In case it slipped past you, you might want to give Paris
Je T’aime a try. Unless, of course,
you’re one of those people that has trouble comprehending
the rest of the world does make movies and that
they don’t make them in English. Yes,
you will have to read those words at the bottom of the
screen. Yes, they may fly by too fast for your feeble
brain to process them. Deal with it.
Paris Je T’aime consists of a
handful of segments that take place in various locales
of The City of Lights…
Montmartre: Bruno Podalydès directs and
stars as a real jerk of a Frenchman (read: a Frenchman)
who bitches about not being able to find a woman shortly
before one passes out as he passes by his tiny Euro automobile. A
man claiming to be a doctor walks by, says it’s a
case of low blood sugar and advises she eats some beets
(no wonder France has such kick-ass healthcare: in the
U.S. the guy would’ve made you wait an hour and then
misdiagnosed you…prescribing a half-dozen medications
and billing you a small fortune in the process!).
Quais de Seine: Ah, the Seine…where Terri Nunn walked
along at night with…well, whoever that other person may have
been. Gurinder Chadha brings us the story of a young white
lad (Cyril Descours) falls for a really hot Muslim babe (Leïla
Bekhti).
 Le Marais: Gus Van Sant brings us this talky
tale of two guys talking. An artist (Gaspard Ulliel)
tries to chat up an American apprentice (Elias McConnell)
in a print shop. Unfortunately, the apprentice hasn’t
a clue what the artist is saying due to the fact that Americans
are too lazy to learn foreign languages. Sorry, Gus,
but we’re still angry over Psycho
(1998).
Tuileries: The Coen Brothers direct a typically
bizarre Coen-like story where tourist Steve Buscemi learns
the hard way to not make eye contact on the subway. Julie
Bataille co-stars.
Loin du 16ème: A woman takes her infant
to a daycare so she can play nanny to another person’s
infant. It took two directors (Walter Salles and
Daniela Thomas) to come up with this.
 Porte de Choisy: Whoever told Christopher Doyle
he would be a good writer/director lied. Barbet Schroeder
and Li Xin attempt to flush their careers down the toilet
in a tale of…well...something. I
have no idea what the hell this segment is about other
than hairdressing (somebody must’ve been very generous
with the drugs though).
Bastille: Sergio Castellitto wants to leave
wife Miranda Richardson because she annoys him. However,
when she breaks the news that she’s dying, he decides
to take care of her and re-discovers the quirks that annoyed
him so much before have now become priceless. A fun
little gem from Isabel Coixet.
 Place des Victoires: Juliette Binoche has lost
her cowboy-adoring son. The vision of cowboy Willem
Dafoe gallops in to let her see her little boy one last
time so that she may learn to let go. Directed by
Nobuhiro Suwa.
Tour Eiffel: Quite possibly the creepiest vignette
ever produced. Warning: this segment contains mimes. Watch
at your own risk and lock the door afterward. Sylvain
Chomet directs.
Parc Monceau: Alfonso Cuarón brings us
(drum roll, please)…Nick Nolte! And
Ludivine Sagnier. Nick Nolte plays a chain-smoking
dad. His French sucks. He’s also starting
to sound like Tom Waits (sing Nighthawks at the Diner,
will ya?).
 Quartier des Enfants Rouges: Maggie Gyllenhaal
plays an actress (there’s a stretch) working in Paris
who needs a drug fix (there’s an even bigger stretch). Fortunately,
Paris caters to everyone in Olivier Assayas’ mediocre
yarn.
Place des Fêtes: The saddest one of the
bunch. Paramedic Aïssa Maïga tends to a
lovesick Seydou Boro in a well-done bit by Oliver Schmitz.
Pigalle: Richard LaGravenese directs Bob Hoskins
and Fanny Ardant as a married couple trying to rekindle
their romance after all these years.
 Quartier de la Madeleine: Vincenzo Natali brings
us an entertaining romance on the gothic side. Elijah
Wood encounters a beautiful vampire (Olga Kurylenko) and
falls for her…literally. Wes Craven plays
the vampire’s victim.
Père-Lachaise: Speaking of Wes Craven,
here’s his take: Emily Mortimer is bored with her
less-than-thrilling, far-too-serious husband-to-be, Rufus
Sewell. It takes a mild concussion in order for Rufus
to learn the fine art of fine wit from none other than
Oscar Wilde himself (Alexander Payne).
Faubourg Saint-Denis: If the techno-like rhythm
of this clip reminds you of Run, Lola, Run,
it’s because they’re both from director Tom
Tykwer. Don’t worry, Tykwer redeems himself
for The Princess and the Warrior with
this one. Natalie Portman and Melchoir Beslon shine.
 Quartier Latin: An extremely intoxicated Ben
Gazzara and an equally-sauced Gena Rowlands reminisce about
their married days in Gerard Depardieu’s contribution
to the film (Depardieu also plays a café owner).
14ème Arrondissement: The final offering,
from Alexander Payne, features character actress Margo
Martindale as a middle-aged, less-than-average-looking
American tourist who discovers a different kind of love
while simultaneously assassinating the French language.
 Presentation
Considering I was given a barebones screener to review
(which intermittently jumps from color to B&W with
large captions reading “For Screening Purposes Only:
Not For Rental or Sale”), I’m afraid I cannot
comment on the audio/visual quality of this DVD release.
I would like to point out that I was originally supposed
to interview Wes Craven, Gus Van Sant and Emily Mortimer. To
the best of my knowledge, the folks at First Look Pictures
never arranged anything like I was lead to believe. Thank
you, First Look Pictures: I shan’t be reviewing any
future releases from you (at least in a positive light). I
hope that your so-called company files for Chapter 11. And
with some of the titles you’ve been releasing lately
(Broken, The Breed),
there’s a good chance I may get my wish. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! I’m evil!!!
Extras
Again, screener copy. I have no clue what’s on the
official release and I’m too lazy to find out.
The Bottom Line
The perfect companion piece to Frantic, Charlie
Chan in Paris or The Clones of Bruce Lee.
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| Paris Je T’aime |
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| Feature -A
good way to waste two hours. |
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| Audio
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