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Close your mouth and hold your nose, kids: this one really stinks! Now,
I’m not the type of guy that would ask for his money back at a movie theater,
but something tells me that if I had attended a showing of Amazons Vs.
Supermen back in the day, I would have been taking hostages until the
management finally consented.
Al Bradley (Alfonso Brescia), the man single-handedly responsible for
several dozen cinematic atrocities, follows up his equally unwatchable Battle
Of The Amazons with this, originally released in the U.S. under
the title Super Stooges Vs. The Wonder Women.
OK, story goes something like this: Aru (Aldo Canti a.k.a. Nick Jordan,
who was in a couple of the Italian-made 3 Supermen films) is
the young servant of Dharma, the immortal, centuries-old protector of
a village full of idiots. Aru’s dreams of becoming immortal
are sort-of crushed when he learns that the whole Dharma legend is nothing
but baloney - with the Dharma mask and cape (which look like they’re
left over from a Superargo film) being passed down from master
to pupil over the years (á la The Phantom).
 When the local Amazon ladies kill Dharma, he asks Aru to take his place
and avenge him. Knowing full well that he will not be able to carry
out the task along, Dharma asks Greg--er, Aru--to find two other
gents: Mug, a very large man with brute strength (former Harlem Globetrotter/lounge
singer Marc Hannibal) and Chang (Hong Kong kung-fu regular Hua Yueh -
the best actor in the whole movie).
To refer to this movie as painful would be an understatement…the
music ridicules your intelligence…the English-language dubbing
is just plain awful (one actor has a New York accent)…the special
effects (while impressive for an Al Bradley film) suck…and so
on and so forth. Yet, like many of Al Bradley’s films, it
has a weird effect on movie-masochists and may prove to be far more entertaining
provided the viewer is stoned beyond belief or - at best - three sheets
to the wind. Not even seeing Euro actresses Magda Konopka and Malisa
Longo leading their fellow Amazons into battle wearing bikinis and helmets
help any. The beautiful Lynne Moody also has a few scenes as Mug’s
love interest.
 I suppose the biggest question here is: how did this cheapo Italian
flick get a Hong Kong action star? Turns out Shaw Brothers actually
co-financed the film. I wouldn‘t be a bit surprise if they
sued Al Bradley shortly thereafter.
Sorry fellas: no boobies (but there is a nice scene with Malisa Longo
in a wet t-shirt).
Presentation:
Well, at least the movie (presented here under one of its many, many aliases, Amazons
And Supermen) is in its original widescreen aspect ratio.
…
No, wait…it isn’t the original 2.35:1 ratio.
…
 Hold on, I may be wrong, there…just a sec…wow, what do
you know, it is the original widescreen 2.35:1 aspect ratio! To
be honest, it’s a bit hard to tell! I decided to fool around
with the X-Y Scaling of my multi-regional DVD player (a feature few players
have) and sure enough, it looks correct - Rarescope simply squished-up
the 2.35:1 ratio to something resembling 2.00:1 or so when they made
the disc. The transfer is non-anamorphic and the print is barely
watchable. The loud, tinny, muddled 2.0 Mono Stereo will probably
annoy you after about three minutes.
Extras:
The only extra is a Promo for upcoming Rarescope titles (I hope
these boys get their shit together ‘cuz they do have potential).
The Bottom Line:
The village leader puts it best: “The more he talks, the less
I understand.”
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