As a special treat to all you DIMPers out there, instead of the usual review, I got my hands on the transcript of an interview with one Matthew Modine from perhaps the most in depth, one-on-one shows out there. The show itself is SO GOOD that most in the “biz” feel we common folk can’t even handle the intensity of such a soul-rocking interview that it gets buried at @3:00 am Saturday night/Sunday Morning. Naturally, this genre defining show is none other than Kickin’ It With Byron Allen. Enjoy, kids.

ALLEN: Heeeeeeyyyyy. I’m chllin’ it here with my good pal, Matthew Modine. Thanks for being here, man.

MODINE: I have to be here. The studio rented this hotel room so I could DO these fucking interviews.

ALLEN: It’s a sweet pad. What’s the name of this place again?

MODINE: Econo Lodge.

ALLEN: Coooooool. So, tell me about this movie you just did, Funky Monkey.

MODINE: I worked with Kubrick.

ALLEN: Yes. Yes you did.

MODINE: STANLEY FUCKING KUBRICK!!!!

ALLEN: Yeah, I dig ya’ I dig ya.’ So about this monkey-movie…

MODINE: Demme. Oh god…Jonathan Demme.

ALLEN: Yeah, I saw that, too. Pfiefer’s a hottie, alright. But…

MODINE: Alan Parker. Motherfucking ALTMAN, for Chrissake. Sheesh. Oh, and Memphis Belle. I was in Memphis Belle. WHO DOESN’T LOVE MEMPHIS BELLE, BYRON?! WHO DOESN’T LOVE MEMPHIS BELLE!!??

ALLEN: Heeeey… easy on the Adidis track suit there, Matt.

MODINE: Sorry, Byron. I’m sorry, man. You know I love you, right?

ALLEN: Hell yeah, baby. The Byron loves you, too. But you gotta tell me about this movie you just did.

MODINE: Okay. I play a secret agent type guy that gets hired to train a monkey martial arts... do… do I have to go on?

ALLEN: I’m afraid you do, man. Otherwise they’ll make you pay for the room. I saw them do it to Segal.

MODINE: Cold. Alright, so after I’m done training him I discover that the evil corporation that I did this for is just going to take the monkey and do science on him so I help him to escape and then we are on the run and then we meet a boy that we befriend and then it turns out his mom is conveniently renting an empty room above her garage, but NO PETS, and then we find out the boy is trying to win a girls’ heart at school, AND trying to get on the football team, and then we still get ourselves in wacky situations seeing that I’m hanging out with a monkey and all WHILE trying to win over the kid’s mom and keeping away from the bad guys.

ALLEN: Sounds convoluted.

MODINE: Strangely it’s not. It’s simple, Byron. It’s all too FUCKING simple.

ALLEN: I dig it.

MODINE: Christ, man, I’m no dummy. Do you KNOW how far down the action hero list they had to go before getting to MATTHEW MODINE!!??

ALLEN: Now, calm down. It’s not all that bad.

MODINE: Did you SEE the movie, Byron? Let’s go down the list of A-listers, shall we? Roma Downing… Touched By an Angel? How about RAPED BY HER PLASTIC SURGEON!!?? Ugh. Next up, Bodhi Elfman. You know, the one less annoying than Jenna Elfman. Anyway, we got Jeffrey Tambor , who I actually felt sorry for now that I mention it, Taylor Negron, you know, the pizza guy from Fast Times and GILBERT GOTTFRIED, for crying out loud. Oh, and let’s not forget about the goddamned MONKEY!!! I CAN’T forget about the MONKEY.

ALLEN: Yeah, that’s pretty shitty. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.

MODINE: You know, Byron. This film was beginning to end pabulum. When it’s all said and done, I still don’t know if this festering turd was cobbled together by some clueless amateurs or the most jaded cynical motherfuckers alive. You know what I mean, Byron?

ALLEN: That I do, pal. That I do. So, tell me about the DVD release they have planned.

How's It Look, Smart Guy?
MODINE: Sky’s the limit my friend. Sky’s the limit. Just one word for you: Fullscreen. It’s a grainy transfer and to make matters worse it’s in fullscreen.

ALLEN: Blasphemy.

MODINE: Tell me about it. This is DVD, we’re talking. Now, trust me here, there’s no need to worry about “director’s vision” or anything, but…. (snicker)… wait. Director’s vision…. (snort… snicker… snicker) Oh god …. BWAH HA HA HA HA HA….

How's It Sound, Ya Bum?
(15 minutes later)

MODINE: GODDAMN did that feel good. So, Byron, you were saying?

ALLEN: Is the sound at least good?

MODINE: This is Funky Monkey, Byron, not Star Wars or some shit!! Who gives a fuck. I mean, really.

ALLEN: Point taken.

You Think I Just Wanted The Movie, Pal? 
ALLEN: What about those illin’ Extras, huh? Them Special Features all those kids love to sink their teeth into?

MODINE: Extras?

ALLEN: Yeah.

MODINE: Special Features?

ALLEN: Yeah, man. Tell me all about those nifty lil’ Special Features.

MODINE: Not a one.

ALLEN: Nothing?

MODINE: Nada.

ALLEN: Cheap-ass motherfuckers.

MODINE: NOW you’re talking my language.

Bring Us On Home, Brother
ALLEN: You know man, screw that studio. I’LL pay for this stanky room. Let’s get outta here and go get us some 40s.

MODINE: We gotta stop by that Checks X-Press before we go, ‘though. I want to cash this thing before it bounces. Oh, and can we stop by the video store, too?

ALLEN: Memphis Belle?

MODINE: Yeah. Memphis Belle.

ALLEN: You’re so cute.