My fondest memory of the tape was this really shitty Diet Coke promotion that was before the “feature presentation” that was no doubt exclusive to the rental copy (OFF TOPIC: There was a brilliant commercial on the Hellraiser VHS what was even more moronic but equally awesome) and the tape also brought my most tragic memory of my life as the tape broke apart sometime in 1993 ruining my state-of-the-art 1986 Montgomery Wards VCR. Ah, the glory days. But true nerdism never dies, and currently there is a sign up on my office door at work that says “only the penitent man may pass.” Only one person has ever gotten the reference.

Anyway, in the late 1990’s when Al Gore invented the Internet and people like me found others with common obsessions, I was somewhat disheartened to find out how many people dis the hell out of the Indy series, particularly the sequels. I mean, TOD has a short Asian kid and TLC has James Bond. What’s not to love? Well… let’s examine that question.

I guess arguably, The Last Crusade is a bit of a “let’s do it again” situation. After the complaints about the “scariness” of TOD, Crusade once again featured Nazis as villains, a reduction of the amount of alcohol on screen, and only one potentially frightening special effect. Certainly there was no heart-ripping or face-melting. It also amped up the humor quite a bit with Connery’s presence being almost as much a device as the Holy Grail is itself. But what’s bad about all this?

Nothing I can think of.

See Nazi’s are awesome villains. I think they should be in every movie. When Spielberg made Schindler’s List, and brought the Nazis back no one complained that he was covering the same ground. Why do you think that is? Because Nazis are fucking scary and have cool costumes, that’s why. You know what else is awesome? Fez hats and fat guys wearing them. This is why John Rhys-Davies is brought back in Crusade. At least, that’s all I can figure, because one of the few complaints I have is that he is drastically underused. Oh, and Crusade also marks the first time that Indy has a really hot chick in the form of evil pseudo-Nazi Dr. Elsa Schneider (Alison Doody, A View to a Kill). Even as a pubeless 8-year old I wanted an Austrian to say “goodbye” to me.

There are, however, three very important things about Crusade that keep it a truly awesome above average flick. Here they are… in order of their importance.

3. Awesome three-task finale with kick ass visuals. You’ve got a holy grail, and you’re gonna hide it after the first Crusade. What are you going to do? You put it in a valley, cut a temple into the side of a cliff and then put three tasks in front of anyone who dares taste immortality. First, there’s the buzzsaws, because buzzsaws were easily forged back in the day, and even easier to use as a booby-trap. But what if someone ducks and rolls like Dick Van Dyke and manages to slip past that? Well, no one ever has. Or, everyone who did also got past the second puzzle; spell God’s name in Latin. That’s a toughie, but nothing is as tough as the fact you have to walk across an invisible bridge that’s really not that invisible but merely camouflaged. So yeah, if you can get past the buzzsaws, you got it made. Well and the whole, drinking from the right Grail or else a vengeful God makes you teh dieds. While a bit more hokey and all the more implausible as an adult, I had my nails in my teeth and feet up on the theatre chair during these “trials” especially the awe inspiring “Leap of Faith” invisible bridge sequence. Even today the visuals are much more impressive than anything CGI has to offer.

2. Sean Connery. Even when Connery beats his women like your butcher beats your veal cutlet, he’s still awesome. He’s escaped from Alcatraz, ogled Catherine Zeta-Jones’ ass, took control over the worlds’ weather system and even taught a black man to write – and all of that was when he was over 60! Here, he beds the same woman his son does, takes out a Nazi plane with an umbrella and some seagulls (as PeTA looks away) and kills a man with a pen. Oh, and he also quotes Charlemagne and makes Indiana Jones look like a pussy repeatedly. Connery makes any movie much better than it is. It’s a shame he wouldn’t come out of retirement for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Light, although I still think it would have been awesome if they kept his character in the new movie and recast him with Roger Moore. But I guess that’s just wishful thinking.
                                                                                                
1. The opening prologue. No doubt about it, I love the whole opening scene with Indy hunting down a thief who discovered the Cross of Coronado before him. It was the first time we got a glimpse of a “young” Indiana Jones and no doubt served as an inspiration for the awesome The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles television series that started several years later. Sadly, River Phoenix (My Own Private Idaho) wouldn’t return to the role since he died in 1993. Still, the groundwork was laid, and what originally was an awesome and memorable opening sequence (with an excellent transition to “current” Indy) gave birth to even more Indiana Jones adventures, only some of which starred Sean Patrick Flannery.

No, The Last Crusade is no epic in modern filmmaking. But it is a perfect “blockbuster” style feature. Clear cut heroes, a turncoat femme fatale, goose-stepping bad guys and ordinary people doing impossible things. It’s these things and more that bring people back time and time again to the Indiana Jones series, and it’s the same thing that will get those
same people in theaters once again on May 22nd.

Presentation
Okay, we all know that the Indiana Jones saga is a cash-cow for Paramount and is certainly one of their most prized franchises. You can expect that Paramount would deliver the best that standard definition could handle… and they did that…five years ago. Nothing on the packaging here says that The Last Crusade has been remastered, and nothing about the product looks otherwise. It’s still not a bad transfer at all. It’s anamorphic and all the colors are balanced properly. The audio, interestingly enough sounds more “average” than I remember it being. You would think that with as many times I’ve seen this thing on VHS, I would be knocked out by even a bad 5.1 mix, but this one simply doesn’t overwhelm me. Although, in all actuality, it’s a fine mix. I’m just used to watching too many more recent garbage flicks that make more uses of the technology. Subtitles are back in English, French and Spanish.

Extras
“The Last Crusade: An Introduction” featurette – (6:13)
Seeing as how you’re not going to be getting any commentary from Spielberg for reasons not limited to being a douchebag, this is a going to have to do. In it Lucas and Spielberg go back and forth showing the brainstorming creative process. I’ll give you a rundown.

• Lucas: Let’s make a movie with the Holy Grail.
• Spielberg: Sounds gay, Wookie.
• Lucas: Oh does it now? Well what if it was MAGICAL? Like what if it gave you eternal life?
• Spielberg: Less flaming, but still gay. Let’s make the Grail a metaphor!
• Lucas: A metaphor for what? Your beard getting stuck in Amy Irving’s bush?
• Spielberg: I’m never drinking with you again!
• Lucas: Like you’d ever foot your own tab, Jewboy.
• Spielberg: Fuck you! … Hey, if we do this, can I bring the Nazi’s back and kill them?
• Lucas: Yeah, fine whatever.
• Spielberg: Hey, I gotta great idea for the fourth film, by the way.
• Lucas: Oh? Well let’s just warm up those cameras and wake-up ILM! [Feigns Interest]

This is how the magic happens people.

“Indy’s Women: The American Film Institute Tribute” featurette – (9:23)
This was seriously cool. This is a sort of panel with Karen Allen (Raiders), Kate Capshaw (Temple of Doom) and Alison Doody (Crusade) reminiscing about their characters and experiences that they had on the set. Karen Allen doesn’t have much worth noting to say. Capshaw on the otherhand was kind of interesting to listen to (for once) since she talked about what she didn’t like about her character and the negative reaction that she got from feminists. Which makes sense, since she was annoying as shit in Temple of Doom. Alison Doody, no doubt the hottest piece that Indy ever got, is still remarkably attractive and goes into great detail how she struggled to remain sexy in a role that required her to use an accent that she found counteracted that goal. I disagree. She can play Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS with me any day. Well, except for the castration stuff. That would suck. In all seriousness, I really enjoyed this feature.

“Indy’s Friends and Enemies” featurette – (10:46)
A reflection on the characters that played second fiddle to the fedora over the trilogy. It’s a nice look back by Lucas and Spielberg. While not as engaging as the women panel, there is still some interesting discussion about the archetypes of the villains and how they balanced them against the protagonists and even other villains.

These features are slightly better than your typical promo fluff, especially since Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Dark Crystal gets name-dropped in both of them.

Storyboards: The Opening Sequence – (3:40)
OMG! YOU CAN WATCH THE PICTURES AS THE MOVIE GOES BY!

…

Lame.

Galleries –
There are four photo galleries here: Illustrations & Props, Production Photographs & Portraits, Effects/ILM and finally Marketing. I think there are about 200 photos overall, possibly more. You’re going to find a lot of pics with Spielberg in trucker hats, Ford looking debonair, and a bunch of set illustrations and miniatures. I like the Struzan art myself so seeing it text free was pretty cool.

LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures Game Demo –
PC users can download the demo of the upcoming Indiana Jones video game. Haters thinking that LEGO and Indiana Jones would be anything less a perfect combination than my junk and Kristen Bell’s vagina obviously never played the brilliant LEGO Star Wars video games. If you had, you’d be singing a different fucking tune. I haven’t even played this demo and I’ve got this game pre-ordered for the Xbox 360.

Not bad extras for this “Special Edition” except that there aren’t any trailers, or anything really to do with Crusade exclusively, and none of the supplemental features from the fourth disc of the old box set. So… I guess it isn’t really that “special” either.

The Bottom Line
I love this movie, and while I thought the extras here were decent, this is a total cash-grab release. Once Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Diet Crystal Pepsi hits home video you can bet your ass that a new box set will be released, probably include the 4th film, and most likely there will be an HD release as well. Don’t be a sucker for this like you were with Cloverfield. A Blu-ray can’t be far behind, especially since Paramount has finally got around to releasing and announcing titles. My guess is that you’ll have this spinning in your PS3 by this Christmas, mantits.