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 A Year In Disneyland:
An Introduction
by John Felix
May 2006
I
love Disneyland. Though I haven’t been a fan of
Disney’s films for a long time. I can pinpoint
the exact moment when my relationship with Disney’s
animated features went sour: 1988. Even at the age of
seven, having to sit through Oliver and Company was a painful bore. But an “edgy” singing
Chihuahua didn’t diminish my love for the park.
As a southern California native that spent his weekends
on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, I remain positively brainwashed
over the happiest place on Earth, even at the age of
25. I might be older (hell, my hair is already sprouting
gray), I might be more cynical, but there is no smarm.
There is no cheap irony. The only thing left is a genuine
grin on my face.
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 A Year In Disneyland: Part 4
by John Felix
July 2006
Here’s
a self-indulgent piece that I hope doesn’t come
off too much like immature gloating: I was invited to
Disneyland’s mysterious Club 33 this month.
For those who aren’t up on their Disneyland knowledge
(count yourself lucky, you’re not a horrible nerd),
Club 33 is a secret club located in New Orleans Square,
right next to The Blue Bayou restaurant. Originally
planned to be Walt’s little hang-out (he died
shortly before its opening) for entertaining corporate
investors and all those cool people that you will never
know, Club 33 is now a safe haven for insane people
who have a lot of money and don’t mind waiting
up to five years only to pony up $10,000 for a single
membership.
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 A Year In Disneyland: Part 3
by John Felix
July 2006
It’s that time again: Summer is rolling around, and with the temperature changing, so will Disneyland. The crowds are bigger, the lines are longer and it’s time for me to start stalking beautiful people for hours on end. Normally, all it takes for me to fall in love is to have someone pay even a modicum of attention to me, but not today; the sun is shining and I’m ready to creep it up like Vincent Price, only not as sexy.
“Dear God,” my mind
screamed out like a child looking at a commercial for
the latest video game, “Look at her!”
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 A Year In Disneyland: Part 2
by John Felix
June 2006
The
newly Christened Claudia and I were chatting while seated
in the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, waiting for the
ride to take off. We’ve known each other for almost
five years, and she’s one of the few women to
have left permanent scars on my surprisingly tender
body. She refers to me as the boyfriend on the side
that doesn’t get any sex, which is fine by me
since I haven’t gotten any since Taft was in office.
As the ride takes off, everyone in the room starts to
scream in a mixture of glee and fright. We hit the top
of the tower, the building’s windows swing open
for the flashing cameras – and by that time, Claudia
had extended her tongue and started to lick my elbow.
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 A Year In Disneyland: Part 1
by John Felix
May 2006
In
a fit of childish anti-socialism, I decided to make
my way towards Disneyland alone, preferring the company
of a CD player instead of human interaction. Before
making the lengthy two-hour trip (90 minutes if I’m
in a time machine) I decided to fill up on an unnamed
energy drink that leaves me with a healthy, neon glow
to my urine - comparable to a green highlighter and
just as toxic.
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