Memorial
Day Weekend is here, and with it the start of the summer blockbuster
season. Big movies. Big crowds. And highly over inflated expectations.
This summer it is (once again), sequel, sequel, sequel, with
superheroes and pirates taking center stage in the race for
your theater going dollar. Which blockbusters will sink, destined
to be remembered as flops? Which presumed mega-hits will live
up to the hype and expectations, swimming to memorable summer
classic status? The  staff weighs in on what big hits they think will make the
cut and which films will get the axe from viewers.
X-Men:
The Last Stand –
May 26
X-Men: The Last Stand hits theaters TODAY,
and with big expectations. The third in a comic book mutant
trilogy, director Brett Ratner takes over where Bryan Singer
left off, taking on a big cast, big special effects and an
even bigger fanbase waiting to see if he’ll pull off
a winner or fall flat on his face. So what do we think?
Stupid director, stupid
first two movies, stupid name for a movie. Outcome =
$300 million in its first minute of release. Swim!
-- Chris Knight
While fans of the previous films (and
cinema in general) are crying foul over Brett Ratner's
direction, this movie will be making a lot of money
from people who don't know who the hell the guy is.
These people did not see Money Talks.
Swim!
-- John Felix
The third film in a trilogy always has
a tough go with critics and audiences. This one looks
like it might be the exception to the rule. Swim!
-- Larry Phillips
Without Singer this thing has the potential
to move away from a made-for-TV format & really
say something beyond that superhero flicks are all about
the pose. Swim!
-- lostwire
Brett Ratner can suck my dick. Float.
-- Marq
Looks cheaply made and badly acted. Dark
Phoenix looks like Stevie Nicks dressed her. And Fraiser
is the Beast? What, just because he can sound like a
blueblood? Fuck that. Sink.
-- Comedian
VERDICT: Swim! |
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Cars –
June 9
Has Pixar ever not had a winner? Everyone has their
favorites, and that movie with the filthy disease-ridden insects
doesn’t often make favorites lists, but one would be
hard-pressed to suggest they’ve ever had a ]dud.
But … but some are wondering if Cars might turn out to be that first dud. Does this car have airbags,
or is it fish food?
No one old enough to drive will
want to see this. Sink!
-- Shawn McLoughlin
A kid's movie by a company that has yet to fail? Redneck
comedians to sell the NASCAR set? The pleasure of Owen
Wilson without all that nose? Winner. Swim!
-- John Felix
Pixar movies have a perfect track record for the simple
reason that they are so goddamn good. Cars is gonna keep that streak alive... and give Larry The
Cable Guy an income for the rest of his white trash
life. Chew on that for a minute. Swim!
-- Larry Phillips
Swim, if they use either the eponymous Gary Numan 1979
hit or anything sung by Ric Ocasek. Regardless, it'll
be on rotation at my fucking house as soon as it's on
DVD. Swim!
-- Comedian
I guess I like Pixar stuff, but The Incredibles was
a bore and I hate NASCAR, car racing in general and
anything about the inner workings of cars. Now the cars
have personalities. Might as well be a movie about marmalade
to me. But … Swim!
-- Marq
Pixar = Brilliant. Inevitable fanboy backlash, because
it's not as mature as The Incredibles.
Outcome - $800 million in its first second of release.
Swim!
-- Chris Knight
As much as I've appreciated Pixar's stuff up until
this point, this reminds me of the worst Sid & Marty
Krofft outing imaginable, or, at the very least, some
bland cartoon churned out in the forties which is now
bundled on some disc down at the local supermarket.
Sink!
-- lostwire
VERDICT: Swim! |
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The Fast
And The Furious: Tokyo Drift –
June 16
What are you supposed to say or think about the Fast
And The Furious series? How did it even manage to
become the hit it is? Sexy looking cars (read: stupidity on
the road) and sexy looking people (read: brainless fucks who
can’t act) do sexy stuff (read: meander through pointless,
plotless nonsense). But maybe we’re being too judgmental
here. So does the third installment in this rotten piece of
shit float on top of the bowl or sink to the bottom, clogging
up the plumbing?
Jesus Christ, they made another one of these? I'm still waiting for Torque 2.
Sink!
-- John Felix
Pure garbage. It will do zero box office. It will make
its money where it belonged; straight to video. Sink!
-- Larry Phillips
This film should do as well as the latest X-Men.
Americans love fast wrenched cars & if they're more
exciting than the acting this should be one helluva
hit. Though I certainly won't be heading down to the
theater to see it, I'll certainly pick it up when it
debuts on the PS3. Swim!
-- lostwire
Tokyo has lots of pretty city lights and awesomely
crowded streets, but I'll watch Lost in Translation instead, for a better representation of the culture.
Sink!
-- Marq
Why does this shit keep getting greenlit? Who's even
in this clunker? The Lawnmower Man 2 of Summer 2006. Sink!
-- Comedian
If you pay to see this movie, I hope the theater burns
down. With you in it. Sink!
-- Eric San Juan
VERDICT: Sink! |
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Superman
Returns – June
30
Take one of the most beloved superheroes of all time and try
to update one of the most beloved movies of the last 30 years
based on said superhero? A character played by an actor who
went on to have a tragically uplifting life that inspired
millions? Bryan Singer may have been insane to drop the wildly
successful X-Men franchise for this bold
return to Superman. Will it work or blow up in his face?
The most important superhero of
all time will make for the most important superhero
movie ever. Swim!
-- Shawn McLoughlin
I have yet to see a Superman movie, television show,
radio broadcast, comic book, teleplay, book-on-tape,
morse code transcript, or Broadway musical. I didn't
even wear the Superman underwear as a child. Please
do not beat me (too savagely). No opinion.
-- John Felix
Good or bad, this film will make money and lots of
it... for a long time to come. Swim!
-- Larry Phillips
Bryan Singer has made some decent X-Men films but have
you ever heard him talk? What an ass. It's spelled Brian
you gaylord! As much as I'd like to see a decent Superman
flick, nothing would please me more than to see this
clueless self-centered rich-bitch hunched over in a
bar somewhere mumbling about how hard Hollywood stuck
it up his ass. Sink!
-- lostwire
I'll be watching for Kate Bosworth and staying for...
Brando? I've always been a Marvel man and just can't
yet get excited for this. And Singer's movies always
look so dull. But Bosworth has me paying to see those
multicoloured eyes. Swim!
-- Marq
Boring director, boring first two movies, boring actor
plays villain. Outcome = $300 million in its first minute
of release. Swim!
-- Chris Knight
Swim, like an Australian on steroids. Gonna be a big
hit. Good enough to satisfy comic nerds and engage the
common movie-goer. Swim! Big!
-- Comedian
VERDICT: Swim! |
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