 I’m a dork.
Just thought I’d get that out of the way in case there
was any discussion about the matter. Clear the air and all
that. Anyway, yes, I am indeed a dork, so if you plop a movie
down in front of me that involves burning witches, inevitably
I have to pause the film for a few seconds to get all the
Monty Python quotes out of my system. “She turned me
into a newt” and other such various dorktitutes. It
can’t be helped. Sorry. Once I finish smugly laughing
at myself, I can then start to enjoy said feature without
further interruptions. That is, unless the movie stars Barbara
Steele. Then I constantly need to pause it to allow myself
some time to proclaim “She’s so freakin’AWESOME”
or something
else equally insightful. Needless to say, Long Hair
Of Death, even with its 94-minute running time, took
the better part of a day to complete just because of all the
pausing I needed to do.
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Right after the credits finish, a title card informs me,
“This story takes place at the end of the 15th Century,”
and I was all the more thankful for it. Otherwise I sure would
have been wondering why the Lords and such just didn’t
call each other on their cell phones instead of sending messages
all the time. But I digress. So, at the end of the 15th Century
some poor gal gets accused being a witch. Since they didn’t
even attempt to perform the trusty ol’ duck-weighing
test (See? I still can’t stop) she gets the
crackle-crackle treatment, but not before she announces how
good and cursed they, in fact, were. Gee. It’s too bad
her older daughter figures out the real reason for her mother’s
burning involves the Lord himself, because she gets pitched
off a cliff for her troubles. Shame, that. Well, she’s
played by Babs, so I’m sure we’ll see more of
her later. The youngest daughter grows up as time presses
on and as fate would have it, she ends up marrying the Lord’s
schnook son who has more than his share of problems with the
gal’s family.
 Man.
If this were a proper gothic Italian horror film, you would
think someone would rise from the dead to start wreaking some
sort of revenge or something. Well… okay. You got me.
Barbara Steele does come back from the dead to wreak
some sort of revenge on those who done her and her family
wrong. But I had you going for a second, didn’t I?
Didn't I?
For a fairly unknown Barbara Steele movie, this ain’t
half bad. Of course, Barbara Steele is always riveting and
I’m pleased to say she is still. For some reason you
just can’t ever take your eyes off the gal. She commands
your attention. I don’t mean in that pants tingling
sort of way, either. Pretty lady, sure, but she always had
this, dare I say it, bewitching quality about her. Director
Antonio Margheriti sure took the right cues from the other
directors that made use of her visage. Dark, dramatic lighting
and Barbara Steele. Why change a good thing if it works?
 As
far as the movie is concerned, well, you’ve got your
dank castle, you’ve got your coming back from the dead
for revenge motif, you’ve got your bad English language
dubbing; but if you appreciate that sort of thing then there
is no need to complain. It’s entertaining enough. The
proper dots are connected when they need to be, and the whole
gothic mood thing really seems to work here, so that’s
a big plus for it. Not groundbreaking, but serviceable and
worthy of your time if in the mood for such a tale. Hell,
basically, the whole point of a movie like this is to watch
the poor bastard squirm as he starts to get all paranoid and
shit, and boy does this fella’ squirm. You just know
that dude is going to get his comeuppance eventually and I
don’t think I’m ruining anything here by saying
he does. He suuuuuuure does.
Don’t fuck with Barbara Steele.
How’s It Look,
Smartguy?
Well,
one of the advantages of releasing a fairly unknown title
starring an actress that appeals to a select and small percentage
of the DVD buying public is that the concept of owning the
movie as an official release can sometimes outweigh the disappointment
of an otherwise
crappy presentation. The menu screen alone looks like something
you might have seen on public access. Poor. Of course I’m
not down on this from the menu screen alone. The  video
presentation is also just downright awful. Everything is so
murky and lacking in definition it leads me to suspect it
was taken from a VHS master, for crying out loud. Seriously.
The source material has more dropouts than an inner city high
school.
How’s It Sound, Ya’
Bum?
Not as bad as the video, but not by
much, I’m afraid. Lots of hissing and muffled dialogue.
You Think I Just Wanted The
Movie, Pal?
Sorry, sport. That’s all you
get. Hey. At least it has chapter stops.
Bring Us On Home, Brother.
Even though the video is among the
worst I have ever experienced on “The DVD,” the
sheer entertainment value of the flick alone outweighs the
relative crappiness of the presentation. If you need to own
it, I’d say it’s strictly for diehard fans only,
but certainly worth a spin if not just to add another Barbara
Steele movie under your belt.
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