When I was a younger lad, it was clear to me that Jack Lord was the shit: here was this well-dressed tall, handsome man that was intelligent and cunning, cool and collective, fire and ice… no man in his right mind would dare get in his face unless he wanted to be beaten to a bloody pulp both physically and mentally.

Traci Lords has been quoted as saying she chose her last name in honor of him (she named her cat after his “Hawaii Five-O” character, too).  He was also cinema’s first Felix Leiter in the Bond offering Dr. No and was originally supposed to reprise his role in Goldfinger but the producers were afraid his portrayal of the CIA Agent would leave that of star Sean Connery’s in the dust (and it would have) so the part was re-cast.  He was even considered to play Captain Kirk on “Star Trek” but was turned down due to Jack wanting to co-produce and receive a percentage of the series.

Despite all that, Jack Lord still managed to make a name for himself by signing onto “Hawaii Five-O” in 1968 as Detective Steve McGarrett, the head of Five-O, a special division of the Honolulu Police Department (HPD) under the authority of the Governor.  Five-O serves as a sort of FBI: specializing in the handling of murder cases, narcotics trafficking, espionage and other crimes that the HPD just can’t seem to manage.  Under McGarrett’s command throughout The Third Season are Steve’s right hand man Det. Danny “Danno” Williams (James MacArthur), Det. Kono Kalakaua (Hawaiian Native Zulu) and Det. Chin Ho Kelly (former real life Honolulu police officer Kam Fong). Other series regulars include Khigh Dhiegh as Red Chinese villain Wo Fat, Richard Dennis as Governor Jameson, Peggy Ryan as Jenny the Secretary and the true unsung hero of Five-O, Che Fong (Harry Endo).  Long before the “C.S.I.” series (or that appalling “NCIS” show), there was Che Fong…and let me tell you, he could give William Petersen a run for his money any ol’ day.

Disc One
Episode One: “And A Time To Die…” - Commie Wo Fat is at it again: this time he as kidnapped the daughter of Dr. Forbes (Donald Moffat) to ensure that a double agent whom they tried to assassinate does not recover from surgery.  A hardnosed US official only seems to complicate things further when he refuses to give a shit about Forbes’ daughter.

Luigi’s Useless Information: It’s official: Donald Moffat has always been old.  Every time I hear the name Wo Fat, I think of Woody Allen’s What’s Up, Tiger Lily? and the character named Wing Fat in that movie…classic.  I actually had to order a Region 2 copy of that movie on DVD just so I could rekindle my unhealthy fascination with the actors’ silly voices.  Unfortunately, the copy I received was of pretty poor quality.  When is someone going to re-release that title in the US already?

Episode Two: “Trouble In Mind” - Harry Guardino plays ex-junkie musician Michael Martin, partner of jazz artist Eadie Jordan (jazz artist Nancy Wilson).  Martin winds up on the police radar after Kono suspects him of possessing heroin and pulls him over.  To make matters worse, a deadly batch of heroin is killing drug addicts on the island.

Luigi’s Useless Information: McGarrett confesses being a jazz fan in this episode.  What a guy.

Episode Three: “The Second Shot” - Before hunting down Cornelius and Zira in Escape From The Planet Of The Apes and achieving lifelong stardom (or at least a steady paycheck…you be the judge) among soap-opera fans (or losers…whichever you prefer to call them…again, that’s up for you to decide) on “The Young And The Restless”, Eric Braeden played lots of bit parts here and there…such as this one.  In this episode, he’s an assassin who is deliberately shot just above the heart by another assassin so that any suspicion will be alleviated from him and he can get closer to the real target: some Greek guy.

Luigi’s Useless Information: This is a good story, but it would’ve been better with a different approach (ideally switching the plot around a bit so that we don’t know the assassin is an assassin).

Episode Four: “Time And Memories” - A guy is murdered.  His wife, daughter and colleague are all suspects.  Martin Sheen guest stars.

Luigi’s Useless Information: The victim’s wife in this case turns out to be McGarrett’s ex-girlfriend and we’re treated into a glimpse of McGarrett’s personal past.

Disc Two
Episode Five: “The Guarnerius Caper” - Two hoodlums (Anthony James and Kenneth O’Brien) steal a car which just happens to contain a priceless Stradivarius belonging to visiting Russian musician Dmitri Rostov (Ed Flanders).  The thugs sell the violin to an blind old music teacher and then kill him when they learn that it is worth more than $50.  While McGarrett searches for the violin and it’s unwitting kidnappers-turned-killers, Russian diplomat Sarpa (Albert Paulsen) sees the whole affair as an opportunity to turn up the heat during the Cold War.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Anthony James has to be one of the most easily-recognized faces in cinema and television.  In the early 90s, he quit acting (probably tired of being typecast) to pursue a successful career as an artist.  Kudos to you, Anthony.  His co-star in this episode, Kenneth O’Brien, looks like the illegitimate offspring of Sonny Bono and Dave Grohl.

Episode Six: “The Ransom” - A professional kidnapper (Andrew Duggan) rounds up a group of incompetents to snatch the young son of local rich bastard Nelson Blake (Lloyd Gough).  Blake’s withdrawal of a tidy some o’cash sets off a bell with McGarrett and soon, Kono winds up being abducted as well.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Personally, if I was kidnapped, I wouldn’t mind being locked in a room with a guy like Zulu: he was a nightclub entertainer that sang and performed stand-up so I know I’d be entertained…it would never get cold: I could always rely on his body heat to keep the entire room at a nice (but moist) temperature, and if worst came to worst and the kidnappers left us there to die, I could always eat him.

Episode Seven: “Force Of Waves” - A mysterious explosion kills a rich tycoon and injures McGarrett.  Whodunit?  Ann McCormack (mother of Don Stroud) and the late great John Vernon guest star in an episode with a twist of psychosis added for good measure.

Luigi’s Useless Information: The beauty that was featured running on the beach in the opening credits of every episode was Elizabeth Logue.

Episode Eight: “The Reunion” - Hatsuo Shigato, a big Japanese businessman (Teru Shimada from You Only Live Twice) finds himself the victim of a series of threats.  McGarrett suspects three WWII Veterans (Simon Oakland, Barry Atwater and Joe Maross) visiting the island on a tour, some of whom believe Shigato to be Kim Rashiri, the sadistic commander of a POW camp in which all three men were imprisoned and tortured.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Maybe it’s because I was feeling extremely groggy from the flu when I watched this episode, but I thought it was a well written chapter with some very fine acting (some of the fellas that play the vets in particular).  Teru Shimada was one of the few Japanese actors in American film and television during his 40+ year acting career to play actual Japanese characters.  Generally, Chinese, Korean and sadly, white guys would be cast (particularly during WWII).  He died in 1988 at the age of 83.

Disc Three
Episode Nine: “The Late John Louisiana” - No film or television series made between 1967 and 1999 was complete without Don Stroud.  Julie Grant (Marianne McAndrew) was the only witness that could identify local gangster Harry Quon (Alfred Ryder) as the murderer of the late John Louisiana, but she was killed two years ago after Quon sent his number one gun Nick Pierson (Stroud) to whack her.  What Quon doesn’t know is that Nick fell in love with Julie and that she is still very much alive.  What Julie doesn’t know is that Nick is Quon’s number one gun.

Luigi’s Useless Information: I’m not sure if Alfred Ryder’s character of Harry Quon is supposed to be Asian or just an eccentric gangster from New York with a Fu Manchu-style moustache.  Veteran actor Stroud played so many psychotic and/or villainous characters throughout his career that Joe Flaherty once parodied him (and his type-casting) on “SCTV” in a rather funny sketch about mental illness.

Episode Ten: “The Last Eden” - Looking like a cross between Dean Martin and Tony Franciosca, cult fave Ray Danton (Secret Agent Super Dragon) plays a hotheaded Hawaiian nightclub singer famous for his on-stage pro-ecology speeches that winds up getting framed for the explosion of a sewage plant by venerable television heavy Paul Stevens.

Luigi’s Useless Information: As much as I love Ray Danton (and I do), casting him as a Hawaiian in a show that featured actual Hawaiian actors as Hawaiian characters was right up there with casting Charlton Heston as a Mexican in Touch Of Evil.

Episode Eleven: “Over Fifty? Steal” - Even the most serious drama has to have a rather light-hearted episode.  The always-wonderful Hume Cronyn plays Louis Avery Filer aka The Monopoly Thief, an ingenious jewel bandit who pulls McGarrett and crew into an often humorous game of cat and mouse.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Cronyn plays such a likeable character that the viewer wouldn’t mind seeing McGarrett let this one get away just this time.  His character would return two years later in the Season 4 episode “Odd Man In”.

Episode Twelve: “Beautiful Screamer” - This episode allows James MacArthur to extend his acting talents.  Lloyd Bochner wants to divorce his wife (Laraine Stephens), but since alimony costs so much, he decides to make it look like the work of a serial killer but first he has to do away with some other women…one of whom happens to be poor Danno’s girlfriend (Anne Archer, in one of her first roles).

Luigi’s Useless Information: Bochner’s first victim is played by a lovely young lass by the name of Valerie Holmes and, according to the IMDb at the time of this writing, this would be her only role in the wonderful world of acting.  Tragic, to say the least, as the scenes of her in a short white tennis skirt with her undies poking out are simply stimulating (if you still look that good, Valerie, I could use a tennis teacher).

Disc Four
Episode Thirteen: “The Payoff” - The human enigma that was known as Albert Salmi guest stars as the bad guy that delivers a long overdue bullet to his former partner (and now skid-row denizen) Jase Gorman (Warren Vanders), but before Jase heads off to that great big cardboard box in the sky, he manages to call McGarrett claiming to have evidence in an old unsolved kidnapping-turned-murder case from the mainland.  Jase also manages to call in another past-partner from the old case (in the guise of Paul Carr) to kill Salmi.  Madlyn Rhue also guest stars.

Luigi’s Useless Information: To Albert and Roberta Salmi: may you both Rest In Peace.

Episode Fourteen: “The Double Wall” - Harry Kellem (Monte Markham) was wrongfully accused for murder.  In prison for life, he works in the hospital infirmary.  You can imagine his surprise when a dying prisoner confesses to the very killing Kellem is in prison for…you can also imagine his aggravation when no one believes him (they were alone, see) and you can even sympathize with Kellem when he holds the prison doctor hostage and demands that someone believe him.  Yes, you can put yourself in his place…but can McGarrett?  FYI: the iconic phrase “Book ‘em, Danno” is finally heard in this episode.

Luigi’s Useless Information: The great William Schallert shows up as Markham’s lawyer in this episode.  I saw him once at the Egyptian Theatre during the 3-D Film Expo in 2003 (the film was Gog, just in case you’re wondering…yes, I travel to see crappy movies): he was a very polite man but was in a hurry to get away from a theatre full of movie nerds…can’t imagine why.  Author Bill Warren was there, too…he yelled at me for sitting in his seat…sorry, Bill…didn’t see your frickin’ name anywhere, but I should’ve figured that that foul odor belonged to somebody who thought his shit didn’t stink.  I’m sooooo terribly sorry, mister-my-friends-shouldn’t-have-to-speak-up-on-my-behalf-and-say-“someone’s sitting there”-nor-can-I-and-my-huge-ass-make-it-through-an-entire-two­-hour-presentation-without-buying-every-single-item-in-the-concession-stand-Bill-fucking-Warren!  And your taste in clothing is horrendous, too.  That said, keep up the good work, Bill.

Episode Fifteen: “Paniolo” - Frank Silvera plays a stubborn old paniolo (the Hawaiian word for cowboy) who accidentally kills an evil real-estate developer (like there’s any other kind) and tries to make it look like…well…an accident (of a different nature).  When McGarrett gets wise to him, he takes off into the beautiful green mountains, leaving McGarrett to don the queerest looking riding garb since Gene Wilder’s attire in The World’s Greatest Lover  and giving chase on horseback.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Damn, those mountains look beautiful in this episode…OK, you’ve sold me: I want to visit Hawaii and run around naked with a bevy of beautiful brown-skinned hula dancers!

Episode Sixteen: “Ten Thousand Diamonds And A Heart” - Tim O’Connor (the American James Mason) is sprung from jail by the godfather from Revenge Of The Pink Panther (Paul Stewart) to plan a multi-million-dollar jewel heist.

Luigi’s Useless Information: The hesiters make such beautiful little models: perfectly symmetrical miniatures made out of rigid cardboard and painted to perfection.  See if you can figure out what Danno is really saying when he utters the words “…a guy with a bum heart…” - it’s obvious that his voice has been dubbed over.

Disc Five
Episode Seventeen: “To Kill Or Be Killed” - A Vietnam vet takes a leap from a balcony. Murder or suicide?  His brother Michael (Michael Anderson, Jr.), a draftee determined to flee the country before he gets pulled into the war, is the prime suspect.  Their father, an Army general (John Anderson - no relation), assists McGarrett in his investigations and they discover the government was spying on the deceased (they even tell Steve to back off…no one tells Steve McGarrett to back off, brudder!).  Danno gets to go undercover in this one.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Cult favorite Joy Bang (Night Of The Cobra Woman, Dead People) plays Michael’s hippy girlfriend.

Episodes Eighteen and Nineteen: “F.O.B. Honolulu: Parts 1 & 2” - That Commie, Wo Fat, is at it again!  This time, Fat and his Red comrades have joined up with the Russians and they’re after some counterfeit plates they plan to use to destroy the US economy.  What they don’t know is that we don’t need any help: our economy is plenty awful to begin with.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Joseph Sirola (voiceover extraordinaire…right on par with Don LaFontaine and Frank Welker) returns from Season 2 as Jonathan Kaye (and he looks like a mixture of Henry Gibson and Mel Brooks).  Sabrina Scharf, Roger C. Carmel and Monte Landis all play villains.

Episode Twenty: “The Gunrunner” - Arms dealer Ben Cunningham (Paul Burke) finds himself in a fine kettle of fish  when some Malanesian Separatists kidnap his wife (Marian McCargo) over an arms deal with the Malanesian government.   George Murdock and Arthur Batanides guest star.

Luigi’s Useless Information: The Malanesian government wish to announce that the portrayal of the Malanesian government and people in this teleplay are fictitious and in no way represent the actual behavior of the Malanesian government or people.  You can find out for yourself by booking your next vacation for the Malanesian Islands: enjoy the beautiful scenery, the clear water, the pretty girls (and boys), the fruity drinks, the horrors of the Separatist movements--no, no, we didn’t mean to say that…we have no trouble whatsoever with any sort of separatists…as a matter of fact, there are no separatists at all because these are the beautiful Malanesian Islands!  Call today!

Disc Six
Episode Twenty-One: “Dear Enemy” - Character actor Dub “Cannonball” Taylor plays Ray Tobias, a loud-mouthed Southerner who gets himself killed one night while walking around drunk (but it could‘ve been an accident).  Somehow, Tobias is linked to the heated murder trial of Senator Whiting (John Lupton).  Whiting’s wife, Flora (Vera Miles), was confined after a nervous breakdown and the supposedly crazy woman may or may not hold enough evidence to free her husband.  Gary Collins guest stars.

Luigi’s Useless Information: Vera Miles is perhaps best remembered as playing Janet Leigh’s sister in Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960).  Here, she plays the psycho one.

Episode Twenty-Two: “The Bomber And Mrs. Moroney” - McGarrett is in Chicago.  Bad timing, too, because a total loon (Mark Jenkins) just released from prison takes Chin, Jenny the secretary, a cop (Verne Hoke) and a stubborn old lady named Mrs. Moroney (Hope Summers from “The Andy Griffith Show”) hostage in the Five-O office (complete with a gun and dynamite!).  He shoots Kyle off of the balcony, blinds Chin with powder burns by firing a gun in front of his eyes and demands Danno so that he can kill him as payback…trouble is, Danno has no idea who he is! 

Luigi’s Useless Information: This episode features flashbacks to the Season 1 episode “…And They Painted Daisies On His Coffin”.  Jenkins’ imaginings of Danno being riddled with bullets in slow-motion are pretty laughable (it looks like MacArthur was giggling the whole time…maybe the squibs tickled or something).

Episodes Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four: “The Grandstand Play: Parts 1 & 2” - Gary, the mentally challenged son of baseball hero Lon Phillips (Pernell Roberts) runs into a drunk woman while walking toward the concession stand at a baseball game.  Later, the woman winds up dead and Gary (Elliott Street) denies having met her.  Barry Atwater makes his final guest appearance on “Hawaii Five-O” (with a ridiculous comb over and moustache) and even Tarzan shows up (Jock Mahoney)!

Luigi’s Useless Information: The hottie tour guide that helps Gary is played by Laola Ohai, who would later become a drama teacher.  If only my parents would have had the common sense to abandon me in Hawaii as an infant...I could have taken drama in high school there!

It’ll only take one episode of “Hawaii Five-O” for you to see that Steve McGarrett is everything a young lad would want to be when he grows up: calm, calculating, efficient, good-looking, admired by all…  However, with every hero, McGarrett does have a flaw: he can’t park a car in the allotted space to save his life!  Maybe it’s because it was the early 70s when every automobile was convinced that it was a small house, but Steve sure would have made a terrible valet (just the kind of inept driver that I get when I pull into a valet lane…the guy who rummages through my glove compartment for...something…laughs at me for my taste in music and usually leaves a cigarette butt behind in his wake).  Throughout the entire series, my obsessive compulsive side twitches in agony to scenes of Steve double parking, taking up two spaces or even blocking the entrances to entire parking lots.  Still, he’s the head of Five-O…he can park wherever the hell he wants to…and he looks damn good doing it, too.

And just for the record: it’s the letter “O”, not a zero.  Otherwise, it would be called “Hawaii Five-Zero” which wouldn’t sound very intimidating.

I should also like to point out that “Hawaii” should be spelled “Hawai’i” (but I won’t press the matter since I would hate to confuse several entire generations that already have enough trouble trying to figure out when and where to use an apostrophe in the first place…and don‘t get me started on that!).

I would also like to invite the good people of Hawai’i to adopt me and appoint me as Ambassador of Important Sounding Stuff or, at the very least, the Official Caretaker of Cute Drunk Chicks on Vacation.

Presentation
CBS/Paramount brings us a very nice looking transfer of “Hawaii Five-O” - The Third Season .  The image on these episodes look very beautiful: what few vibrant colors they used on 70s television are very vivid while even the dull pastels that were extremely common on TV back then do not fail to impress. 

The Mono Stereo English soundtrack is most satisfactory.  The Spanish soundtrack is about as awful as they come.  There are also subtitles in English, Spanish and Portuguese.

Extras
The original Episodic Promos are included as optional viewing material before each episode (there are no Promos for “The Ransom”, “Over Fifty? Steal” and a few others).  Each Promo gives a brief rundown of what takes place in the episode and is narrated by Jack Lord (“Be there.  Aloha.”).  There are also Previews for other TeleVintage shows on Disc One that play automatically but can also be accessed via the Main Menu.

The Bottom Line
Good fun for all.  Get it.  Aloha.