 After Citizen Kane, Orson Welles gave us The
Magnificent Ambersons. After Jaws, Steven Spielberg gave us Close Encounters of the Third
Kind. After Money Talks, Brett Ratner
gave us Rush Hour. Continuing in the tradition
of quality begetting quality, we get Alone in the
Dark, Uwe Boll’s follow up to the cinematic
orgasm known as House
of the Dead. Of course, by orgasm I really mean
colossal blunder of millennial proportions. As explained by
the monumentally long crawl at movie’s start, some ancient
civilization accidentally opened up a portal to a world of
dark; and when I say dark I don’t just mean the light
went out in the refrigerator dark, I mean dark dark. Anyway,
it turns out this portal lets some CG demons into our world,
so obviously that’s really not that great of a thing
to have lying open; but before they could shut the thing,
those pesky demons killed off the entire civilization. Bad
show, that. Who knew? Many years later, a PI with an eye for
the paranormal (Christian Slater) is searching for some strangely
simple to find artifacts that could close the portal in case
it is ever re-opened. This all ties in to some mysterious
mystery buried within his past. He enlists the help of his
ex-girlfriend, scientist Tara Reid, and action hero agent
fella Stephen Dorff to help him out.
 I
gotta give it to Mr. Boll, he’s consistent. For every
misstep he fumbled upon in House
of the Dead, he went on and took the same path
with this follow-up, which also happens to be based on a video
game. The sheer ineptness that Boll brings to the screen is,
again, borderline brilliant. I’m not kidding. Both House
of the Dead and Alone in the Dark should be shown in film schools across the globe, for there
really is something that can be learned from these movies.
The poor scripts, the bad acting, the terrible action sequences:
these films can help train the unsophisticated eye to recognize
banality. You got to feel sorry for Christian Slater. This
guy is finally starting to grow up into his own persona, no
longer ripping off Nicholson, and he gets thrown into stuff
like this. Wearing a dirty leather coat and black wife beater,
he ends up looking like some dork who feels the need to dress
up for a midnight showing of Highlander II: The Quickening.
It also goes without saying, too, that once you are cast opposite
Tara Reid, no less (Sweet CHRISTMAS can that girl not act)
any possibility of onscreen chemistry can be forgotten. The
dude might as well try to get his freak on with Dorff. Not
one thing works in this movie, and that’s all the more
reason why you should see it... NOW.
How's It Look,
Smart Guy?
Nice. Yet again, we have here a case of pearls for swine.
This being a movie that takes place in, guess… THE DARK,
I was expecting some pretty awful moments of fuzziness, but
everything was pretty solid, with blacks remaining black and
so on.
How's It Sound, Ya Bum?
It’s a Dolby Digital 5.1 surround going on here, and
again the mix really ain’t too bad. We’ve got
loud music, loud sounds AND dialogue to deal with and you
can always hear exactly what you need to hear. These people
are wasting their skills.
You Think I just
Wanted The Movie, Pal?
Up first, and perhaps most gloriously,
is a COMMENTARY TRACK by the Bollmeister himself. Get this…
he thinks he’s making art. He’s AWESOME!!!
Next, we have two making-of FEATURETTES, which are just kinda
fluffy but I doubt you would feel the need to watch them anyway.
If you want to giggle a little more when the movie is over,
just watch it again with the commentary.
Some MUSIC VIDEOS that demonstrate how integral loud, shitty
music is to the craft of film.
A TRIVIA TRACK to see if you were really paying attention
while watching or if you were just lounging on your futon
with your Thursday night hookah (you know who you are…).
Some TRAILERS for other movies that are just marginally better
than this one.
Finally, we get an ANIMATIC that, frankly, I skipped. Sorry.
I had to take a dump.
Bring Us On Home, Brother
Everyone compares Uwe Boll to Ed Wood,
and the comparison seems pretty accurate. One of the things
about Eddie’s work is, no matter how AWFUL one of his
flicks could be, you need to watch the whole thing and be
oddly proud that you experienced it. The same can be said
for Boll. I can’t WAIT for his next movie! Now, before
I wrap things up neatly, I thought that I would share with
you a review that I came across on amazon.com for this amazing
piece of cinema. I think I read it three times before it started
to resonate within. It says it all:
Alone in the Dark ~ Uwe Boll
 ALONE IN THE DARK, August 1, 2005
By Ruben Garriga Orozco
"The movie is fantastic but is not excly for de videogame".
Why do I waste so many words?
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