Once upon a time, not all that long ago, your chances of finding complete seasons of your favorite television show on home video were pretty slim (outside of various Columbia House scams--er, um, deals on TV and in magazines). Part of this was probably due to the limited means distributors had available at the time (e.g. analog vertical helix scan videocassettes with restricted recording lengths). But, come the dawn of digital versatile discs, some geek over at Fox decided, “Hey, let’s put the entire first season of The X-Files on DVD and see what happens!”.

My point to all of this? Well, none, as usual… but it has come to my attention that every single distributor out there is restoring (sometimes) and releasing (again, sometimes) every single vintage and modern television series that ever hit the airwaves… all in the name of money--er, um, quality.

One such company that has been raiding their vaults for the last couple of years now to bring you virtually every known television series known to man is CBS/Paramount (well, they’re two companies, really -- but you get my gist). Aside from the seemingly-consistent bi-annual boycott that an obsessed Internet fanbase likes to occasionally implement on their products (for altering music and editing episodes), CBS/Paramount is without a doubt the leader in TV On DVD, and, with their more-than-generous assistance, I bring you Catching Up At The Video Store, Volume 2: Episodic Boogaloo.

Beverly Hills 90210: The Sixth Season
CBS/Paramount / Released November 25, 2008 / Runtime: 1425 minutes

OK, personally, I never saw the appeal of this show… people like the characters depicted in this show make me sick and the world would be a lot better off if they all dropped dead. Nevertheless, 90210’s charm must have been considerably noteworthy since it lasted for ten seasons, spawned a couple of spin-offs, and has been parodied or referenced an infinite number of times since its inception. Actually, no, wait, I take that back… I never saw the appeal of this show because I flat out never watched it (something about the cookie-cutter characters played by real-life Ken and Barbie dolls) -- a track record I regretfully broke when I popped in Beverly Hills 90210: The Sixth Season and promptly said, “Hey, I thought that Shannon Doherty chick was in this!” Turns out I was a little late to the game: Doherty and her infamous Brenda Walsh character left the popular teen dream drama during its Fourth Season (which is also on DVD -- surprise!) to pursue a mediocre career in mediocre Made-for-Cable-TV obscurities and Mallrats.

So anyway, Beverly Hills 90210: The Sixth Season finds our rich white yuppie bastard heroes wrapping up all of the various cliffhangers from Season Five (a common practice amongst season premieres) and soon getting engrossed with new dilemmas: Brandon (Jason Priestly) returns to L.A. and the house inhabited by the on-again/off-again psycho Valerie (Tiffani Thiessen); Dylan (Luke Perry) obsesses over his murdered father to the point of mania; the spoiled Donna (Tori Spelling) is still spoiled; Steve (Ian Ziering) is still a big dumb douche; while Kelly (Jennie Garth) and her beau Colin (Jason Wiles) are, well… hey, this is Kelly we’re talking about, so do you really expect this relationship to last? Oh, dammit, listen to me, it only took two episodes, but the accursed 90210 charm has suckered me in! Drat, drat, drat, now I know why I didn’t watch it when it was on… I didn’t want to get caught up in its evil! Damn it all!

CBS/Paramount brings us all 31 episodes of Beverly Hills 90210: The Sixth Season packed onto 7-Discs in their original 1.33:1 ratios with 2-Channel Surround Sound with English, Spanish, and Portuguese Subtitle options. Since this show was made and aired between 1995 and 1996, the video quality isn’t all that great -- as such, the picture is rather grainy and/or soft throughout. Sadly, no Special Features are included in this set other than a few Previews for other TV shows on DVD.

Feature: 3.5
Audio: 3.0
Video: 3.0
Special Features: 0.0

Overall Rating: 3.0

The L Word - The Complete Fifth Season
CBS/Paramount/Showtime / Released October 21, 2008 / Runtime: 658 minutes

In addition to their extensive line of CBS and Paramount titles, CBS/Paramount also handles the releasing of a number of Showtime Series, such as “The L Word”, the lesbian equivalent of “Queer As Folk”. A perennial late night Showtime favorite among the LGBT crowd (as well as straight horny men who just want to see women gettin’ it on), “The L Word”: The Complete Fifth Season starts out with enough recaps from the previous four seasons to literally make your head spin -- and there are so many unresolved issues and plot points to cover in Season Five that you’ll find yourself wondering if they’ll get to them all in just 12 episodes (and yet, somehow, they do -- and find time for even more storylines)!

Although people from both the LGBT and conservative Christian communities continue to quarrel over this controversial series (the former may argue that the show portrays lesbian women in a stereotypical manner while the latter simply have nothing better to do), there’s no disputing the fact that “The L Word” has some truly remarkable writers and actresses giving the show their all (by the way, there’s a Pam Grier-visiting-prison moment in this season that will have all 70s Blaxploitation lovers grinning from ear to ear).

For the DVD release of the “The L Word”: The Complete Fifth Season, the collective brains behind CBS/Paramount/Showtime have given us all twelve episodes in their original 1.78:1 ratio (anamorphic, of course) with three audio options (English Stereo, English DD5.1, and Spanish Mono Stereo) and an assortment of surprisingly disappointing Extras (which mostly serve to promote other Showtime series instead): 2 Episodes from “The Tudors”; a couple of Featurettes; a PSA for the Point Foundation; a Music Video; Cast Bios; Gallery; the ability to unlock some online episodes for “Californication” and “Dexter”, and that’s about it.

But it’s still a good buy.

Feature: 4.0
Audio: 4.0
Video: 3.5
Special Features: 3.0

Overall Rating: 3.5

7^th Heaven - The Complete Seventh Season
CBS/Paramount / Released November 11, 2008 / Runtime: 971 minutes

Poor Stephen Collins. Not only did he get screwed out of the prospect of starring in the unrealized Star Trek: Phase II series when studio execs decided to make Star Trek: The Motion Picture instead, but it was nothing but mediocre TV from then on. Fortunately for the super nice and underrated actor, he managed to land a starring role in 7^th Heaven, which supplied him some steady paychecks for eleven years. In it, Collins plays Reverend Camden, a father of seven kids with his wife, Annie (Catherine Hicks, another member of the prestigious Star Trek Movie Alumni).

7^th Heaven explored the joys of parental and marital bliss and the wisdom we learn therein… it was also one of the most super-conservative piles of bullshit to ever be forced upon viewing audiences, and the show’s message of “Sex is bad unless you’re doing it to have children -- in which case, overpopulating the Earth is OK because it’s God’s will!”, “God is good, God is watching, God is real!”, and “Only white people will go to heaven.” is enough to make you sick. The show’s only saving grace for many was the casting of Jessica Biel (who officially leaves the show in this season), who, immediately after leaving the series, went onto star in the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (bad movie, good move). Actually, it’s kind of amusing to note that many of the series’ stars went on to appear in horror films -- plus Lance Bass appeared in a few episodes of Season Four -- so take that, God!

Another Special Feature-less release from CBS/Paramount, 7^th Heaven - The Complete Seventh Season sports a nice-looking transfer for all 22 episodes of this 5-Disc Set, with a modest Stereo soundtrack accompanying.

Feature: 0.5
Audio: 3.5
Video: 3.5
Special Features: 0.0

Overall Rating: 2.5

Sister, Sister - The First Season
CBS/Paramount / Released October 28, 2008 / Runtime: 277 minutes

As to how some shows get a greenlight is beyond me. As to how shows like Sister, Sister managed to stay on the air for six whole years goes even further than beyond me… but I suppose it can all be attributable to people that didn’t have Cable TV installed in their homes and white Christian kids that though that, by watching this Full House-inspired family sitcom, they would somehow feel closer to the black children they went to school with.

For anyone that’s actually interested, Sister, Sister is the nauseatingly-cute tale of fugly twin sisters Tia and Tamera (played by real life twins Tia and Tamera Mowry), who meet up one day by chance in a mall. From there on in, it’s canned laughter, sub-par sitcom writing, and the sight of Tia and Tamera’s respective adopted single parents played by Jackée (That Lady From 227) Harry and Tim (I Really Have Nothing To My Name Other Than WKRP In Cincinnati) Reid bickering a lot.

Fortunately, nobody at CBS/Paramount bothered to go that extra yard and include any Special Features on this one: it’s just twelve 1.33:1 episodes and English Stereo sound, folks. So be it.

Feature: 0.5
Audio: 2.5
Video: 2.5
Special Features: 0.0

Overall Rating: 1.5

Girlfriends - The Fifth Season
CBS/Paramount / Released October 28, 2008 / Runtime: 438 minutes

Contrary to what shows like Beverly Hills 90210, Gilmore Girls and The O.C. would have you believe, the greater metropolitan Los Angeles community does in fact have black people. TV execs just don’t want you to know that. They know you’re scared. They know you find greater comfort from watching rich white people squabble over things you’ll never have to worry about as opposed to poor black folk who might actually encounter a predicament that’s believable. They know you don’t like them. They don’t either. That’s why don’t renew shows like Girlfriends… although, truth be told, somebody sure as hell enjoyed Girlfriends because it lasted for almost eight full seasons!

Produced by Mara Brock Akil and Kelsey Grammer, Girlfriends is often referred to as the black version of Sex And The City. Personally, I don’t see it. Yes, the show has four female friends as the main characters… but that’s where the similarity ends in my book...leading me to believe that those who compare the two shows only ever bothered to watch the famous HBO show and never tuned into this one. To begin with, it’s a sitcom, with a laugh track (unfortunately), and the characters aren’t all completely pretentious yuppie sluts. Well, I don’t know about you, but that in itself sells me right there. The show’s plot revolves around the lives of four women, Joan (Tracee Ellis Ross, Diana’s daughter); Maya (Golden Brooks); Lynn (the absolutely gorgeous Persia White); and Toni (Jill Marie Jones). Rounding out the group is the token guy friend, William (Reggie Hayes). Either way, it’s a fun show to watch. So there.

Unlike several previous seasons, Girlfriends - The Fifth Season doesn’t contain any Special Features -- just all 22 of Season Five’s episodes in a three-disc set presented in wonderful-looking 1.78:1 widescreen presentations. Each episode has the option of an English 5.1 or Stereo sound, while only Closed Captioning is available for those of you who prefer Subtitles.

Feature: 3.5
Audio: 4.0
Video: 4.0
Special Features: 0.0

Overall Rating: 3.5

Dynasty - The Third Season, Volume Two
CBS/Paramount / Released October 21, 2008 / Runtime: 570 minutes

OK, hum the theme to Dynasty -- quick! … No, that’s the theme from Dallas you’re humming there, dummy… but you came close nonetheless. Actually, to say that there were no similarities between the two shows would be like Liberace saying he was straight (which he did anyway, but that’s beside the point) but nevertheless, the Carrington vs. Colby battles that Dynasty gave its 80s primetime viewers was done in such a glamorously campy Aaron Spelling way that not even it equally-famous network rival (the aforementioned Dallas in case you’re having trouble keeping up) could compare on that level (and still keep its dignity, that is).

Dynasty - The Third Season, Volume Two brings us the last half of Season Three with all of the trashy/classy off-screen sex, betrayal, and outrageous soap opera plotlines intact. Sure, John Forsythe and Linda Evans were great in their roles (as were many of the other cast members, including Heather Locklear and several other people who wound up with their mugshots on the front page of newspapers), but it was Joan Collins that really made the show and her portrayal of Alexis was so deviously diabolical that it earned her the honor of being Primetime’s Most Quintessential Soap Opera Bitch -- and we still love her for it today!

Despite the widespread angst over CBS/Paramount breaking up TV seasons into several DVD volumes (as opposed to releasing one set), fanboys (and girls) can relax about one thing: it appears that none of the original music has been changed here. Why? Because Aaron Spelling was too smart to ever get into that sort of battle to begin with, that’s why! All three discs housing S3/V2’s 12 Episodes include Mono Stereo soundtrack and Subtitle options in both English and Spanish.

Feature: 3.5
Audio: 3.5
Video: 3.5
Special Features: 0.0

Overall Rating: 3.0

And so… here we are… the big moment… “Which TV On DVD set do we pick up, honey?” Well, good or bad, there’s something here for everyone: ultra-Conservative preaching, mid-90s teen fare, prime time drama queens, and girl-on-girl action.

…

Really… how can you not find something to feast your orbs upon for several hours with choices like these?

Enjoy!