I don’t know if it’s just me, but growing up, my strained attempts at surviving through the Holiday Season were always eerily similar to being Taylor in Planet Of The Apes.

Several other traumatic Holiday events in my adult life have played out pretty much the same way (especially when you meet the family members of your significant other for the first time)… which has resulted in my not being overly fond of the Holiday Season in general (not that I ever was to start with). To this day, when I approach a conglomerate, atomic bomb-worshipping Church of Mendez such as my local Wal-Mart and see that gigantic, half-inflated Santa Claus atop of the building, holding a bell high in the air with one hand and clutching a list to his bosom with the other, the whole damn thing leaning to one side, I fall to my knees and slam my fist into a pool of oily water, screaming “God! Damn you all to Hell!” (I do a killer Heston, by the way)… much to the disdain of the outdoor Nativity Play performers (and audience members) that always seem to be nearby.

Well then… now that I have gone completely off-subject, allow me to turn my little ANSA Icarus spaceship around and present to you Luigi Bastardo’s “Disney Holiday Gift Guide for 2008” (cue triumphant fanfare)!

Since every life (with the exception of individuals such as Benjamin Button, or people living in the Backwards Universe from Red Dwarf) begins with childhood, let’s start with the titles aimed at those precious, snotty-nosed, germ-ridden baby-things, and move our way up to the grown-up stuff, shall we? So then, in no really particular order…

Little Einsteins: The Christmas Wish (DVD)
Whereas most Disney shows seem to only brood lifelong teenage drama queens who wind up nude on the Internet, the preschool age oriented “Little Einsteins” sets itself apart from the usual kiddie fare by actually acknowledging the world of art and classic composers. Four seasonal episodes from Disney’s acclaimed animated series are presented on this 2008 DVD release: “Show And Tell”, “The Christmas Wish”, “The Wind-Up Toy Prince”, and “The Northern Night Light”. The only Special Feature housed on the disc is Magic Mission Mode: Holidays Around The World, wherein kids get to watch the eps (again), only this time with some informative pop-up facts.

DVD Rating: *** 1/2

Ideal For: Preschoolers to kindergarteners.

Tinker Bell (Blu-ray)
Well, I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later. Depending on your point of view, Tinker Bell is either the sum total of Disney’s many years of Direct-To-Video sequels, prequels, and spin-offs… or the epitome of milking the J.M. Barrie cow for everything it’s worth. Tinker Bell (is it one word or two?) is a spectacular-looking CGI-animated tale that doesn’t really touch upon that Peter Pan/Neverland world, but instead takes us into the more “private” world of Pixie Hollow, where all types of fairies buzz about all day and do all sorts of… fairy stuff. Mae Whitman (Ann from “Arrested Development”) provides the voice of the world’s most famous sprite (yes, Tinker Bell speaks in this one), with additional voices supplied by Disney contract players Raven-Symoné, Lucy Liu, and America Ferrera; professional voiceover artists Jane Horrocks, Jeff Bennett (whatever happened to Johnny Bravo, anyway?), and Rob Paulsen; and seasoned veterans Anjelica Huston, Kathy Najimy, and Richard Portnow (to name a few). The Blu-ray sports a truly immaculate 1.78:1 anamorphic transfer with a great 5.1 soundtrack and features several Extras, including some Featurettes, Interactive features, a Music Video, some Deleted Scenes, and Disney BD Live. Also available on DVD.

Blu-ray Rating: ***

Ideal For: Kindergarteners to early teens.

Hannah Montana: The Complete First Season (DVD)
Going back to that whole “brooding lifelong teenage drama queens who wind up nude on the Internet” thing I mentioned earlier, “Hannah Montana” will someday no doubt do for Miley Cyrus what The Parent Trap (1998) did for Lindsay Lohan and The Cheetah Girls did for that other chick (et al, ad nauseam). Although I personally have no use for it, the younger crowd will no doubt love this 4-Disc Collector’s Set, which presents all 26 Episodes of the trendsetting series’ entire First Season in their original Full Frame presentations with Stereo sound (plus an optional Spanish track) and a handful of Special Features: a Pop-Up Trivia Track (on select episodes) and two Featurettes totaling about 30 minutes.

DVD Rating: ** 1/2

Ideal For: Grade schoolers to mid-teens that feel the urge to wear thong underwear.

Walt Disney Treasures: The Chronological Donald: Vol. 4, 1951-1961 (DVD)
Now THIS is more like it, Disney! Despite the profound and utter feeling of contempt I have for that candy-coated Disney frontman, Mickey Mouse, there is one character and (one character alone) whose animated adventures (or rather, misadventures) have always appealed to me (not to mention I can sympathize with the poor bastard): Donald Duck. This final 2-Disc volume of Donald’s starring-role solo shorts takes us on a ten-year span from Dude Duck in 1951 all the way up to 1961’s The Litterbug, the latter of which is one of the several CinemaScope shorts made (presented here, fortunately, in their original widescreen ratio with anamorphic enhancement!). Some of the less “politically correct” shorts have been moved off of the Chronological list, but are included here under the Extras section. Additional Special Features include some Featurettes and some Introductions by Film Historian/Critic Leonard Maltin. Highly recommended.

DVD Rating: **** 1/2

Ideal For: The whole famn damily.

Walt Disney Treasures: The Mickey Mouse Club Presents “Annette”, 1957-1958 Season (DVD)
By the time the Third Season of “The Mickey Mouse Club” rolled around on those three-hundred pound tube television monstrosities back in the late 50s, Mouseketeer Annette Funicello (which, according to a Thai-based Internet translation site, means “a whole lotta fun”) had grown to be one of the most popular little girls on the air… so it was only fitting that the future Beach Party starlet was given her own spin-off serial. All 20 chapters of “Annette” have been Digitally Mastered and are included on this 2-Disc set along with an assortment of Funicello-related Extras (including an Introduction by that Leonard Maltin guy… again).

DVD Rating: *** 1/2

Ideal For: The family… but mostly only the older crowd will truly appreciate it.

Walt Disney Treasures: Dr. Syn: The Scarecrow Of Romney Marsh (DVD)
The wait is over. After several decades of listening to their frustrated fans fret about the lack of this TV cult fave on DVD, Disney has at last done the right thing and released all three chapters of “The Scarecrow Of Romney Marsh” (as featured on Disney’s TV series way back in the day) as well as the U.K. Theatrical Release, Dr. Syn, Alias The Scarecrow, as part of the Walt Disney Treasures line (complete with a shiny tin case -- like all the other titles in the Walt Disney Treasures Collection). Plus, Disney has even turned up the original 1.66:1 widescreen print and released it here with anamorphic enhancement! And, if that weren’t enough, the House of Mouse has included several Bonus Features with the Two-Disc set, including Intros by Leonard Maltin (this guy, again?); the original Walt Disney TV Intros (in 16:9!?); and two Featurettes which delve into the history of Dr. Syn and Uncle Walt himself.

DVD Rating: **** 1/2

Ideal For: Again, it’s for the family, but the middle-aged crowd will probably enjoy it more than anyone else.

Sleeping Beauty: 50^th Anniversary Platinum Edition (DVD & Blu-ray)
One of Disney’s most famous and respected animated features receives an upgrade worthy of royalty! The Sleeping Beauty: 50^th Anniversary Platinum Edition set gives us a long-overdue opportunity to see the classic motion picture presented in its original 2.55:1 CinemaScope format (or “Super Technirama 70”, whichever term you prefer to use), beautifully restored to the point of near-obscenity! Accompanying each 2-Disc release (DVD and BD) is a slew of dynamic Special Features that will both dazzle and impress any viewer to no end! The Blu-ray release also includes an incredible 7.1 DTS-HD soundtrack (which rocks!) plus a third disc containing the newly-remastered film on Standard Def DVD with select Bonus Features.

DVD Rating: *****

Blu-ray Rating: *****

Ideal For: Everyone, everyone, and everyone.

Wall-E: Special Edition (DVD & Blu-ray)
Wall-E definitely deserves the praise it has received. Not only does it make a profound statement about the over-pollution of the world due to mega-conglomerate corporations that are perfectly content with destroying everything with their cheap products just for the sake of making a few bucks, but the Pixar feature also manages to condemn the very organizations that either sponsored, endorsed, or supported the film! Bravo! Wall-E comes to both DVD and Blu-ray in all-out hands down fab-a-roo 3-Disc Special Editions, each of which is loaded with some wonderful Bonus Features in addition to some of the most superb audio/video transfers out there! Also available as a Single-Disc DVD and a Two-Disc Blu-ray non-special edition.

DVD Rating: *****

Blu-ray Rating: *****

Ideal For: Tree huggers, liberals, and the many corporate/political bigwigs who just don’t “get it”.

The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian - Collector’s Edition (DVD & Blu-ray)
Personally, I blame the whole Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter franchises for the onslaught of “new and definitive” adaptations of other famous (and sometimes infamous) literary fantasies such as Bridge To Terabithia, The Golden Compass, and, of course, The Chronicles Of Narnia series. Yes, we do have the technology. Yes, we can, in fact, make them better, faster, stronger. However, once the final products is released to the audiences of the world, it comes down to one question: do we really need to? Personally, I say “nay”, and I present The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian to you as evidence to support my claim. But, even though Prince Caspian flopped, it still manages to receive raves from certain individuals out there… and, to them, I heartily recommend (among other things) the visually/aurally-impressive, jam-packed 3-Disc Collector’s Edition release available on either DVD or Blu-ray. Hey, who knows -- maybe the movie will start making some money now (ha, ha, ha)! Also available in a Single-Disc DVD (B00005JPH2) and a Two-Disc Blu-ray release.

DVD Rating: ****

Blu-ray Rating: ****

Ideal For: Literary fiends, insomniacs, and people with high thresholds for pain.

The Nightmare Before Christmas: Collector’s Edition (DVD & Blu-ray)
Look, the fact that this movie is still selling merchandise and finding its way onto Holiday Gift Guides (like this one!) after fifteen years has to say something, right? Tim Burton truly created cinema’s greatest (and probably only) Gothic Holiday favorite with this one: a surreal fantasy in which Jack Skellington, king of Halloweentown, stumbles upon Christmas Town… and asks himself “What’s this?” Oingo Boingo frontman (and frequent Burton collaborator) Danny Elfman provides his unique touch (and voice) to the film’s soundtrack. The Collector’s Edition features some new Special Features (the Blu-ray more so), but HDTV owners may be a little disappointed over the inclusion of a non-anamorphic transfer of the main feature (which was 1.66:1 to begin with). Also available in an ultra-spiffy (and ultra-pricey) Limited Edition Ultimate Collector’s DVD Set.

DVD Rating: ****

Blu-ray Rating: **** 1/2

Ideal For: Goth kids, Elfman enthusiasts, and Burton buffs.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Three Movie Hi-Def Collection (Blu-ray)
Again, the Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter movies may have had something to do with Jerry Bruckheimer’s enormously famous trilogy -- so famous in fact, that they’re working on a fourth chapter to the so-called “trilogy” (somewhere, Douglas Adams is laughing at us… which reminds me, Disney: when are we going to see another Hitchhiker’s Guide film?). Pirates Of The Caribbean: Three Movie Hi-Def Collection is basically the three previously-released Blu-ray titles packaged neatly into a case… but that in itself shouldn’t prevent you from picking up this enjoyable series (and for me to call anything produced by Jerry Bruckheimer “enjoyable” says a lot right there).

Blu-ray Rating: ****

Ideal For: Swashbuckler fanatics and teen girls who just can’t get enough of Johnny Depp.

Lost - The Complete Fourth Season: The Expanded Experience (DVD & Blu-ray)
OK kids… first, allow me to say one very important thing: I hate J.J. Abrams: Alias started out OK and turned into complete and utter crap by the end; Cloverfield relied very little on originality and proved once again that style over substance is the sure way to win over the brainless moviegoers of the world; and his abominable-looking retread of the Star Trek franchise is going to go down in science fiction history as the worst idea since a remake of Rollerball. With Lost, however, Abrams has found a decidedly “safe” point with fans and critics alike, and now, Lost - The Complete Fourth Season comes to DVD and Blu-ray via some truly outstanding releases that will have even non-fans creaming their jeans over the supplemental material alone (this Blu-ray set is to die for, kids: all of the Special Features are in High Def!).

DVD Rating: *****

Blu-ray Rating: *****

Ideal For: TV geeks, J.J. Abrams groupies, and people who are entirely fed up with reruns of “Gilligan’s Island”.

The Sixth Sense (Blu-ray)
Oh, that M. Night Shyamalaninnymaligni guy… he started out with potential… and then, shortly after the barely-tolerable Unbreakable, it all went downhill from there. Well, fortunately, you can now relive Shyamachiavellian’s one and only decent flick on Blu-ray. Former party animal Bruce Willis joins future party animal Haley Joel Osment in this supernatural tale of ghosts and dead people which became an International hit (draining M. Night Shyamalan of any talent and/or common sense he may have had in the process) and raked in millions and millions of dollars around the globe. Special Features on BD edition include the same assortment of Featurettes, Deleted Scenes and Spots that we saw on earlier SD-DVD releases, but hey… it is the only good film the director made and, as such, makes this impressive-looking Blu-ray all the more impressive.

Blu-ray Rating: *** 1/2

Ideal For: People that, miraculously enough, haven’t seen it.

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (Blu-ray)
Quentin Tarantino’s filmography is a bit of a mixed bag -- everything he makes either winds up overrated or underrated. With Kill Bill: Vol. 1 though, the motor-mouth, hyperactive filmmaker succeeded in making the definitive grindhouse homage flick for an entire generation… unfortunately, much like Grindhouse, his 2007 collaboration with fellow auteur Robert Rodriguez, most of said generation just didn’t get most of the references. That doesn’t stop Kill Bill: Vol. 1 from being satisfying however, and Tarantino effectively melds such exploitation genres as kung-fu films, samurai set pieces, spaghetti westerns, and giallos into an explosive cocktail that goes down like silk. The Blu-ray release sports improved Audio and Video transfers, but the Special Features are the same as the older DVD.

Blu-ray Rating: **** 1/2

Ideal For: Genre geeks like myself (and my kids).

Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (Blu-ray)
While it didn’t have the same amount of impact on me as the first film did, Kill Bill: Vol. 2 still came out on top either way. The Bride (Uma Thurman) still has a score to settle with Bill (David Carradine)… and no one is going to get in her bloodstained path of vengeance. Although it puzzles me a bit as to why nobody opted to wait and release the seemingly-mythical Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair on BD as opposed to both films individually is beyond me (greediness?) and the Special Features included on this volume are identical to the Standard DVD release (they’re in Standard Def, too… as are the Extras on Vol. 1), Kill Bill: Vol. 2 is still a nice addition to any exploitation fan’s film library.

Blu-ray Rating: ****

Ideal For: Wannabe genre geeks (and their kids).

And there you have it: Lord God Emperor Luigi Bastardo, Esq.’s Official Disney Holiday Gift Guide for 2008. Think of it as your personal Retail Therapy Handbook when you’re ready to make it up to your family (or yourself).

Now go out and buy something, will ya?