The Pitch: It's like part Star Wars, part Dirty Harry! It can't miss!

The Budget: Although no credible numbers could be found through my tireless fifteen minutes of digging around on the internet, the budget for Laserblast had to be negligible at best.  My theory is that the majority was spent on animating the aliens and spacecraft.  The remainder was spent on securing Roddy McDowall for a small cameo that could then be billed to draw in the unwitting (his name is mispelled in the credits).  The rest of the cast were paid in Cokes and Hostess Twinkies but were allowed to keep the bottles to turn in for recycling money.

The Result: Laserblast is probably more well known as the movie featured on the last Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode in it's Comedy Central run.  It's prime fodder for just such an exercise, but watching it without the help of Tom Servo and Crow, one can see that lying way down in the middle of this particular turdball, there is a corn kernal of succulent goodness left undigested. 

Tapping into both the awkward feeling of not being included and the nerdboy's love of all things Star Wars in 1977, Laserblast should have been the revenge film for every teenage outcast. Billy (who looks incredibly like Mark Hamill but is actually Kim Milford) is constantly hassled by the world.  He's picked on by the school bullies.  He's hassled by The Man in the form of the local cops.  Even his girlfriend's senile grandfather verbally kicks his ass.  Plus, his mom's a whore.  Seriously.  She's packing up to go to Acapulco for what can only be a swinger party when we first meet Billy. 

The guy can't win!  The only person who believes in him is his girlfriend Kathy played by Cheryl Smith.  She's the picture of 1970s natural beauty in this film.  Alas, it wouldn't be long before she would be slumming it as the pregnant cheerleader in Revenge of the Cheerleaders.

I digress.

As we've firmly established, Billy's a loser.  Then, while randomly driving into the desert, he stumbles on a laser gun.  Yes, a laser gun from outer space.  Don't ask how it got there.  That's covered in the beginning but raises more questions than it answers. 

Suddenly, Billy's got power and a whole truckload of potential targets to unleash that power against.  Just writing this line, I'm getting excited at the possibilities.  How can this not be a formula for success?

Once you've asked yourself that question, rent Laserblast and watch it fall apart.  Here's a quick guide to what you can expect.

1.  None of the actors turn in performances worthy of anything beyond community theater.  Even Roddy McDowall is phoning it in.  This film features Eddie Deezen in his very first role and possibly the only one where he plays a bully instead of a nerd.  Also cashing their checks and leaving the set without looking back are veteran character actors Gianni Russo, Ron Masak and Dennis Burkley.

2.  Although they're supposed to be in high school, none of the main actors look less than 27 years old.  Also, I'm almost positive Billy was cast simply because he looks like Mark Hamill.  The Star Wars fixations are not something I dreamed up either.  In one scene, Billy uses the laser gun to blow up a Star Wars advertisement on a billboard.  The filmmakers were overtly aiming to draw in the Star Wars crowd and missed completely.

3.  The acting aside, the editing is shoddy with continuity errors being some of the more fun things to look for.  Is the necklace on? Off? On again?

Want to play a game?  Take a shot of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time Billy's monster makeup only extends to his neck.  You'll likely not make it to the final 15 minutes before blacking out.

4.  The film itself looks so washed out and brown that it resembles a 1970s Super 8 home movie.  That's not me exaggerating.  It seriously looks like the same stock that captured my stepfather uttering "Holy shit!" as his bathing suit-clad scrotum touched 70-degree spring water while tubing down the Itchnitucknee River in 1976.  Guess which movie is funnier!

5.  Then there's the script.  It's filled with plot holes and characters doing stupid things.  Not just normal we're-in-a-horror-movie-and-have-to-do-stupid-things stupid things.  I'm talking REALLY stupid things.  The most glaring of which is Billy actually picking up the laser gun in the first place.  To put it in perspective, he discovers it when it randomly makes his Coke bottle explode (thus robbing him of a nickel of salary).

Laserblast is horrible.  It's got so much going against it that it's a wonder it found its way to DVD.  The only saving grace is the animation of the aliens.  They're done old school Harryhausen-style and are definitely worth noting even if they do look like sentient turtles sans shells.

To Watch or Not To Watch... That Is the Question
I hate to say it, but I'd recommend passing on all but the MST3K version (if you can find it).  There's not enough good here to recommend sitting through 90 minutes.  Realize when you read that sentence that I'm the guy who loved Frankenstein Vs. The Space Monster, Plan 9 From Outer Space and countless other low budget horror films. 

Yep.  It's that bad.