In this corner wearing slime, ooze, and general yuckiness,
hailing from the twisted mind of some loopy German and weighing
in at what I am sure to be quite a bit… The Smiling
Scourge from Outer Space: THE ALIEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN!!!!!
And
in this corner, wearing what appears to be fishnet stockings
and a toaster on his head. He has a penchant for warm places, Rasta
music and ripping out your spine… THE PRE-DA-TOOOOORRR!!!
 A
team of hand-picked specialists who aren’t even interesting
enough to be in a John Grisham novel get shipped to Antarctica
because a super-duper rich guy (Lance Henriksen)
discovered an ancient pyramid, that might very well be the key
to all civilization, buried faaaaaaar below the ice. It’s
a damned good thing these characters get little to no development
for wouldn’t you know it; they soon find themselves elbows
to assholes in Aliens and Predators. Apparently the Predators
are participating in a rite of passage-type hunt and they no
longer have any problems with the cold even though it was established
in two other films that they only hunt in areas of extreme heat.
The Aliens have been put on cold storage so the Preds have something
to hunt and their egg gestation periods have been dramatically
shortened to a few minutes even though it has been established
that it takes much longer. The specialists get picked off one
by one, and it’s up to a headstrong expedition leader/tour
guide (Sanna Lathan) to get her people out
alive.
I wish I were kidding.
Yessiree, folks, this certainly had all the ear markings
of the Fight Of The Century. A no-holds-barred steel cage
match of dork-ian proportions. So, obviously, the studio would
give the green light to a director (Paul W. S. Anderson)
who gets little to no respect and is pretty much known throughout
the industry as a hack. What? Was Brett Ratner busy? To say
that Alien Vs Predator was a missed
opportunity is like saying Hunter S. Thompson did some drugs.
The entire… ahem… AVP concept was already taken advantage of years before in the
realm of comic books, novels and video games so there certainly
was a wealth of stories to properly rip off, I mean, be inspired
by. So how did this go so utterly wrong? Just because it was
a “________ Vs. ________” movie means that it
had to contain the same amount of imagination as King
Kong Vs Godzilla? Actually, KKVG was a much better movie, wasn’t it? But you know what
I mean. When you get a movie that goes all slo-mo freeze frame
on a facehugger before it attacks, I think it’s painfully
obvious the point has been missed.
 Forget
the plot holes and forget the effects. The only way for a
pick-em-off movie like this to work is to establish the characters,
of which this movie is in complete disregard. If you don’t
connect with the characters then there is no reason to feel
any sense of tension when their time comes. No feeling of
loss. Any dummy knows that. As a matter of fact, the only
moment of true character development consisted of the following
exchange that went a little something like this:
Guy #1: Do you have kids.
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #3: What was that?
Guy #1 or Guy #2: AUGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I wish I werd kidding.
I could rag on the nigh-impossible concept that the hieroglyphics
were alternately from different known societies and not an
amalgamation of concepts in each symbol. I could also make
a big stink at how doofy and bulky the WWE Predators were
or how phallic their blades became. I could also point out
how damned silly it was that the Preds had to get to the middle
of the pyramid where their guns were stored but had EVERY
OTHER KIND OF DAMNED WEAPONS AT THEIR DISPOSAL. I could whine
at the PG-13 rating. No. That’s just too easy. My big
gripe is that this movie perpetuates a feeling that has always
existed in the movie making community. A lack of respect for
the audience and an assumption that only the dumb and shiny
make money. My gripe is all the more painful when it dawns
on me that AVP was the highest grossing
film from both of the franchises involved.
I wish I were kidding.
How's It Look,
Smartguy?
Presented in 2.35:1 anamorphic, this transfer at least is
very nice. Blacks are black, details are sharp and clear and
I noticed no artifacting or haloing. If the movie was any
good I’d pick this up just for the eye candy aspect,
but even that is not enough, I’m afraid.
How's It Sound, Ya
Bum?
This comes with a 5.1 Dolby Digital track as well as a 5.1
DTS track. Sound is a very important element, and great
care went into mastering this for a DVD release. It shows.
All channels are mixed at the appropriate
levels. WHY I ask you WHY!!!??
There is also a chance to experience
the pain in French Dolby Surround 2.0 and Spanish Dolby Surround
2.0. It’s like an Epcot of crap.
You Think I Just
Wanted The Movie, Pal?
There are two commentary tracks on this DVD. The first is by director Anderson, actor Henriksen,
and actor Lathan. I made it a whole 20 minutes into this track
until I could no longer take how much Henriksen was marveling
at what a “great” movie Anderson made. He’s
a cool actor who we all dig seeing but CHRIST!!! Cut it out
already. The second track is by special effects fellas Alec
Gillis, Tom Woodruff, Jr., and John Bruno. I didn’t
listen to it.
Next up, deleted scenes that don’t add much being just
over 2 minutes total. No revelations here.
A “making of” featurette entitled The Making
of Alien Vs. Predator. This was like, 23 minutes long.
I hated the movie. Why the FUCK would I sit through this?
Are you NUTS!!??
A FOX Superbowl Promo and a gallery of Dark Horse Comic Covers finish up the extras. Those covers were the most interesting
bit there. Seriously.
Tossed on is a FOX promo called Inside Look, which
is a bunch of featurettes for other FOX movies that they assume
anyone who bought this movie would be interested in.
As an added “bonus…” you’ll find
a choice of viewing an Extended Version of the film that adds
over a minute to the very start of the film. This scene involves
a pivotal moment where a whaler is hunted down and killed
in 1904. It really makes the movie that much more interesting.
Yup. It really does. The movie is a completely different experience.
Why they ever cut it is beyond me. You bet. The killing of
the whaler should never have been dropped. I see it all through
a different perspective now. Thank you. Thank you Paul W.S.
Anderson for adding the scene where the whaler got snuffed.
Bring Us On Home, Brother
A big ol’ spit in the face for
fans of both franchises, this movie respects its audience
about as much as a woman named “Sexx_G_Oddess”
has for some dolt paying $3.99 a minute to yank one off to
her removing her bra. However, due to the success of this
film in comparison to the other films in the franchises as
well its profit-to-budget ratio, expect more of the same in
the future.
I wish I were kidding.
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