Bad Movie Night. There’s really no away around such an event, is there? Even if you are not the type that deliberately seeks out stupid cinematic turds like Highlander 2: The Quickening or Zombie Lake, you still, invariantly, wind up picking up the odd tepid turkey at the video store every now and then. Sometimes, the bad movie seeks you out: such as the time my friends and I flocked to the theater to see Spider-Man 3, figuring that it had to be better than the second one since the second one was so much better than the first! Boy, were we ever wrong! Other times, you are simply let the fuck down when your one-time favorite director decides that he no longer needs his meds and wastes millions of dollars on something like War Of The Worlds, figuring that casting an equally loony Scientologist that the public is already afraid of will draw them in like flies on shit.

At least they usually get the “shit” part of it right. Invariantly, of course.

So anyway…

Contestant #1: Puppy (2005)

What the back of the box says
Lovely Liz (Nadia Townsend) makes a living by twisting the truth but when her family grows tired of her lies, she finds herself out on the street without a penny. Deciding to chuck it all, Liz attempts suicide…only to be rescued by handsome tow truck driver Aiden (Bernard Curry).

Rather than take her to a hospital, Liz’s savior abducts her to his rural farmhouse, convinced she’s the wife who left him years earlier. Kept on a leash and guarded by attack dogs, Liz makes the choice to humor Aiden’s delusion, relying on her skills as a habitual liar to talk her way out of this hostage situation…but will she be double-crossed by her own broken heart?

In the tradition of Misery and Black Snake Moan comes this captivating dark comedy about the ties that bind. Like the cult classics of Roger Corman and Russ Meyer, Puppy was filmed during a breakneck 20-day schedule for only $250,000 by maverick Australian writer-director Kieran Galvin making his feature film debut.

What the back of the box should say
Puppy focuses on the lives of two entirely useless Australian people that could serve as insurmountable evidence in a “Why some people should be sterilized” argument. Homely Liz (the unbelievably pale and bland Nadia Townsend) finally realizes what’s missing in her life -- her death -- and promptly takes action to correct this erroneousness.

All of the sudden, she is saved by Aiden (one order of Bernard Curry, extra papadums, comin’ up, guv) an ugly, hairy, and creepy tow truck driver (read: a tow truck driver) who decides to hold her against her will at his palatial Ed Gein cabin in the woods. Eventually, they fall in love…and have a child together…reminding you the whole time as to just why abortions should be legal worldwide!

Audacious enough to compare both itself to movies like Misery and Black Snake Moan and its director to the likes of far more competent filmmakers such as Roger Corman and Russ Meyer, Puppy is a thoroughly uninteresting and low-budget production which will rival even your stepmother’s sleeping pills in putting you to sleep.

Bonus Content
MPI and Dokument Films, in collaboration with the already kaput Red Envelope Films label (Netflix’s brief yet futile attempt at marketing their own product -- you know, if Netflix can’t figure out what people want to watch…), released Puppy as a barebones release, so, happily, I didn’t have to sit through anything else.

Overall Rating: 1.0
If Bernard Curry is an example of a handsome Australian, I’m moving to Australia. Wait, suppose Nadia Townsend is the epitome of the Aussie female? I’m staying here, folks. Horny teenage boys will probably want to pick this up to see fast forward to the parts where the actors are nude (which is at least every other scene), but will then find themselves fast forwarding past the nudity and consuming mass amounts of rubbing alcohol to erase the freshly-laid images in their tender virgin minds…returning the disc afterward, claiming the video store gave them the wrong movie and that they really did intend to rent Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Contestant #2: Summer Scars (2007)

What the back of the box says
This confrontational coming-of-age thriller is a haunting look into the destruction of innocence and the depths of fear. When a gang of raucous teens play hooky in the woods, they cross paths with a mysterious drifter. Preying on their adolescent curiosity and naïveté, the sadistic vagabond easily wins them over only to inflict humiliating and torturous mind games with a rusty switchblade and a gun. Trembling and desperate, these kids realize that their only chance at survival is to embrace the darkness within and fight back with some wicked games of their own.

What the back of the box should say
A group of inbred-looking, anemic Welsh kids (read: Welsh kids) think they’re rough and tough and ready to rumble, so they steal a moped and dart out into the woods with a brewskies. There, they meet some crazy fuckhead (Kevin Howarth…yes, the guy from Razor Blade Smile -- oh, goodie!) that befriends them. Soon, however, the tramp starts to taunt, tease, and torment the trusting teens (say that five times fast), wielding a pellet gun around to show that he is not one to be taken lightly…causing the stupid kids to cry and pee their pants. Eventually, the child actors grow tired of the old guy’s overacting, and shoot his ass dead with a real gun.

Bonus Content
Rarely ones to disappoint (no matter how wild or inept the movie may be) TLA brings the Indie Welsh flick Summer Scars to DVD (via the Danger After Dark label) with an Audio Commentary by director Julian Richards and producer Sabina Sattar, a Making-Of Featurette with the cast and crew (the story is actually based on a true account from Richards’ past, which is pretty scary when you think about it), and several Trailers (for the Feature Film as well as other Danger After Dark releases).

Overall Rating: 2.0
A rather dreary (but short!) film that at least boasts some good acting (for a change).

Contestant #3: Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008)

What the back of the box says
When four friends embark on a road trip to Vegas looking for fun and a few cheap thrills, they have no idea they they’re about to fall into a blood-drenched charnel house of tension, torture and the darkest depths of pure primal fear! After their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, they must find a way back to civilization. But their plan soon arouses the malice of Rusty Nail -- a murderous, vengeful trucker with an insatiable appetite for gruesome mutilation and sadistic pain -- and he’ll stop at nothing to ensure they pay their toll…one body part at a time!

What the back of the box should say
Change your panties, kids…here comes another lackluster, cheapo direct-to-video sequel to a low-budget horror film that received lukewarm reviews at best! Only this time, we’re tacking on the word “Unrated” in big red letters to make you think that it actually played in theaters (and as such was subjected to the MPAA for approval) when, truth be told, this pile of shit wouldn’t even make it on the bottom end of a triple-bill at a ghetto grindhouse theater in Thailand! Four fiercely independent kids (two girls and two very gay-looking guys…one of whom thinks he’s Ville Valo) who think they know everything there is to know about everything soon find out that the world of acting isn’t as easy as it looks…good thing they slept with the producers first…’cuz they’re about to be terrorized and stuff!

Bonus Content
Fox obviously felt compelled to compensate those of you who might actually sit through this film, ans so they threw in two Featurettes (Joy Ride 2: The Making Of Dead Ahead and Blood And Guts: The “Make-Up” Of Horror), a Storyboard-To-Scene Comparison, and a few Trailers for Mirrors, “Prison Break” Season 3 (jeez, you’d think that after three seasons they would either get it right or the warden would throw their asses in solitary!), Stargate Continuum, The Happening, The X-Files: I Want To Believe (That The Movie Will Really Be Good ‘Though I Know It Won’t). Some additional Trailers play at the beginning of the disc and include Babylon A.D. (Vin Diesel returns…and the heads begin to shake), the Behind Enemy Lines trilogy (whoa, whoa, wait, back up: trilogy?), and Hit And Run (yet another excursion into direct-to-video torture porn).

Overall Rating: 1.0
Anybody remember when gory splatter movies weren’t mainstream? My, how times have changed!

Contestant #4: Games Girls Play (1974)

What the back of the box says
Sultry ‘70s B-movie bombshell Christina Hart (The Stewardesses, Helter Skelter) stars as Bunny O’Hara, the underage man-eating daughter of a wealthy American businessman. After sleeping her way through the brass ranks of the U.S. Military, Bunny is packed off to Swinging London and a remote finishing school for wayward rich girls.

Bored in the British boondocks, Bunny leads her nubile classmates in a contest to seduce a group of foreign dignitaries visiting London for disarmament talks…the winner being the first girl to get her V.I.P. into B-E-D!

Escapist, sexist and as politically incorrect as they go, Games Girls Play (aka The Bunny Caper) is a titillating product of its heedless time, directed with an unblinking eye by Jack Arnold (The Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Incredible Shrinking Man) and costarring Ed Bishop (2001: A Space Odyssey).

What the back of the box should say
At what point does one of Hollywood’s greatest science fiction filmmakers turn into a has-been? Just ask Jack Arnold, the prolific imaginative mind behind such genre classics as It Came From Outer Space, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Incredible Shrinking Man, and Tarantula. From the early to the late 50s, Jack Arnold was the Sci/Fi King at Universal Studios. The whole world was at his feet. And then, when television started to invade homes in the 60s, Jack found himself directing television shows from the highly-acclaimed “Peter Gunn” to the highly-idiotic “Gilligan’s Island”…adding only the occasional feature-length theatrical film to his résumé.

One such occasional feature-length theatrical film was Games Girls Play, also known as The Bunny Caper and Sex Play. In it, sex symbol Christina Hart flaunts her goodies at us like all teenage temptresses should. Nothing really happens in the movie, but it has been known to cause a lot of grinning from oversexed boys and men alike.

Bonus Content
Never an organization to cater to the masses, Dark Sky Films proudly said, “Yep, we did it!” when they issued Games Girls Play onto DVD. They even threw in an Naughty Games: An Interview With Christina Hart, a 9-minute featurette wherein the aging actress looks back on her more rambunctious days, and a couple of 15sec TV Spots (some of which feature nudity…which makes me wonder which network they were aired on!) and Theatrical Trailer.

Overall Rating: 2.5
“Plot? (grabs breasts) Who needs plot when you have these?”

And The Winner Is…
Without a doubt, it’s Dark Sky’s release of Games Girls Play that comes out ahead (or rather, giving head) during this outing, owing to its generous amounts of nekkidness and total lack of socially redeeming values: there is no superficial “moral of the story”, no overwhelming scenes of violence/torture/rape, and no overconfidence from the cast and crew that would lead you to believe they actually thought they were making a masterpiece. Jack Arnold may not have continued to make some of cinema’s greatest sci/fi flicks, but at least he knew how to have fun after he had passed his pinnacle. Thanks, Jack.