As anyone who has ever conversed with me on the forum or anyone who has ever read one of my reviews can attest, I am a bitter asshole. I might be bittersweet at times, but bitter nevertheless. And always an asshole.

Christmas means little, if anything, to my way of life. However, it should be just as obvious that I will watch just about anything placed in front of me. Misty Mundae or Marlon Brando? Doesn’t matter, I’ll check it out. So in my years of watching films not because I wanted to, but because they were “the only thing on” or because I was tired of tapping on my NES to get it to recognize the cartridges, I’ve happened on a few, well, different Christmas films. So here they are, in no real order, some whacked out Christmas movies. Consider it my gift to you this holiday season.

Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)
Back in the day a mini-Noto was super stoked to see this film. I can’t remember why exactly. I guess because I still thought Santa existed. Whatever the case, I remember the ride home from the theatre more vividly than the film itself. I actually think this was the first film I was ever disappointed with. Surprisingly, 20 years later, I dig it; for probably the same reasons I didn’t like it to begin with.

I appreciate the fact that Santa Claus fucking BITES IT before the first 10 minutes are up. Honest readers, Santa dies, along with Mrs. Claus and his two reindeer. Of course, he was resurrected by the elves to become the REAL Santa. This is awesome since it kind of makes the elves out to be evil cultish figures. This is even more unsurprising considering that the main elf is played by none other than Dudley Moore. Everyone knows Moore as the loveable alcoholic Arthur and his loveable alcoholic elf is not much different. Not that he drinks, but he acts like he gets lifted off the same magic food that he feeds the reindeer.

It also paints an awesomely disturbed portrait of mid-80s New York, with donation accepting Santas who have 40 oz. stashed away and homeless kids dream of feasting with the well-dressed patrons of the local McDonald’s. I want to bring special attention to how Santa attempts to complete the “Super Duper Looper” maneuver while playing Chicken with the World Trade Center, all while carrying a young unsecured passenger. Not only are Santa’s methods of travel disconcerting, but it also proves how some films date themselves in ways never intended.

That isn’t all though, I didn’t even mention the second half, which shows Dudley Moore leaving Santa's Workshop to work for a megalomaniacal corporate asshole CEO (John Lithgow) who is trying to muscle Santa out of business by selling lollipops that can make you fly (or blow up). Kids aren’t likely to get much from this, but demented adults in need for something different will get just that.

Scrooged (1988)
Is there anyone amongst us that hasn’t seen Scrooged? With repeated television broadcasts throughout the year, especially during the holiday season, I can’t see how anyone could have missed it. Anyway, if somehow you missed this here is the gist.

Frank Cross (played to perfection by Bill Murray) is the modern day Scrooge in this ’88 update of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Frank is the president of a television network that is no candidate for Boss-of-the-Year. He is so detached from the spirit of the season that he thinks great holiday programming needs to star Mary Lou Retton, have the Solid Gold dancers and must be promoted with violence. But after firing Bobcat Goldthwait, the man goes too damn far and is visited by three ghosts (well four if you count his dead boss). The Ghost of Christmas Past is Buster Poindexter, a long dead taxi driver who is kind enough to take Frank back in time and show him all the big fuck-ups in his life. The Ghost of Christmas Present is the always awesome Carol Kane, and her equally annoying shrill voice. She shows Frank how so many people are suffering because of his actions – and hits him with a toaster. Finally, the Ghost of Christmas Future is a disembodied creature that is equal parts Jim Henson’s Workshop and Savini.

If you have seen any of the many variations of A Christmas Carol, then you already know the plot. But even with that knowledge this film is still an awesome experience, which surprisingly ages rather well considering that it is almost 20 years old and puts such a demented spin on classic literature. Perhaps that is what helps with its longevity. Scrooged is Dickens’ tale for a more cynical world – and it’s still as cynical as ever.

Gremlins (1984)
Some people may choose to argue that Gremlins is not really a Christmas movie since it was released in June. Well those people can bite me. Gremlins is as Christmas as it gets. First off, it is set during Christmas and little Gizmo is Billy’s Christmas gift. Further, the gremlins do many Christmas things, like wear Santa hats and sing their own warped little Christmas carols. These however, are only the obvious reasons.

For obsessed genre buffs, this movie is the ultimate Christmas gift. For one, it is directed by horror icon and special effects guru Joe Dante, who is responsible for making nothing but awesome films through out the 1980s. It also features Phoebe Cates, who is quite possibly one of the few films stars that every generation of men has fallen in love with – although, she has put on a few pounds since Fast Times. It even has Corey Feldman, fresh off handing Jason Voorhees’ ass to him in Friday the 13th – The Final Chapter. But the most awesome appearance is by Dick Miller, best known as “that guy” in a billion or so movies playing yet another talkative alcoholic. B-Movie gold with an A-Movie budget; a horror film, a children’s film, a comedy and a Christmas film all rolled into one – and it works.

But back to Christmas, and what makes this a corrupt Christmas film. Despite the insanity of multiplying creatures taking over an entire city, and Billy’s mother’s murderous rampage, the following revelation of her hatred for the holidays comes directly from the cute Cates’ lips:

“The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was nine years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home so Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began to search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire and that’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top and me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird and instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney on Christmas Eve, his arms loaded with presents. He was going to surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck; he died instantly. That’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.”

To my generation, with that bold hardcore monologue, the illusion which is Christmas was shattered. To this day I’m convinced this is why it was released in June.

Bad Santa (2003)
You may have noticed that all the films mentioned before this are from the 1980s. Well there are two reasons for this. First, there has been a lack of corruptive films throughout the far too P.C. 1990s. Pussified movies are coming out of Hollywood now, and there have been little if any Christmas movies that stray from nice or cute. Fewer still are even tolerable. Then along came Bad Santa, and with the immortal words “Fuck me, Santa!” the Christmas movie was reborn.

For those who haven’t had the privilege of viewing this modern-day masterpiece, Bad Santa stars Billy Bob Thornton as Willie who, along with his midget friend (Tony Cox), is a part-time department store Santa/Elf team and full-time thieves. One day amongst a long line of children in Phoenix, a selectively mute fat kid befriends him; as does Sue the bartender, who happens to have a fetish for Santa Claus. After taking the child home Willie steals money from the kid's father’s house “to fix his sleigh.” But soon after that the cops raid his hotel room and he is forced to move into the fat kid’s house, causing all sorts of hi-jinx and self-inflicted grief to ensue.

Another solid reason to check this film out: it features the final on-screen appearance of John Ritter. As the department store manager, he had awesome chemistry with Bernie Mac, the head of security. Both are sadly underused, but the banter between them is nearly as good as Billy Bob Thornton and the Tony.

Sure the plot is paper thin; there is really nothing to it. It is above all things a retribution story. But this is so cleverly hidden amongst the hilarity of the one-liners and the blindingly vulgar script that it is easy enough to ignore. In fact, you may not even realize there was a message at all. This is, of course, the beauty of a true Christmas movie. It has heart, but it still entertains. Of all the films mentioned, this is the least acceptable for kids, but in all honesty I can’t think of a more entertaining Christmas film than Bad Santa. It’s rich, vulgar, sexist, racist, but most of all, it’s funny. Take that, Jingle All The Way.

So there you have it, the most righteous “wrong” Christmas movies I can think of. Have any others that I might have forgot? Rap about ‘em in the forum – I need to have something to write about next year.