My initial raw reaction to watching House of the Dead

I saw it.
I actually saw it.
I can't believe I saw it.
"You did all this to become immortal. Why?”
"To live forever.”
My god. They actually SAID that.
Someone WROTE that. Someone was PAID for that.
This was bad.
This was very bad.

Now, after some time passed to absorb

Now that the shock has worn off a bit, I can now articulate my feelings more clearly. At first, I was indeed stunned at the sheer ineptness of the script, the amateur direction and the god-awful acting. I couldn't believe this movie got funding. However, as time progressed I began to see the train wreck in a different light.

HOUSE OF THE DEAD IS A BRILLIANT MOTION PICTURE EVENT OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

You heard me. This stinkburger is, in fact, a groundbreaking film. It really is.

The key to any movie like this is playing with audience expectations. We all know that these horny yuppie larvae are going to be picked off one by one, and you can pretty much guess who was getting the ol' heave ho when you first met them. However, scribes Altman, Bates and Parker were smart enough to pick up on the fact that we have already seen enough movies that have messed with our expectations and they wanted to give us what made us feel more comfortable in a film that was wrought with uncomfortable moments. It was a pat on the head, a reassurance if you will…all to hold our jaded little hands to pull us through.

Now, any other scriptwriters who would toss such a large cast at us would at least throw in some moments of character development to let us relate to the players in some way or, at the very least, understand why they do what they do. But do Altman, Bates and Parker follow that cliché? Hell no. Think about it. If some outside force were viewing your activities for two hours, any random two hours, what are the chances that YOU would do ANYTHING that would define you as a person? Two hours of work. Two hours of watching TV. I doubt those moments would reveal all THAT much, and that concept is precisely what the writers are demonstrating. We, as the viewers, are plunked down in the middle of these individuals' lives at a point were they aren't forced to be witty, or clever or particularly interesting, just like most of us 95% of the time. Which brings me to the MOST BRILLIANT PIECE OF FILMMAKING I have EVER EXPERIENCED

In a melding of the minds, Altman, Bates and Parker's economical script is embraced by director extraordinaire Uwe Boll and taken one step further, visually. Within the first five minutes of the film, we are introduced to a few of the main characters. Again, instead of actually SHOWING the relationship these characters have via interaction and character dialogue, we are just flat out TOLD this information. No padding of the script with cutesy moments of some character running around with an orange peel in his mouth or some pointless meeting at a restaurant between two old high school classmates, one of whom is pregnant and investigating a murder in her small town. The filmmakers respect the audience too much with such trivial moments and choose to believe in the true power of the word…the spoken word. To support this love for “the word.” Uwe Boll demonstrates the importance of the moment by using a FREEZE FRAME on each character as said info is supplied. This technique in lesser hand is possibly awkward and trite, but in the hands of Uwe Boll it most certainly is. The awkwardness of turning from teens to early 20's, the well-worn path we all will travel no matter how 'unique' we like to think we are, is all demonstrated in this hamfisted, poorly executed camera trick. Beautiful.

"Uweonderful" stuff.

And I have just scratched the surface. Future discussions will point out the significance of the individual characters: Such as the true symbolism behind Captain Kirk's Cuban cigars (it's not what you think...); Liberty and her personification of all that has gone wrong with the US; and Castillo's shocking similarity to Barbara Streisand's early years.

Keep watching, kids…

How Does It Look, Smartguy?
This feast of the senses is presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen as is befitting for such a celebrated release. I’m not going to say anything negative about the transfer of this sucker at all. If I was a lesser man I might scoff at how nice this transfer was considering how utterly crappy this 90 minute waste of time was… BUT FUCK THAT GUY!!!!

How's It Sound, Ya Bum?
Dolby Digital 5.1 EX and DTS-ES 6.1 Discreet, baby!!! Nothing but the best. With that constant “thump thump thump” of that finger poppin’ techno music to give my speakers a workout.

You Think I Just Wanted The Movie, Pal?
Two COMMENTARY TRACKS provide us insight into brilliance. The first with director Uwe Boll, post-production supervisor Jonathan Shore, producer Shawn Williamson and “actor” Will Sanderson. If you ever wondered what it was like to hear Zeus speak, listen to this track. The other track features executive producer Mark Altman but I really didn’t give a fuck what he had to say.

Also included is a "making of" FEATURETTE that gives us some behind the scenes views into the magic.

STORYBOARD COMPARISONS that I didn’t even look at,

DELETED SCENES that I didn’t check out and

TRAILERS for this film and other Artisan releases that I forgot to check out.

Bring Us On Home, Brother
FUCK THE EXTRAS. It’s the movie we all care about, and what a movie it is. If Uwe Boll keeps churning out product such as this then the rest of Hollywood better put up or shut up. I have seen the future, and it is “Uwe.”

		House of the Dead
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