There is an obvious, very serious Caveat Emptor when dealing with the films of Jes(u)s Franco. Even amongst his fan base, you can find a lot of people who will follow up the phrase, “Yeah, I like Jess Franco movies” with the obvious backpedaling words, “but then again…” With over 60 aliases, one could assume that so many different names could be attributed to Franco not wanting to be assaulted by some angry cineasts who, if managed to track down and kill Franco, would at the very least be in the moral right. 

Shock-O-Rama Cinema, apparently drunk on the power of hurting anyone within a 100-mile radius of a DVD player and fully functional genitalia, presents two films from Jess Franco’s late-period work, which could be described as his Eww Period. Shot on a minimal budget, minimal equipment and minimal sanity, up first we have Lust for Frankenstein, followed by Tender Flesh.  

Lust For Frankenstein proposes a convoluted “what if?” (better yet, “what the hell?”) story wherein Dr. Frankenstein, now long dead, haunts his adult daughter Moira in hopes that she will continue his work, despite Moira’s own shattered life. And just what exactly is Dr. Frankenstein’s lifelong work? Why yes! A sex-starved female monster that, despite being the walking undead made out of the discarded body parts of vagrants, talks in a monotone robot voice for some reason or another. 

The monster, simply known as Goddess, demands fresh blood in exchange for ecstasy, leading Moira into performing a blood transfusion that involves hooking up electrodes to a man’s penis and shocking him until he starts bleeding from the head. Goddess rewards Moira with badly choreographed, tedious lesbian sex. What follows is an incomprehensible ride featuring a bit of murder and a lot of actresses flinging around their drooping sex organs. 

But wait, there’s more. Oh Christ, there’s another disc.  

Presented on a double-sided DVD, Tender Flesh is… Well... I don’t fucking know. The dialogue was apparently recorded underwater using the tin-can-and-string method of recording. Add to this a cast of heavy accents trying to warble out the English language under a rock soundtrack and you’ve got nothing but confusion – even the haphazard dubbing is recorded badly. Looking towards the liner notes didn’t help decipher the film, so I looked towards The Internet Movie Database for an answer, any answer to what the hell was going on in this film. 

“A stripper and her sleazy boyfriend are invited by a wealthy woman and her lover to join them on her private island for a weekend of sex games in exchange for a large fee. When the couple gets there, however, they are captured, then let loose on the island to be hunted down and killed.” - Summary written by: [Email address withheld, you poor bastard] 

With the general idea uncovered, it was now easier to figure out the events of the film. Kind of. 

Paula, a young “gorgeous” American stripper and her boyfriend (I named him Señor Neckbeard) are invited to a secluded island by a crewcutted, elderly, amorphous, jowly lesbian named The Baroness – actually that’s probably not her actual name, but who’s paying attention? Along for the trip are a few extra people who can be described, at best, as “fresh meat.” Everything seems to be going well in a 120 Days Of Sodom kind of way; all of the guests brunch on some cream of urine soup while blowjobs are passed out like Halloween candy. But in the middle of a hot session between Paula and Señor Neckbeard, Paula is severely beaten and then nursed back to health in nearly 20 minutes of dialogue-free, painful fetishism. It’s like the last 30 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey, only it doesn’t have a space baby and it’s more confusing than 2001. Also it’s not as good. 

Now able to leave her room, Paula happens upon a television, broadcasting The Baroness with a badly recorded challenge meant for the others in the group: Kill Paula and escape the island with $500,000. The hunt is on! …And features a laugh track for some reason. 

Comparing the two, Tender Flesh manages to eek out on top as the better of the set; while just as technically inept and horrid, it still manages to feature enough of a plot to obliterate the unfocused Lust for Frankenstein, which pads out its running time with badly executed hallucinogenic moments featuring video effects ripped right out of MTV, circa 1986. But then again, having to pick between these two movies is like having to pick which arm you want amputated by a Haitian veterinarian. In the end, everybody loses. 
 

Presentation
Admittedly, the original materials were probably in a state of decay (and rightfully so), so it’s easy to be a little more forgiving on the presentation. But even when you consider the circumstances, these films look absolutely terrible. Shot on video (what I assume is video; while the movies are unmistakably video-like, there still seems to be film print damage. Was this shot on video, transferred to film and then back to video?), the image is muddy and full of noise, though clear enough to be able to spot the implant scars under Amber Newman’s breasts. The audio (that was probably recorded right from the camcorder instead of using an actual boom mic) is near unbearable. 

Does it cost a lot of money to add subtitles to films? The way a lot of independent companies refuse to include them even in the most dire of situations suggests that subtitling costs upwards of infinity dollars. Goddamn incalculable numbers! 

Extras
Both films get special editions, though Lust for Frankenstein’s main extra is the uncut European version of the film which adds seven minutes to the movie, while the behind the scenes featurette is just as shapeless as the film itself, gathering on-set footage mainly dealing with the sex scenes. Taken from a clip from a 1994 Chiller Theatre expo, the absolute best feature on this disc by default is the Michelle Bauer interview where Bauer spends five minutes explaining her love for B-Movies and her enjoyment of the fan base. Well spoken and good-natured, this was the only thing in the set that didn’t make me want to claw my eyes out. Finally there’s a set of trailers for other Shock-O-Rama releases. 

Presented on an awkward double-sided disc, Tender Flesh’s Side-B kicks off with the fifty-one-minute Making Tender Flesh – a documentary that’s just as self-indulgent as the previous documentary on Lust for Frankenstein, only this time the audio recording is even worse than the film’s. Unless you’re a fan of muffled complaints, the recording renders the entire feature maddeningly unwatchable. Fans of truly rough behind-the-scenes footage might find something interesting to grasp onto, but it was a chore for me. 

The rest of Tender Flesh’s extras are flimsy: the six-minute boobfest, Amber’s Session Video, shows off actress Amber Newman’s box cover photo shoot, the photo gallery features fifteen stills, and there are the expected Seduction Cinema trailers. 

Overall
Good news, Jess Franco fans: while the original elements of the film might mean a hazy audio and video presentation, this set features a decent amount of extras that may actually keep your attention! Anyone not versed in the art of Franco will find these films to be polarizing dreck. But don’t worry, there’s good news for you too: you don’t have to watch them!

		Lust For Frankenstein/Tender Flesh
--		Feature - Not provided by author.
--		Video - Not provided by author.
--		Audio - Not provided by author.
--		Extras - Not provided by author.

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