I always meet film adaptations of pre-existing stories with trepidation. From the standard novel, to comic book adaptations, to even television-to-film adaptations, there will always be a select group of people shouting at the top of their lungs, “This isn’t going to be any good!” The trading-card-to-film genre is much more obscure, and seems to consist of two movies: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie and Mars Attacks!. Was anyone truly distressed when these films were announced? Did anyone go through these films, trying to pick out the loving tributes, while tearing apart glaring inaccuracies? I certainly couldn’t tell you how inaccurate the film is since I was never allowed to buy any cards, so let’s simply evaluate the film on its own merits.

The film establishes itself as sheer ‘80s hideousness by having The Facts of Life semi-star Mackenzie Astin (playing the scrappy Dodger) dunked head-first into a puddle of mud by arch-villain Juice. This act of adolescent torture happens in the opening minutes of the film, an obvious glaring error on the part of the filmmakers. Let us get to know the character of Dodger ourselves before we decide that we want to see him face down in a mud puddle, okay?

Dodger manages to whine his way to the magic shop where he works with part-time witch and crap dealer, Cap'n Manzini, a role that must have been turned down by David Warner and quickly snatched up by a mincing Anthony Newley. Manzini’s sole purpose in the film is to insist Dodger not open his garbage pail full of deformed children; but a fight ensues after Dodger hits on Juice’s girl, Tangerine (sensing a theme here?), and the pail is dumped over… to absolutely no one’s surprise.

Juice and his gang manage to dump Dodger down into the sewer, but he’s rescued by The Garbage Pail Kids, who take him back to the magic shop for some crazed 3’7” anarchy (by “anarchy,” I mean throwing stuff in the air). Manzini comes back to the store and insists Dodger take care of his own mess; thus damning us to an additional 75 minutes of rubber-faced antics.

The Kids try to help Dodger impress Tangerine by sewing a tasseled coat for him. Initially afraid, Dodger is soon finding himself moonwalking to the girl of his dreams. Of course, the “girl of his dreams” manipulates the little bastard into creating more clothing, who in turn manipulates the Garbage Pail Kids into robbing a non-union shop and working hours of unpaid, heavy labor. With the Kids’ hard work and Dodger’s idiocy, Tangerine puts on a fashion show. This gives Juice’s gang enough time to send the Kids over to The State Home for the Ugly, where even being too crippled is a punishable offense. It’s up to a newly dejected Dodger and constantly mugging Manzini to both save the day and deliver some social commentary, sledgehammer-style.

While The Garbage Pail Kids might come off as truly frightening, the humans don’t fare well, either. Dodger seems to be some sort of masochist who keeps vying for the attention of Tangerine, who mentally abuses him throughout the movie. Dodger might only be 14 years old, but that’s old enough to understand that if a person sits back and laughs at you as you’re being thrown down a sewer, she’s probably not interested. The level of physical and mental torture Dodger gets put through voluntarily is better suited for a Todd Solondz movie, not a PG rated children’s film.

Of course, I haven’t mentioned anything about the directing, the script, the art direction, the soundtrack, the editing, the cinematography, or the special effects. There aren’t any.

Image
While a light grain is present throughout the movie, it’s easy to say this is the best the film has ever looked. Sure the image is slightly soft, but chalk it up to the fact it’s the goddamn Garbage Pail Kids Movie, and you’ll definitely be impressed by how well the image has held up. You even get a Widescreen presentation! Did you ever think you’d see this film in its original aspect ratio?

Sound
Two-channel mono is all you’re getting, and two-channel mono is all you need. It’s serviceable, and easy to understand.

Extras 
You get a trailer. Even the announcer who says “The Garbage Pail Kids Movie” sounds apologetic.

Overall
It’s pretty easy to say that the film fails in every single way imaginable. What should come off as a children’s introduction to subversive entertainment comes off as truly horrific. While The Garbage Pail Kids Movie isn’t supposed to come off as “cute,” it certainly don’t come off as “fun,’ either.