The runtime of this first volume (although nothing identifies it as such) of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is roughly eight hours long from start to finish. So then why did it take me two weeks to watch? Because, as in all things, time flies when you’re having fun, and… well… I wasn’t.

Sonic is arguably one of the most identifiable video game mascots ever. He's right up there with Mario and Pac-Man. His video game debut was in Sonic the Hedgehog, the 1991 game that came out on both the Sega Genesis, and the fast-becoming-a-memory, Sega Master System. Unlike most kids in my neighborhood, I let my beloved Nintendo collect dust and purchased a Genesis. After all, “Genesis did what Nintendon’t!” At least for a while, before the Super Nintendo was released. But that doesn’t matter. For half a decade, Sonic’s 16-bit 2D adventures rocked my Sega. I had every one of the series games and I loved them all. But damn that original game for not having the sequels “spin dash” move.

At the same time, I was getting into my early teens. I stopped watching cartoons at the time for multiple reasons. Mainly, most of them were crap, Power Rangers were a total rip-off of Voltron, none of the cartoons were called Transformers or ThunderCats and I started thinking with my dick and watching more movies. The only cartoon I was watching at the time was Fox’s superior X-Men series. So I was at that odd-transitional period in my life where I was aware that a Sonic animated series was being made – but I didn’t give a shit. The last few years though, I’ve been revisiting the video game animated series of my youth. Captain N, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show (with the awesome Zelda cartoon series) and The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 are all in my DVD collection – though I would never admit this outside of DIMP. I figured that since I love these programs; why not give Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog a try? I love the games, why not the cartoons?

Fuck me running.

The Sonic cartoon has a number of things going wrong which I could tell straight away before the first episode even began. First, the title credits run on far too long and look pretty cheaply animated. During this intro, the background music changes from the familiar Sonic video game theme of the time to an oddly inappropriate feeling version of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.” Which, for those who don’t know is a very awesome piece that’s just as awesomely overused – and it’s a completely odd decision for a slapstick children’s show, especially when repeated ad infinitum throughout the series.

Okay, fine. That’s just the opening credits. There are 22 episodes of this series to watch and plenty of time left for improvement, right? Well, there is certainly plenty of time left. A trip to the DMV would have been a more enjoyable experience though. In the very first episode, after the credits, Sonic opens his mouth and starts speaking dialog. You know what his voice sounds like?

Urkel.

You know why? Because, it is Urkel. Jaleel-Fucking-White is the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog. My blue-lightning pal is being voiced the bastard “Did I do that?!” kid from the Perfect Strangers spin-off. In all honesty readers, I just about threw the discs in the trash at that point. EIGHT HOURS of Urkel speak? I asked for this kind of torture ladies and gentlemen. My music collection includes the Spice Girls and yeah, I own D.E.B.S. on DVD, and I’m embarrassed of the fact that Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is sitting on my computer desk next to my freshly emptied Smirnoff Twisted V: Watermelon bottle. I’m dead inside. But yeah… the stories.

There are twenty-two craptastic episodes in this set. Much like in the old games, Sonic’s nemesis, the evil Dr. Robotnik (Long John Baldry – the Blues singer) comes up with some dastardly deed in order to capture Sonic, or kill Sonic. In nearly every episode, he sends two of his henchmen Grounder (Gary Chalk, Transformers: Beast Wars) and Scratch (Phil Hayes) a stupid tank and a robotic chicken, respectively. The two characters are deceived by just about anything that Sonic and his flying fox friend Tails (Christopher Evan Welch) do. These tricks are nothing that you haven’t seen if you ever watched a few Looney Tunes episodes. For example, in one episode Sonic dresses as a doctor, convincing Scratch and Grounder that there is a case of robotic chicken pox going around. This type of ridiculous situation is, like everything else in this series, repetitive. The only way this would becute would be if I was watching this as a toddler, or if I didn’t already see it played out in better cartoons. Interestingly enough, every episode ends with a Sonic PSA. Sonic telling me not to let other people touch me in my “bathroom area” was the only highlight of watching this set.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is horrible in every way. It’s a copycat program that’s poorly written, cheaply animated, with mostly awful voice acting. And what’s with all the chili dog jokes? I didn’t get those at all. Apparently, there is another cartoon made at the same time, simply called Sonic the Hedgehog which was geared for an older audience. I would still be interested in catching an episode or two, just to see if they give the blue mascot the justice he deserves.

The DVD Presentation
Presented in its original 1.33:1 television broadcast ratio, Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog looks decent on DVD. I don’t think much restoration went into it, so there are a few marks here and there on the image, but for the most part the colors are bold and the transfer is crisp. The 2.0 Stereo soundtrack is also clear enough to hear every unfunny remark the characters make, which is a good thing since Shout! Factory hates deaf people and didn’t include any subtitles for them. That said if you are the type to adamantly demand a better presentation than this and furthermore expect a studio to meet your lofty expectations, then you are probably a prick of exponential proportions that doesn’t get out of the house very much. Really dude, its 2007, stop playing Halo 2, put down your Mountain Dew and get some fucking sun.

And the Extras Are?
A Conversation with artist Milton Knight – (8:08)
Albeit brief, I will admit that this interview is interesting. Milton talks about how he envisioned Sonic and how he had to look at scripts and decide what could be done within the show’s budget. Disturbingly, he also talks about Dr. Robotnik as the ultimate depiction of self-love and how he expresses himself sexually. As you can imagine, it all comes off a bit odd, but in Milton’s defense, he hardly has enough time to go into much detail.

How-to-Draw: Sonic the Hedgehog – (2:02)
Hardly instructive, this is nothing more than a short that has Milton Knight at the artists table doing a rushed pencil sketch of Sonic. The end result has Sonic packing a bit too much weight around the hips though.

These unspectacular extras aren’t going to sway anyone to purchasing the DVD that might be on the fence about it. In fact, I can’t even see fans giving a rat’s ass. I wish there was a featurette with a picture of the writer in it. That way, if I ever met him in like a restaurant, I could just come out and clock him with a right hook.

The Bottom Line
I generally try to err on the side of forgiveness (I’m kind of like Jesus, somewhat) when it comes to DVD reviews of programs that really have no right to be on DVD. So, for folks who genuinely loved the light-hearted Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, you’ll probably still love it today and you have probably already bought this set or have plans to do so soon. However, anyone else can pretty much stay the hell away. This incarnation of Sonic is a crap show aimed for the youngest of the young and has very little intelligence or humor going for it and the animation ain’t that great either.

Don’t buy it. Don’t rent it. Don’t watch it.