Student Bodies is now on DVD – I REPEAT, STUDENT BODIES IS ON DVD.
Probably my #2 DVD dream release right after the thankfully released The Dark Backward is Student Bodies – a staple of late-night television, it’s hard to imagine that, right now, I can enjoy the original, uncut, R-Rated version of the film without interruption every fifteen minutes by a depressed Gilbert Gottfried. Lucky for me, Legend Films has bought up a selection of Paramount Film’s “lesser” titles (including the illusive Jeckyl & Hyde… Together Again and Saul Bass’ ant-filled Phase IV) and are now releasing – nay, unleashing – them unto a cold and undeserving world. And this time, I didn’t even have to get hit by a car to obtain a copy.
While sporting a new tagline pointing out it’s pre-dating of Scream, Student Bodies is more akin to the throw-something-at-the-wall aesthetic of such films as Airplane!, Top Secret!, and other Zucker Brothers films ending with exclamation points. Although less accomplished, Student Bodies manages to succeed in just how wigged out the entire film is; this is stoner humor – no, I don’t mean scene after scene of high schoolers getting the munchies after a few bong hits, this is a film wherein the crazed wood shop teacher creates nothing but horse head bookends and the guidance counselor re-arranges his pen collection to confuse and anger both his mentally unstable patients and the mentally unstable viewers of the film.
 While a plot synopsis really doesn’t matter for a spoof film, here’s one for Student Bodies: there’s a mad killer on the loose known as The Breather (Richard Belzer!) killing off nubile, sexually active school kids using things like paperclips, eggplants, horse head bookends and especially three-ply plastic bags for the male victims. The only person trying to get to the bottom of this is the virginal Toby, a young lass with dark areolas who just so happens to end up at the scene of the crime every time, which is why I talk in rhyme.
E-I-E-I-O.
Student after student is dispatched in equally ridiculous detail, Toby is driven to the brink of madness as everyone suspects her the killer while the real killer taunts everyone via phone calls and rubber chickens. And when you think you can’t take any more, a businessman lobs an F-Bomb specifically to secure an R-Rating from the MPA (funny enough, its non-sexual use would land the film in PG-13 territory today).
 While I don’t want to do a laundry list of gags, let’s concentrate on the especially good aspects of the film, namely the dreamlike, surreal quality of the film. With an especially shameless (though accurate) it’s-all-a-dream conceit, Student Bodies is allowed to go even farther than what you would expect from a spoof film. It doesn’t break the fourth wall, it destroys it with a bazooka – this is a movie where it’s okay that the killer stops the film in order to give a run-down of the suspects, complete with vaudeville jokes and rim shots. And let’s not forget the infamous ending, playing out like some Buñuel film wherein reality collapses and all that’s left is dream logic, transsexuals and horse head bookends.
I’m forgetting Malvert, played by a comedian only known as “The Stick,” who is roughly seven feet tall, 73 pounds and double-joined all over. These elements are so out-of-left-field, they become infinitely more terrifying than anything you’d see in an actual horror movie.
If I ever meet Richard Belzer, remind me to ask him to say “I love girl sweat,” by the way.
 Presentation
Any complaints to be had regarding the transfer – and there are a few – are rendered nil by the sheer fact that this movie now exists on DVD. So what if it contains a bit of ghosting and the blacks don’t seem all that accurate? You are getting for the first time ever an honest-to-goodness anamorphic transfer of Student fucking Bodies on home video. You should be so happy that the detail of the picture is surprisingly deep, the colors, though washed out a bit don’t feel overly manipulated or boosted, and the print is (mostly) free of dirt and scratches. The audio is equally rough in patches, but that feels more like a problem with the original production, as it’s clear there’s a lot of ADR work going on. By default I am 100% satisfied with the presentation due to the fact that it actually exists.
Extras
Every morsel counts with a film like this, so I count my blessings that there’s even a theatrical trailer included in the film – and what a distinct trailer it is, featuring one gimmick I sincerely miss from theatrical trailers: characters from the film speaking to the audience. Alfred Hitchcock pioneered this technique and, although Mickey Rose  doesn’t appear in this one, we at least have The Breather in all his one-balled Vincent Price-y glory begging us for the love of Christ to go see this movie.
Unfortunately spoof films tend to always end up with a mountain of footage removed from the final product, and Student Bodies doesn’t seem to be any different; characters disappear (sometimes completely), loose ends show up and continuity errors too big even for a spoof film come and go suggesting a bigger picture but, until the Blu-Ray disc shows up in 2021, we’re going to have to settle for this. And, by default, I am okay with that.
The Bottom Line
A weight is lifted from my soul as Student Bodies finally makes its way to DVD, and despite the presentation and lack of extras, I feel like a kid on Christmas. It might not be for you as it doesn’t contain witty one-liners or blink-and-you-miss-it sight gags, but it’s sheer weirdness allows the film to get away with murder. Plus it’s better than Repossessed. Put that on the box, Legend Films, I dare you.
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