Okay, if you’ve been following this series of articles, you’ve seen my list of Halloween favorites and you know that I love dark themes and dark music.  Therefore it should come as no surprise that I’m not the biggest fan of Christmas music.

What may surprise you though is that it’s not the subject matter or the chipper tunes that turn me off.  It’s the fact that we hear the same songs over and over and over again.  Walk into a Starbucks and pick up their 2007 Christmas CD and you’ll see it’s the same old songs recorded by different artists and I’m sorry, but no matter what Bruce Springsteen does to the arrangement, it’s still going to sound like Frosty the fucking Snowman.

What new songs there are tend to be slower, gravitate toward the schmaltzy side of things and are rarely ever catchy.  That’s why “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” was such a hit.  You could actually sing along to it.

As for the ones that tried to be hip in the 50s and 60s, I’ve got little stomach for them.  “Run Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry is the exception (as is anything that Chuck Berry touches), but songs like “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” make me want to staple my ears shut.

So, the point of this rambling mess of an article is that when I go to my company Christmas party, I’m guaranteed to have to listen to Hall and Oates sing, “Jingle Bell Rock.”  All I ask is just once; I’d like to hear these five songs played in the mix also.  Maybe your company plays one or two of these but I highly doubt it.  They’re the five Christmas songs that I love to play this time of year and two of them don’t even use the “f” word in their titles.

1.  Fear – “Fuck Christmas”:  Okay, so I’m starting this one off with a song that will never get played anywhere but a home stereo or iPod, but despite what you might think, this song wasn’t a bid for fame via shock value.  The fact is, many of Fear’s songs from the early 1980s were about life in the city, poverty, US politics and what it took to get by from day to day if you were poor in Reagan’s America.  “Fuck Christmas” is no different and is actually sung from the voice of a homeless man looking at the world around him.  At well under two minutes, it’s short and to the point.  Here are the lyrics in their entirety:

Don't despair, 
just because it's Christmas. 
Children, they're 
all so gay at Christmas.  
All the children on the street 
hope they get something good to eat.  
But for me it's not so great.

 Fuck Christmas! (repeat this line 10 times)

Okay, so it’s not happy and filled with bells ringing and happy elves.  It’s still a reminder that the holidays aren’t about what you get; they’re about giving to others.

2.  Run D.M.C. – “Christmas in Hollis”:  I personally believe this to be the best Christmas song of the last 30 years.  Why?  Simple, it’s an original Christmas fable about Santa Claus that actually has some references to real Christmas in 21st century America.   From Run’s story of Santa leaving cold, hard cash instead of toys to D.M.C.’s descriptions of Mom’s cooking (“chicken and collard greens/Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese”) this song has all the hallmarks of a modern Christmas classic and yet it’s rarely ever played outside of house parties.  Maybe that is what will help it maintain its high “cool factor” in years to come. 

Even so, I’d love to hear it played just so I could watch the awkward “white people dancing” that would inevitably ensue. 

3.  Eazy-E – “Merry Muthafuckin’ X-mas”:  The only office party this one will get played at is at Ruthless Records.  It’s one of the most insanely offensive songs to ever have the word “X-mas” in the title.  Talk about shock value.  Eazy-E and company tell tales of wanton sex, smoking up and shooting shit.  They even spill the beans that Santa isn’t real.  What a bunch of assholes.  Of course it still makes for a fun listen if you don’t mind a little misogyny in your holiday tunes.   

A sample lyric for your enjoyment: 

On the third day of Christmas my homeboys gave to me 
three pounds of indo 
two birds of cocaine 
and a A muthafuckin' K bitch. 

That’s one of the lesser offensive stanzas.  The main reason this is on my list is because I’d love to see the face of my company’s human resources director when this song starts playing and she hears Eazy sing about “what fun it is to bust a nut”. 

4.  Trey Parker – “Merry Fucking Christmas”: Of all the songs on this list, this one is by far my favorite.  Frank Zappa once asked whether humor belongs in music.  I would say that an overabundance of humorless music is the death knell of any society.  “Merry Fucking Christmas” manages to be so over the top and offensive that it cannot possibly be taken seriously by anyone, ever.  Additionally, it’s a fantastically written song, reminiscent of Parker’s Oscar nominated work in South Park: The Movie.  Sung by Mr. Garrison (a character from South Park whose naïve view of what does and doesn’t offend is a source of major laughter in my household), the song addresses every major religion of the world and then bashes them for not celebrating Christmas. 

Sample lyric: 

Hey there, mister Hinduist! 
Merry Fuckin' Christmas! 
Drink eggnog and eat some beef,  
And pass it to the missus.. 
In case you haven't noticed,  
It's Jesus' birthday. 
So get off your heathen Hindu ass, 
And fuckin' celebrate. 

If you think that’s remotely funny, pick up the entire album Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics.  It’s one of the funniest albums ever recorded. 

5.  Ramones – “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)”: And so I’ll end it with another one that should be on every Christmas playlist but never seems to be.  The Ramones recorded an innocuous Christmas classic about sticking with your girl and enjoying the holiday and while many of us may put it on the iPod, it still hasn’t made the jump to the office party yet.  The lyrics as a whole make little sense.  There are references to missing reindeer, kids with sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads and then the refrain of: 

I love you and you love me 
And that's the way it's got to be 
I loved you from the start 
'Cause Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's hearts 

Still, does it have to make sense if its heart is in the right place?  No.  I would argue it does not.   

So that’s my list.  Hope you enjoy them and if I left anything out, let me know on the Holla! Thread.  Whether you celebrate a holiday this month or not, I hope you have a good December and great 2008.   

I’ll see you next year.