 When
I got Inked: The Best of Season 1 in my hands
I kind of frowned. A reality show. I probably hadn’t seen
a reality show since The Real World premiered.
I figured a good 10-year period of intentional ignorance would
be enough time for the whole “reality television”
concept to mature into compelling viewing, plus I figured I
have tattoo artist friends. I have friends covered in tattoos.
I even want a few tattoos, though I’m a bit queasy on
the pain factor, figuring if I spend minutes on end screaming
profanities after stubbing my toe, I probably couldn’t
handle a needle. Yes, I seemed to fit Inked’s
target demographic – an idea that distressed me to no
end.
I turned it off midway through the opening credits. The theme
song alone was depressingly awful; an upbeat “punk”
song about how people look on the outside, and how
they will never bow down to authority, because their ink is
their mark on society. Their lyrics, not mine. I was absolutely
sure if I stopped laughing I would probably start vomiting.
After an eternity of giggling, I turned the show back on,
making sure to mute it during the credits sequence.
So now I’ll simply be reviewing the show episode-by-episode,
after this bland, perfunctory introduction!
Inside the classy Palm hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada lies the
state’s first tattoo parlor that can be found in a hotel/casino,
 Hart & Huntington Tattoo Company. Seen as a breakthrough
by its owners and workers, the crew has to walk on eggshells
in-between the eccentric, drunken folk who stagger their way
into the shop, and between themselves. Seemingly at the center
of it all is Thomas, a tattoo artist who also works hard as
the spokesperson and “image” of the shop itself,
who not only has to balance his job in the shop and his job
behind the scenes, but also his personal life dating his co-worker,
Monica. While there is a collective of odd artists who surround
Thomas in his day-to-day life, he is certainly the anchor
of the show.
Inked: Best of Season 1 comes with eight
episodes, which are:
Pull It Together
Dizzle
The lowly shop helper Dizzle (Oh by the way, that’s
a retarded fucking name) spends most of his time goofing
off on the job. Despite his constant claims that he wants
to be a tattoo artist, after 11 months of working at the shop
he still can’t be bothered to put away inks or clean
out the machines. After getting suspended for a week due to
his constant shenanigans, Dizzle is able to come back and
finally get hold of a tattoo needle and a couple of grapefruits.
Dizzle is a horrible person, but manages to keep his job by
the end of the show.
The Trouble With
Quinn
Continuing the theme of obnoxious jackasses, Quinn is a receptionist
who makes sure to emphasize her love for her job in the confession
booth while the show cuts to scenes in the shop where she
throws everything into complete chaos. Monica is scheduled
to evaluate Quinn’s position but ends up getting into
a car crash, which greatly amuses Quinn and her boyfriend,
Kamil. Thomas threatens Kamil, which results in Kamil showing
up at the shop with five of his friends, who apparently forgot
that this is a tattoo shop in Vegas and not lunch period in
junior high. The event passes without incident. Quinn is a
horrible person, but manages to keep her job by the end of
the show.
Love On The Rocks
After five months of dating, Thomas still continues to see
his art coming before his romance with Monica, who is seething
after he didn’t pick her up for a Korn concert (a blessing
in disguise). Meanwhile, guest star Tony Hawk shows up to
record a radio show at the shop right as Thomas is breaking
it off with Monica, who quits the shop to no one’s surprise.
Get A Leg Up, Thomas
A professional Suicide Girl who happens to be an amputee ropes
Thomas into painting her prosthetic leg. This covers two of
my own fetishes – crazy girls and amputation. Thomas
takes the limb back to a warehouse for painting and tranquility,
but after about a month or two of stalling, the warehouse
is broken into. Oops.
The Big E-Vent
Of course there’s got to be a gentle giant that works
at the tattoo shop, right? Big E is both a professional fighter
and a tattoo artist. A burly man who can, of course, put on
a smile and connect with the customers in a personal way.
Watch Big E fight his way back into the ring! Watch Dizzle
drink a gallon of milk in 10 minutes in a b-story that nobody
ever asked for!
Trouble in Paradise
Dejah, a tattoo artist who hasn’t really been shown
on the disc up until this point so you don’t particularly
care about what she’s going through, is planning on
moving back to California after working a year at Hart and
Huntington. Thomas’ emotions grow more and more erratic
the longer he’s separated from Monica, who finally shows
up after three months of absence for reconciliation. Special
guest star: some guy from Survivor.
(At this moment I just noticed that I’ve grown so apathetic
that this is reading like actual blurbs in T.V. Guide.)
Change of Hart
Co-Owner Carey Hart is trying to buy John Huntington’s
share of the shop, or else Hart will hand over his share and
walk away with the employees. Hey, shouldn’t this be
the last episode on the disc?
Old School, Nu Skool
We’re quickly introduced to Twig, a jovial new artist
in the fold who has a playful work ethic. This stings the
one-eyed Clarke, who has a more traditional way of going about
things. Just like The Odd Couple the two
manage to hit it off despite their differences, a fun dynamic
that is sorely lacking from the previous episodes. Over in
story-b, manager-in-training Alex manages to douchebag his
way through the episode, getting fired after he purchases
a handful of drugs on camera. Let me repeat that: He gets
a job on a reality television show, only to end up being caught
on camera buying drugs. Is there an award for this?
The immediate problem with this disc is that it’s a
best-of compilation, so, unless you’re familiar with
the show, you’ll have a tough time trying to stitch
together some sort of continuity. Who knows if these episodes
have even been put together in chronological order? There’s
no airdate listed on the episodes. Because of this, you won’t
be able to travel with the characters throughout the series
to their eventual self-realizations, their redemptions, or
truly grow to be attached to these people. All that’s
left is a series of nasty moments without much catharsis.
But then again even if you had continuity to follow, who
knows if it would even matter, because most of these people
manage to come off as empty-headed children. With every possible
dramatic moment in these episodes comes the fantasy that the
most horrible possible action will be taken in hopes that
these folks will wake the hell up and actually do what they’re
supposed to be doing. In fact, every moment when an authority
figure is onscreen laying out what’s wrong with the
shop, it doesn’t come across as the dramatic super villainy
that it’s supposed to, it just comes off as cold, hard
logic.
People bicker, whine, fight and reunite like you’d
expect. Only it’s now marketed as “edgy”
due to the setting.
 Presentation
I always feel particularly lacking when talking about the
video portion of a shiny DVD. I’m not particularly good
at it, I don’t have a high-end television that makes
me sit up and pay attention to such things. But come on, it’s
a cable television show. For this kind of disc, there shouldn’t
even be a category for this stuff. It’s on video. It
looks like it was shot on video. What more do you want? The
audio is the same situation. It’s stereo. It’s
more active than you’d think, actually. That crappy
theme song comes out loud and clear. An all around “meh?”
– that’s what you’re getting from me.
Oh, and the show is still censored,
bleeping and blurring intact. They even bleep out the word
“ass.” I’m surprised that “ass”
is still a taboo.
Extras
Text extras, covering the employees of Hart & Huntington,
and Shop Talk – How To Talk Tattoo, a collection
of terms that remind me why I refuse to use slang that dates
later than 1934.
Overall
Outside of its setting, Inked is plainly
conventional. Maybe a full season set would have fleshed out
the emotional growth of these people, but this “Best-Of”
disc reminds me why I don’t watch much television. This
is strictly for fans.
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