It’s confession time. This may not come easy – confessions never do – but it must be done. It would be dishonest to do anything but. After all, I sit here and write for a DVD website, offering my perspective on cinema to you, the reader. So in the interest of honesty, I confess: There are a whole slew of culturally important films I have never seen.

What I will do for you today, dear reader, is tell you why I have never seen them … and then offer you my review of these films I have never seen. A more valuable service I could not possibly provide. Consider it a peek into the ongoing world of an Aspiring Film Snob.

But wait, there’s more! In the weeks to follow, I will actually go ahead and do something truly bold and daring. I will watch these films. I will watch them and talk about my experiences with them, my impressions, and ultimately, provide you with a review. I do this because I care.

What landmark films that seemingly everybody on the planet has seen but me are out there? Many, with some of special noteworthiness. Let’s run through seven such films in reverse order of how big a void they leave in my film-watching resume:

At least, that’s what I assume. I haven’t seen frame one of this classic. Hell, I best know the famous quote from a goddamn Guns N’ Roses song, for God’s sake. I’ve never really been much interested in seeing any of it, either. But it seems that I’ve missed out on some key film references by skipping this one. And at the very least, I’ll know where Axl Rose lifted that clip from.

The Graduate
“Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.” Quotes don’t get much more landmark than that, nor do films. Few performances are as memorable as Dustin Hoffman’s Benjamin Braddock, the young man fresh out of college and ready to do some living. Anne Bancroft’s turn as Mrs. Robinson is simply legendary. Scenes from The Graduate are a pop culture reference point (how many times has the wedding scene been parodied?) and the name “Mrs. Robinson” is itself now layered with meaning. In short, The Graduate was huge.

Yeah, I haven’t seen this, either. Oh, I’ve caught a few scenes on TV – even the famous wedding scene, which damn near makes me an expert on this film, says I – but I’ve never really sat down and watched this. With Dustin Hoffman considered one of the great actors of the last 40 years and so much of this film recognizable in the pop culture landscape, I guess I owe it to myself to take in a viewing, if only so I don’t feel like such a schmuck for not “getting it”.

Gone With The Wind
Victor Fleming’s Gone With The Wind, the crowning achievement of legendary producer David O. Selznick, is one of the most watched films in American history, a sprawling epic of war, love, race and class. The biggest Civil War film ever made, and maybe the biggest film ever made, period. Clark Gable’s Rhett Butler uttered one of the best known lines in cinematic history, and the ups and downs of Scarlett O’Hara (Vivien Leigh) have been the stuff romantic epics are measured against since its release in 1939.

But this thing is four hours long! Who has time for four hours of weeping women and frilly dresses? Certainly Gone With The Wind is considered one of the great films, and I’d love to see it – I’m a sucker for epics – but finding four hours of uninterrupted time isn’t always easy when you have to, you know, live a life. Four hours in one day? That’s not recreation, that’s a part time job.

It’s A Wonderful Life
Jimmy Stewart is one of Hollywood’s most beloved actors, and It’s A Wonderful Life is one of Hollywood’s most beloved films. More than Mr. Smith Goes To Washington or Rear Window, it is the film that defines this beloved actor. The film is a holiday tradition, an experience some families take in each and every Christmas season. In many ways, it’s simply not the holiday season until It’s A Wonderful Life hits the airwaves.

Bits. Pieces. Scenes. Some from the start. Some from the end. Maybe if I put it all together, I could assemble a full viewing of this Christmas classic … but sadly, and to my great regret, I’ve never sat down to watch the whole thing from start to finish. What kind of heart does a man have who has not seen It’s A Wonderful Life? An empty, shallow heart indeed.

A Streetcar Named Desire
“STELLA! STELLLAAAAAAAA!!!!” Even better known than his work in On The Waterfront, or Apocalypse Now, or maybe even The Godfather, Marlon Brando’s role as Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire is his landmark work, one of the great performances ever put on screen, his definitive role in every way. None who witness Brando’s smoldering passion in Streetcar are likely to forget it. It simmers and it burns.

Well, that’s what someone told me once. I like Brando. Love his work. Am enthralled by his mad genius. But I’ve never seen his great turn in A Streetcar Named Desire. I don’t really have an excuse, either. Hell, I own the goddamn DVD. I just never got around to it.

Animal House
The mother of all party movies and the reference point for every college film to follow, Animal House, starring the irreplaceable John Belushi, is damn near as beloved as it gets. It practically created a genre all its own. Full of booze, boobs and crazy antics, it set the standard for Get Crazy And Party movies, creating the template so many later films followed and inspiring a host of lesser imitators.

And I don’t get a single Animal House reference when thrown at me. Not even one. The character names. The events. The jokes. The quotes. I don’t know any of it. If the truth be told, I don’t really care that I don’t know any of it, either. This film makes the list only because every damn person I know saw this and references it. Everybody. Everywhere. I’ve always found college party movies to be rather irritating (though I always appreciate gratuitous breasts), so I’ve never had an interest in seeing this, but it’s almost an obligation for American males to have seen Animal House. That means it’s time to become a real American male.

Scarface
Al Pacino was never better. Maybe no film of the last 30 years outside of Star Wars has so influenced pop culture. Scarface changed the face of not just its own medium of film, but other forms of entertainment as well, including music (through Scarface inspired rap that went on to inspire scores of imitators) and video games (like Grand Theft Auto and its four dozen clones). You simply can’t be a hip young male and not have seen Scarface.

Guess what? I’m not a hip young male. In fact, of those three words, I am only one of them. Yeah, I’ve seen parts of Scarface, maybe a solid 45 minutes of it, but only in bits and pieces. This is a huge void in my cinematic experiences. No doubt about it. It’s true and I know it. That I am willing to admit this for the world to see is no easy thing; it’s a downright embarrassment. I mean, it’s Scarface ferchristake! I’ll get around to it. One day. I guess. In the meantime, I will simply continue to suffer under the torrent of ridicule and scorn that inevitably follows such an admission.

It’s true. I suck.

About The Author: Eric San Juan is one of the worst (i.e. most unqualified) film snobs to ever grace a DVD website. Air your ridicule at the discussion thread linked below. Even better, offer up your own list of important movies you’ve never seen and let others mock you for your failure.