Ah, Christmas! The time of the year where thoughts turn to pain, sorrow, loneliness and the contemplation of suicide. I can’t think of a single Christmas in my life that wasn’t completely and utterly disappointing. In fact, the phrase “NEVER AGAIN!” is uttered at such an alarming rate throughout December that you could probably create a drinking game around its use.

In fact, I’m going to take a guess and assume that this article is going to be the most positive Christmas experience I’ve ever had and possibly will ever have. Yes, it’s time to compile another Internet movie list, to compile a list of obvious choices, obscure references, and gag entries that are inserted as a joke, but are really there to fill in dead space. Here’s a collection of my favorite Santas in television and movie history! Enjoy?

Animated Yuletide Atrocities!
When one thinks of animated Christmas films and television specials, the mind tends to go two ways; on one side we have How the Grinch Stole Christmas, which scared the pants off of me as a child, and on the other there’s the traditional Rankin & Bass Christmas specials (which have been covered extensively on this site). Outside of these examples, memorable portrayals of the man are few and far between.

Of course there’s the more contemporary Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas), a character that starts off relatively spooky, but gives way to wide-eye-socket wonder as he slowly learns the magic of Christmas. Sure, it eventually leads him to kidnapping Santa Claus, taking over Christmas and giving children murderous dolls (I’d hate to see what naughty children get), but by the end of the day he learns his lesson. Sure he might seem a bit overexposed due to Disney’s recent embracing of the film and the apparent need to squeeze every drop of blood out of a franchise, but don’t let that distract you from the goodness that is a skeleton in a Santa Claus outfit riding around in a coffin sled and distributing severed heads to children. I know it puts me in a holiday mood.

Other favorites include the insanity of a robot arachnid spider popping up in attempt to try to take over the Earth only to be placated with giant cookies and milk in Invader Zim and the doom-spreading robot death Santa from Futurama, which managed to take a one-note joke and play it to the nines without ever wearing thin. After writing that, I noticed that I apparently have a thing for killer Santa robots. I have no problem with this.

That’s A Lot Of Puke! Or: In Celebration Of The Anti-Santa
Every so often there will be a film or show that morphs the Santa Claus character towards something meaner, uglier, and possibly more violent. While some might see changing a well-beloved character into a vomitous pile of profanity and bodily fluid as an act of subversion, ultimately it comes off as a comedy scapegoat. However, sometimes an actor manages to go at the cliché with such audacity that the vision of Santa pissing himself just might not be as much of a groaner as it should be.

Of course, I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa, who embodies the character with such gusto that it’s easy to disregard the issue of, “Oh, it’s Santa, and he’s dropping F-bombs. That sure is funny!” And while Billy Bob might (kind of) learn his lesson by the end of the movie, that lesson is pretty limited to the idea that stealing from malls will likely get you shot, and that sucks. This isn’t Billy Bob carving the roast beast for all the little Whos in Whoville. By the last scene we know his outlook probably hasn’t changed at all. I mean, outside of trying not to get shot. Which is a lesson I think everyone should learn at some point in his or her lifetime.

However, one shouldn’t put all their money on Billy Bob as the penultimate anti-Santa. If you haven’t, you definitely should check out proto-Billy-Bob Dan Ackroyd in Trading Places. At his lowest point, Ackroyd manages to get loaded up on liquor, steal a salmon by hiding it in his shirt, attempt to murder Eddie Murphy and attempt suicide twice. The only thing that manages to top Ackroy’d’s 10-minute stretch of insanity is Murphy’s reading of the line “Beef jerky time!”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Scary Santas!
While these could easily be slapped into the anti-Santa category, there’s just something about these Santas that leave a much longer, more painful scar on the mind. Oh, yes – THESE GUYS ARE FRIGHTENING. Even if you’re over the age of 12 these Santas have a good chance of making your skin crawl. I wouldn’t be surprised if these characters led a few people to therapy. Needless to say, this is my favorite category out of the bunch.

Mr. Helpmann In Terry Gilliam’s Brazil - Maybe it’s that close-up fisheye style that Gilliam insists on using a good 90 percent of the time, but Goddamn if Mr. Helpmann’s final scene in Brazil isn’t spooky as hell. When you consider Mr. Helpmann is ultimately the cause of the main character’s lack of brain function, that’s pretty creepy – but throw onto that the fact that the man’s a cripple and you’ve got double creepy. There’s nothing creepier than an invalid in a Santa outfit. Trust me on that.

That’s Guy That’s Not Clint Howard In That Episode Of Tales From The Crypt - Seriously, that’s not Clint Howard? I managed to catch this episode when it originally ran, and I admit while this Santa is particularly horrible, the episode ultimately made me understand the concept of camp with its final image of the mother on the stairs, screaming her head off for a good 30 seconds straight. The tension was lifted off of me, and I was free to laugh at just how goofy Tales From The Crypt really was. That is, until I caught the rerun.

Papa Lazarou In The League Of Gentlemen Christmas Special - If I bothered to care about ranking or organization, Papa Lazrou would not only be #1 in my list of favorite Santas, but The League of Gentlemen Christmas Special would probably be my #1 favorite holiday special. This loving tribute to the old Amicus horror anthologies (the original Tales from the Crypt and The Vault of Horror movies) features Papa Lazarou, a demonic creature with a black face and a love for kidnapping women for later use in his travelling circus, donning the old Santa getup to go on a kidnapping spree. He manages to kidnap the local Priestess, who was a bitter old Scrooge anyway. If the idea of a Satanic Al Jolson in a Santa Suit doesn’t have you running for the corner, consider that Papa Lazarou’s cohorts are a few midgets in elf costumes who carry burlap sacks to trap their victims in. Santa Lazarou is pretty funny, but ultimately pants-shittingly scary.

People Who Have Never Been Santa, But Should Be
While I tried to restrict my choices for favorites Santas strictly to film and television, I quickly broke that rule because I quickly got bored of the restrictions. So I decided to brainstorm; the role of Santa is usually played by a limited few, due to the general lack of holiday films. Now, if I were to cast someone in the role of Santa for a movie I was making, who would I pick? For some reason these names instantly popped into my mind.

Pat Morita as: Santa Pat!
I am unaware of Pat Morita ever playing Santa Claus in film, television, radio or theater, but damn it, doesn’t he just fit the part of an adorable, tiny Japanese Santa Claus? Just imagine him in a little red hat with a floofy ball at the end, a sack full of goodies strapped to his back. He doesn’t even go through the chimney, he just knocks politely at your door, bows, removes his shoes before entering and gently places each present under your Christmas tree in an ornate manner. There’s only one word to describe Santa Morita, and that’s dignified. (Writer’s note: I wrote this a few days before Pat Morita passed away. Coincidence?)

Head full of fire and a mouth full of oatmeal: Ole Saint Brimley!
This might be a bit too high-concept, but take the happy-go-lucky, wooly-mustachioed appearance of his oatmeal-shilling days, his red body stocking and blue overalls in John Woo’s Hard Target, combine that with his maniacal, axe-wielding, suicidal personality in John Carpenter’s The Thing, and you might just have the greatest Santa of all time! He’d knock on your door with a hearty “thud,” you’d invite him in – isn’t that film and television’s Wilford Brimley? What’s he doing at our house on this Christmas Eve? Your thoughts will be cut off right there, as ole Brim lodges a pickaxe directly into your forehead in hopes of eliminating the horrible alien inside of you. Then while you’re face down in a mess of your own blood and recently ejected stomach contents, he sits down at the dinner table and gorges himself on your turkey and your fixin’s. And there’s only one thing to say about that:

God bless us, every one.