The first Anaconda benefited from Jennifer Lopez boobies and booty peeking through her assortment of thin clothes. Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid only benefited from the fact that anyone who watched it was treated to a pleasant case of amnesia and didn’t even remember seeing it. So what does Anaconda 3: ‘Less You Got Buns, Hun have to offer? The presence of David Fucking Hasselhoff, that’s what! Yes, the only man that will ever hold the one true title of “Knight Rider” in my book (as well as any child of the 80s) takes the wheel in this made-for-Cable TV wonder… chewing on both cigars and scenery the whole way through!

Our ridiculous storyline has billionaire pharmaceutical industrialist guy John Rhys-Davies (looking like Sean Connery’s bastard child with David Suchet… complete with an ascot) searching for a cure to whatever illness it is that he has. In order to do so, he employs some idiotic local Mickey Mouse security outfit to ensure that his slithering genetically-altered 100ft CGI WMDs created by Crystal Allen are tracked down and eliminated when they (surprise!) escape from the lab and head for the forests and villages of Romania (where it was filmed)! He even sends out a group of commandos and some kiss-ass yes man (whose identity I don’t recall, so he shall be known henceforth as “Sparky”) to assist.

The simple act of hunting down two huge snakes, however, proves way too difficult for nine well-fit people with tracking devices and an entire arsenal of assorted weaponry, and soon, the highly-intelligent, arm-severing, noggin-chompin’ snakes (that have the ability to impale people with their tails!) are heading for a local town… with the intent of giving birth to a shitload of mutated giant baby snakes! Ya-hoo!

Sure, it’s bad… why wouldn’t it be? But it’s a fun ride, nonetheless, with acting credits going out to co-star Patrick Regis and, of course, The Hoff, who once again proves that he can turn shit into Shinola just by keeping his tongue in his cheek the whole time (and sucking it in) while spouting memorable lines like “Well, if there’s blood… there’s more blood!” and “They’re about as reliable as a bottle of Jack at an AA meeting!”

SEE an entire truckful of Trent Reznor clones called in to battle the rampaging serpents -- only to die from their own stupidity!

MARVEL at how Sparky changes out of his suit-and-tie corporation lab clothes into camouflage hunting gear in less than ten minutes!

SHUDDER with glee as Crystal Allen takes time out from the snakes’ great escape scene to mourn for a character we’ve never been introduced to!

SHRILL in delight when she has flashbacks to long-suppressed memories that happened only moments ago!

… and, best of all…

BASK when it’s all over, knowing you just spent 91 inebriated minutes of pure joy… and fully aware that this movie was shot back-to-back with Anaconda 4: Trail Of Blood (and they leave this one wide open for it, too).

Presentation
Sony brings the Stage 6-produced third chapter in the franchise to life on DVD with a really clean looking 1.85:1 transfer and the movie looks surprisingly good considering its low budget (you will especially love the oh-so-bad driving scenes -- Is that rear-projection or green-screen? It’s so bad, I can’t tell!) and the only really noticeable flaws in the “film” itself (I suspect this was shot on video) occur during some old stock footage.

I was also delighted that someone at Stage 6 remembered that there are a total of 5.1 speakers in your average Surround Sound setup, and that they didn’t hesitate to include a variety of background noises in the English DD track. An optional French Dolby 2.0 Surround audio track is also included, as are Subtitles in both languages (a few bits of dialogue, like the amusingly lengthy sequence where a snake ruins the days and lives of a farmer and his goat, are in Romanian, and therefore, have their own Subtitle track that is automatically selected with whatever language you choose to watch the movie in).

Extras
I’m a bit bummed here. I was hoping to have David Hasselhoff host the Audio Commentary to end all Audio Commentaries. I would have even settled for a behind-the-scenes look at this movie being made or at least an Interview with John Rhys-Davies so he could explain the ascot. Alas, Sony only gives us a handful of Trailers here, including sneak peeks at the fourth, second and first installments in the Anaconda series; Zombie Strippers (a movie that has taken forever to find its way to video -- I’ve seen the Trailer sooooo many times, I don’t even want to see the movie now! And I love zombie movies!); Balls Out: Gary The Tennis Coach (what the fuck is this stupid, nausea-inducing attempt at a comedy, anyway?); Tortured; The Lazarus Project; Linewatch; Moscow Zero (on the Hudson); Resident Evil: Degeneration (another Trailer that has been put on every single Sony disc); Boogeyman 3 (What? NO!); Vacancy 2: The First Cut (is the Deepest!); The Grudge 3 (Why, producer Sam Raimi, WHY? What did we do to you?); The Devil’s Chair; Termination Point; Deep Winter (the story of Dario Argento’s skiing trip); Felon; The Art Of War II: Betrayal; The Fall; Buried Alive; and Fearnet.com (boy, they’re just not going to let that one rest, are they?).

Woah, did you see that back there? Three direct-to-video sequels that nobody asked for (all of which are coming out in 2009)! Looks like Sony is really intent on keeping their Movie Masochist clientele happy, eh?

The Bottom Line
A cheesy low-budget made-for-Cable TV sequel with gigantic killer snakes aplenty, a truly moronic story, poor production values, bad special effects, and The Hoff? YES!