In horror film history, bad shit happens to stupid people. It’s really quite true. Most of the time the smarter people tend to survive the zombies, psycho killers, monsters or whatever situation they inadvertently (almost always inadvertently) managed to get themselves involved in. They are the heroes. They are icons. They are the Bruce Campbells, the Jamie Lee Curtises, the Heather Langenkamps and the Corey Feldmans…

…Nevermind…

My point is that the cleverer you are, the more likely you are to win out in the end. That being said, the heroes of Satan’s Blood are pretty fucking stupid. They follow people they don’t know, they play with Ouija boards, procreate with Satan, let their dog run free in a foreign area and - get this - they leave their goddamned keys in their car. The instruments of their ultimate discord are the tasty ingredients to the viewers’ amusement. Somewhere along the line I think the screenwriters said to themselves “Hell, if the film doesn’t even make any sense, why should the characters?”

Andres and Ana go see Star Wars (That’s “Episode IV” for the fan boys reading this) and leave the theatre completely stunned. Stunned so much that during their drive home they fail to notice that they are being paralleled by another couple who seems really happy to see them. This couple, Bruno and Berta, flag our heroes down and Bruno goes to much detail explaining how he and Andres were schoolmates in college. Andres is suspect, yet compelled. He knows right off the start that something is amiss. Bruno namedrops a teacher, who was actually the dean. Yet the couple decides to follow Bruno and Berta back to their country house. Blackie, their dog, isthe only one that notices something odd is going on. When they get to the house the score goes all moody, and Blackie protests by barking with alertness that even Rin Tin Tin would admire. Sadly it goes unnoticed, because soon Ana and Andres are inside perusing through the various occult artifacts on display in the home.

The real fun begins after the guests cut loose with a little of the old vino. Soon, fucking with an Ouija board seems like a good idea. Satan, (presuming that it is the Satan that they are channeling) likes to say some pretty wonky things. Such as, “Hey Ana, remember when you had a toss with Andres’ brother Juan!” and “Bruno, remember that time when you tried to kill yourself? That was great!” One wonders why Satan would want to keep bringing up old shit but I guess the Prince of Darkness is a bit of a dick like that.

Now, the film may sound absurd up to this point, and it is, but this is pretty much the end of the line for any logical linear storytelling. Everything after this point makes little sense, makes no sense, could or could not really be happening, or is just pure insanity.

Everyone goes to sleep, but Ana wakes up and goes downstairs where she narrowly escapes an attack from an unidentified rapist. Then she runs back upstairs to Andres. Andres decides that it would be a good time to leave (he decides this many more times, but rarely attempts it) so they get dressed and go downstairs. Once there, they see Bruno and Berta chanting naked and decide to join them for one big happy orgy. I imagine that Bruno and Andres were just trying to get back in touch with their frolicking fraternity parties. This makes up the bulk of the sex and nudity in the film, it runs for a good fifteen or so minutes, too.

Confused? It gets worse. Ana and Andres wake up in their beds, hours later, and the orgy of dubious intent is never so much as mentioned again! Did it really happen? Where’s Blackie? What happened to the rapist? Who the hell was he? Why is Andres’ personal address written on the back of a college photograph he doesn’t remember being taken? Was Juan a good roll in the hay? Why does the creepy doll keep attacking everyone? Will anyone stay in the cinema now that the sex scene is done? By and large these questions will remain unanswered and rarely do the characters even ponder them.

It’s pretty obvious that Satan’s Blood isn’t a movie for everyone. Its plot goes everywhere and nowhere. Its acting is questionable. Its motives are unclear. It’s obvious that the Spanish crew here watched a lot of Italian horror cinema. With that inspiration, and with the recent newfound freedoms that Spain gained in the late 1970s, they are just pleased as punch to throw blood, tits and sacrilegious intent on the silver screen – if only because they can. Regardless of all this, it does capture mood like few other exploitation films I have seen. There is a distinct Hammer feel to the mansion which helped add to the claustrophobia of the film. Also like theHammer Studios films, it is beautifully shot from interesting camera angles. The lighting is magnificent in many scenes and the special effects (including gore) are quite good.

Because of this, I was able to forgive the film for its irrational plot and concentrate more on its technical merits. The atmosphere is incredibly thick, the set design is beautiful and the score is magnificent. In my background, only Dario Argento’s Suspiria comes as close as Satan’s Blood does to becoming the ultimate art house horror film. In fact, I would recommend this film to anyone who likes Suspiria, but if you don’t you might as well stay away.

Presentation
I was completely surprised by the strong video presentation! Considering the relative obscurity of a title like this, which has never been released on DVD before, let alone uncut, Mondo Macabro has done a fantastic job with the presentation. With the exception of a few minor film artifacts (not compression) I am pleased to say that the video transfer looks astounding. The audio is quite clear as well. For the purpose of the review I watched the film in the original Spanish language with English subtitles. Every word of dialog and every note in the moody score come across crystal clear and beautiful. Excellent job, guys!

And The Extras Are?
Alternate Opening – (2:14)
In order to give the film significance and credibility, this tacked on opening was created. It is very self-important as the text tells you on the selection screen and basically is a lecture to explain how and why the Devil exists and why this should be accepted in the old black-and-white existence principle. It is extremely amusing in how it tries to be convincing. I would recommend watching it as an intro piece for the film and the DVD gives you this option.

Stills Galleries - Four comprehensive still galleries, including separate galleries for both color and black and white stills, one for “on-set” stills, and one of publicity materials including the VHS packaging art from around the world. With over 50 stills, this was larger and more interesting than I expected.

The Devil’s Disciples: Gavin Braddeley on 20th Century Satanism– (24:04)
This is the steak of all the bonus features, and it is also incredibly awesome. Gavin Braddeley, ordained Reverend in The Church of Satan and writer of such books as Lucifer Rising and Goth Chic, provides a brief history of Satanism and its origins. Gavin is completely frank about Satanism and its extension from the Catholic Church, logic and literature such as Milton’s Paradise Lost. He goes into great detail the significance that Satanism has had on pop culture, particularly rock music and film. His insight is presented very conversationally with great pacing and he is constantly amusing and he obviously has a great bit of knowledge on the subject. Well worth watching.

More from Mondo Macabro – (5:07) One massive trailer for Mondo Macabro’s other releases (I counted at least 22). Never before have I uttered the words “I have got to see that!” so often in so little time.

Fine
If you are the type to click on a link to a DVD review of a film called Satan’s Blood, more than likely you are the type that would watch this kind of movie. Purchasing this disc will get you a very surreal and stylish film with lots of gore and sex. You will also get a very well put together disc with an awesome documentary. If that is the sort of thing that appeals to you, you should get this right away - you will not be disappointed.

NOTO FUN FACT!
Satan’s Blood is the 4th piece done here at that starts with the possessive (Ha! Possessive…Satan… Get it? ... Shut up; I think it’s funny) proper noun “Satan’s” in less than a year. The others are Satan’s School For Lust, Satan’s Playground and Satan’s Black Wedding. Is this a strange coincidence or something more sinister? It’s probably nothing, but I wouldn’t get on our bad side – just in case.