then, you could just walk in, glance at the “New Release” shelf (note: that’s singular, not plural) and see if the title you wanted was in or not. If it was, you paid your fee and made your way home with your rental… if it wasn’t, you probably said “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow -- hold it for me if you can” and left (or you picked out a secondary choice and said, “Let’s see if the new Chuck Norris film is any good or not.”)

In an effort to help you, the hapless souls who just can’t seem to make up their minds, I have devised another lame-ass feature entitled Catching Up At The Video Store (I was originally going to call it Catching Up With Depeche Mode, but that title was taken), wherein I present you with several very random and unrelated titles that any good hodgepodge video store would offer.

Ghostboat (2006)
MPI / Released September 30, 2008

Jack Hardy (David Jason, the voice behind “Danger Mouse”!) was the only survivor of a British submarine that plain up and disappeared towards the end of World War II. Having no memory of why or how he left the ship before it disappeared, Hardy has lived the last couple of decades in near-solitude. But when the ageless vessel mysteriously appears out of nowhere one day amid the Cold War during the 1980, a man who has spent the last several years confronting his demons is forced to reluctantly return to his former life when British authorities opt to take the ship out on its last known course (with a new crew, naturally) to see what in God’s name had happened years before.

Ghostboat starts out nice and gets ever better from there, and Multiple Award Winning actor David Jason (“Only Fools And Horses”, “A Touch Of Frost”) does an admirable job of keeping the two-part British Miniseries Ghostboat afloat for the most part (or underwater, as it were). Sadly, the whole production begins to lose some steam towards the last half of the second chapter and reaches the point of “Huh? What?” (even for a Made-for-British-TV-possessed-ghost-ship type of thing).

MPI’s single-disc release of Ghostboat presents the two-parter without all of the television breaks that annoyed its British viewers during its initial run. The 1.78:1 video presentation is quite adequate, as is the 2-Channel Surround audio. Optional English Subtitles are included, but there are no Special Features to be found.

Overall Rating: 3.5

Affair In Trinidad (1952)
Sony / Released September 23, 2008

“At the risk of dislocating your personality, try to remain calm.”

Made as a personal tax dodge for Rita Hayworth (no, seriously, it was), Affair In Trinidad brought an already retired Hayworth back to the silver screen along with her Gilda co-star Glenn Ford in an attempt to, well… entertain us or something. Instead, Affair In Trinidad only offers up a few slightly provocative (for the 50s) dances from Rita and not much else in a story of Steve Emery (Ford), who arrives in a gritty, seedy Trinidad to see his artist brother about a job. Unfortunately, Steve learns that his brother is dead, the victim of an alleged suicide. Convinced that his dearly departed sibling’s death was anything but self-inflicted, Steve dives into an even grittier, seedier side of the city to discover the truth… finding time to hook up with his late brother’s wife (nightclub dancer Hayworth) in the process.

One of the five movies Sony released for the launch of its Martini Movies lineup, Affair In Trinidad makes its dazzling debut with a wonderful transfer that compliments the black-and-white noir imagery and your choice of English or French Mono Stereo sound (both of which are relatively clean sounding). The only Extras included are two Martini Minutes Featurettes (How To Play The Leading Lady, How To Play The Leading Man) and the original Theatrical Trailer.

Overall Rating: 3.5

Scorpion (2007)
Anchor Bay / Released September 16, 2008

As a general rule of thumb, I try to avoid watching any sort of film with the word “scorpion” in the title. Why? Because they always suck, that’s why. Allow me to elucidate: The Scorpion King, Curse Of The Jade Scorpion, Scorpion (1986), Red Scorpion, Black Scorpion II: Aftershock… Now, assuming that have had the good fortune to see all of the aforementioned titles (and barring those of you who have absolutely no taste whatsoever), you can pretty much understand why I have created my rule.

This particular Scorpion (2007) sucks, too -- it’s an asinine Extreme Fighting flick that would have a hard time even holding the interest of the brain-dead MMA fanatics it was made for. Thankfully, the 1.85:1 anamorphic release doesn’t have any Extras to bore you any further. English 5.1 and 2.0 soundtracks are included.

Overall Rating: 1.0

Linewatch (2008)
Sony / Released October 21, 2008

Cuba Gooding, Jr. adds another notch to the handle of his bad movie gun in this lackluster action drama from Stage 6 Productions. Mike “Mad Dog” Dixon (Cuba) is a Border Patrol Officer in New Mexico (a Stage 6 trademark) whose life becomes endangered when his old gangbanger buddies show up-a-wantin’ him to do some dirty work for them. His work life complicates things further when some rednecks mark him for death after he flat out tells them “No, you can’t play Border Patrol just because you hate Mexicans!” Sharon Leal (yum), Omari Hardwick, Evan Ross (Diana’s son), and failed rapper AMG co-star, along with Dean Norris and Chris Browning.

Although Linewatch makes good use of its desolate New Mexico surroundings, the actual onscreen events offer up little more to the average viewer than some decent acting. Sony’s 2.40:1 anamorphic transfer of the film looks really nice, with sound options available in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Thai (all DD 5.1) and French (Dolby Surround) and Subtitles in all the previously mentioned languages plus Chinese. Special Features include a 19-minute Behind-The-Scenes Featurette and a shitload of Previews.

Overall Rating: 1.5

Man, Woman, And The Wall (2007)
TLA / Released July 29, 2008

Only the Japanese, kids. Masashi Yamamoto brings us a tawdry tale of obsession wherein dorky reporter Ryo (Keita Ohno) moves in next door to a total hottie named Satsuki (Japanese adult actress Sola Aoi -- a.k.a. Sora Aoi). When the horny little bastard discovers that the walls between their respective pads are about as thin as the movie’s plot, he compulsively listens to just about everything she does, and thinks little of doing anything else than masturbating… which is about all this pinku film (or blue film, depending on which side of the Pacific you’re on) is good for. Sola/Sora Aoi is indeed a beauty, but dammit, quit pretending there’s a plot and just show us some skin already!

I really have to hand it to TLA for releasing some truly off-the-wall shit and packing a few Extra Features on their releases as well: Man, Woman, And The Wall silently drifts onto DVD sporting a Making-Of Featurette and a Trailer. The movie itself is presented in a non-anamorphic (hey, it’s Japanese softcore, for Pete’s sake, what‘d you expect?) 1.77:1 ratio with Japanese Stereo sound (and English Subtitles… just in case you’re going to actually watch the film as opposed to doing the whole “skim to the skin” thing while the wife is away).

Overall Rating: 2.5

OK, so Bottom Line: some of these movies are worth your time while some of them just aren’t. Read ‘em over, weigh out the options, and then go down to the store and grab your pick, making sure to blurt out “Some fucking idiot from that stupid DVD In My Pants.com website recommended this!” You’ll be surprised how much time you save and how truly easy it will be to pick something up now (not to mention the funny looks the video store clerks will give you).

In the words of George Zimmer: “I guarantee it.”