There is nothing more infuriating than a film (or anything for that matter) that is satisfied with what it’s doing. Satisfaction quite often leads to stagnancy, laziness, the inability to better oneself, and worst of all, smugness. I submit to you, my imaginary audience, Razor Blade Smile, a film so drunk on its limited accomplishments, that it grabs you by the throat and screams into your ear just how hip it is.

The premise alone is enough to make you cringe in your seat and dream of a time when post-modernism didn’t exist: Lilith is a vampire who grows bored with her immortal status, and decides to become a hit woman to pass the time. While not knocking off members of a secret Masonic/Capitalist cult, she’s spending her time down at the local Vampiric fetish bar and chatting up the normals about the true existence of vampires, and what they would do in modern society, all the while listening to “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus— HEY! Where are you going? Stop running away from me! It’s not my fault! I didn’t write it!

When a hit goes particularly bad for Lilith, she runs into the arms of her boss who sets up her hits from the orders of the secretive super villain. To the surprise of a few five-year-old children and maybe a dog, the villain kidnaps Lilith’s lover/boss when he finds out her previous hit ran into a few complications. Where does it go from there? Of course… a lesbian scene where Lilith ends up getting it on, and then kills her best friend, who happens to be having a visit from ole Aunt Flo. After the softcore shenanigans, it’s a race against time (there’s a phrase I’ve been wanting to use), as Lilith has to track down her boyfriend, while simultaneously dodging an obsessive cop who’s ready with a few stakes and crosses of his own.

Sure, busty vampire women kicking ass in rubber bodysuits is a fine and dandy idea that I wouldn’t mind seeing explored in a movie, but Razor Blade Smile is definitely not that movie. This is a film that’s so smug and happy for itself that you can almost feel the pats on the back the filmmakers must have been giving themselves after every take.

A decent amount of the fault can be placed on the story. A mishmash of Tarantino-inspired dialogue that’s supposed to expose the more trivial side of vampire life comes off as a wink and a nod to the audience. If a first rule of camp exists, it would probably be that the filmmakers cannot be aware of what they’re doing is camp; it has to evolve naturally. What’s worse than the filmmakers’ self-aggrandizement is that it’s easily matched by their willingness to pander to their audience. These guys are always at the ready to flash a little skin, have a few girls kiss for the camera, whatever it takes for you to get to like them.

That’s not to say that there isn’t any talent behind the camera. Director Jake West shows a stylistic maturity that at the very least rivals, if not excels that of an episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. However, main actress Eileen Daly manages to stink up the film even further with her wooden delivery and her self-aware performance. If you want an actress who can deliver the line “Too Iron-y” (a description of the blood from one of her victims) as “To Irony!” as if it were a celebratory toast, here’s your woman. Any of the other actors are pretty much comparable to background noise and aren’t worth going into.

Maybe watching the genuinely surprising Street Trash has spoiled me with its ability to transcend its genre. Razor Blade Smile simply comes off as insincere.

Please make note that the IMDB lists the full cut of the film as being 101 minutes long. The DVD clocks in at 97:57. I’m unsure if this is a PAL issue, or if the film is cut, plus there is absolutely no mention of a rating on the box.

Video
Note that the back-cover information of the film being a full screen transfer is incorrect; the film is actually presented in a dull, murky, grainy 1.85:1 non-anamorphic Widescreen transfer. Colors seem to come across fairly well, but with its neon flourishes, who wants that? There is a slight amount of ghosting throughout the movie, but for most of the film, it’s not overly distracting.

Audio
Presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 (2.0 Surround also available), at least the audio quality comes off rather well. A nice, active and very loud presentation will at least keep your attention with the film won’t. Full of gunfights and a pulsing, generic soundtrack that fits the film nicely. “Generic” is the key word here, folks.

Extras
The Slices of Life documentary is an examination of the director’s journey from his film school days (specifically Club Death) to more present times. If there’s one thing that this documentary teaches us, it’s that Jake West probably has an unhealthy obsession with vampires. Once the documentary gets through all the back story, we’re treated to an hour worth of extensive information about Razor Blade Smile that covers nearly everything, from how the special effects were achieved (A £ 500 budget on the effects apparently goes quite a long way), to reflections from the cast and crew. A nice little documentary if you’re into the movie.

The Audio Commentary featuring director Jake West and actress Eileen Daly is a fairly entertaining track, thankfully not repeating too much from the documentary. Though it is kind of amusing when they call out the movie Underworld for being derivative.

Deleted/Extended/Alternative Scenes/Moments is a fairly excessive title for a collection of mostly silent montage clips and blue screen material. Though if you were a fan of the lesbian scene, you’ll enjoy the replay featuring a new musical score.

The Outtakes section is a general collection of flubbed lines. Does anyone find actors shouting the word “fuck” funny anymore?

The Theatrical Trailer shows off the UK (what else?) theatrical trailer that flashes the phrase “Are you sick of predictable Hollywood films? Good. So are we” onscreen. Let’s not dwell on the suggestion that throwing a bunch of slapdash ideas into a movie at random does not equal creative, or innovative.

The CG Test Shots feature is just the theatrical trailer, but with a few rather bland looking CG shots included. Thankfully these were removed from the final product.

To round out the disc, a selection of trailers from Manga Entertainment and Anchor Bay Entertainment should probably be of interest. Manga shows off their more flashy titles (Blood: The Last Vampire, Dead Leaves, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Ninja Scroll and Perfect Blue), while Anchor Bay provides a few vampire-themed trailers (Lust for a Vampire, Near Dark and Vamp). Quite frankly, I think I’d rather watch the trailer for Near Dark over and over again instead of watching the feature.

Overall
Razor Blade Smile is akin to the retarded child in the school cafeteria who sticks french fries in his nostrils and pretends to be a walrus: he’s begging you to love him, but it’s not working. However, there is a difference. This is a movie, not a retarded child; and a movie can't have an alcoholic father that beats and fucks his child whenever it’s being bad.