As a change of pace, I’ve decided to structure my review of The Tooth Fairy a bit more “outside the box” as they like to say in overpriced seminars. Since interpretive dance is out of the question, as I don’t have a webcam and this site doesn’t have an age restriction to protect younger eyes, I’ve decided to write a synopsis of my experience as a short three act play.

I like to call it, “The Death of Innocence,” only because “Raped in the Ass by Anchor Bay Entertainment and Stephen J. Cannell” is too long of a title to fit on an off-Broadway marquee. I hope you enjoy it.

Act One: Seduction and First Violation

Scene: Cary’s living room as he opens a padded envelope to find The Tooth Fairy DVD inside.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (to Cary): Check me out! I am one scary motherfucking DVD!

Cary: You don’t look scary. You look kind of weak.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: Weak? Shee-it, what are you talking about, brother? BOO!

Cary (sarcastically): What the fuck was that?

The Tooth Fairy DVD: Just showing off my chops, homeslice. I’m one bad ass flick with a capital BAD ASS!

Cary (unsure): Well your packaging does look reasonably dark and shadowy… but you’re a Stephen J. Cannell production. How do I know you’re not just a musical about cops or something?

The Tooth Fairy DVD: Trust me, man, Cannell had mad hits back in the day. Look, I’m scary… seriously… just watch me.

Cary (beginning to close the DVD case): I still say you sound kind of weak.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: How can you say that when I’m about an evil witch, risen from the dead to collect children’s teeth and then kill them, thus imprisoning their souls in limbo forever?

Cary (laughing): That’s your fucking plot? That sounds ridiculous.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (frantic): No! No! Stop… That’s my trick, you see? That’s how I lure you in! I look all mild and generic, but you have to trust me. Just watch and you’ll see. The witch kills all who stand in her way. I’m really, really scary.

Cary (apprehensively pulling the disc out of the case): Okay… but you’d better be telling the truth.

Scene changes: One hour and twenty-nine minutes later.

Cary (to The Tooth Fairy DVD): You fucking liar!

The Tooth Fairy DVD (wiping itself off): Gotcha!

Act Two: Gang Fucked By Screen Caps

Scene: Cary sits down at his laptop. Next to it on the table is the closed case of The Tooth Fairy DVD. He opens it, pulls out the disc and puts it in the DVD-ROM drive.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (to Cary): I knew you’d be back. You liked it, didn’t you, you little slut?

Cary (angrily): No! You sucked complete and total ass! I’ve seen scarier things in My Little Pony toy advertisements.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (hurt): Awww, now that’s not fair! I’m not that bad. Remember the wood chipper scene? That was a good one, wasn’t it?

Cary: Okay, yes the wood chipper scene was a good one, but it came so fucking long into the film I was half asleep when it happened.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (excited): See! That was me luring you into a false sense of security, then WHAM! I get you with the wood chipper scene. Blood everywhere, fingers clenching the side of the intake. Admit it. You loved that scene.

Cary: Well… it was a well-filmed scene. In fact, it was arguably better than the one in Fargo. Still, though, that is a small glimmer of “good” in an otherwise steaming pile of “bad.” The acting in this thing is straight out of Seventh Heaven and you took FOREVER to get to the action.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: But what about the fact that I had ghosts? And inbred hicks terrorizing people, too?

Cary (exasperated): Weak, weak, weak. Your ghosts only looked like ghosts because they wore old clothes. You even had a weak-ass sound effect to mark their arrival. Christ above, I hated you!

The Tooth Fairy DVD (hurt again): C’mon man… that’s harsh. What about the actors? Huh? Look, I may not have had serious star power, but I didn’t have slouches either. Lochlyn Monro from Freddy Vs. Jason? Chandra West from White Noise? They’re better than some no names, right?

Cary: You’re not selling me with that one. Seriously, if you hadn’t thrown out the movie titles, I never would have known I’d seen those people before.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: What about P.J. Soles from The Devil’s Rejects? You liked The Devil’s Rejects.

Cary (angrily): Don’t even fucking GO there! In this film she was the worst of the bunch. I haven’t seen acting that wooden since Team America: World Police!

The Tooth Fairy DVD (in sing/song voice): I have a castration scene.

Cary (absolutely fuming): A MOSTLY BLOODLESS CASTRATION SCENE!!!! What the fuck is that??? And you lost whatever horror element you were trying to establish by inserting humor into it.

The Tooth Fairy DVD smiles up with a lustful grin and begins rubbing itself.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (purring): You still have to watch the extras.

Cary: Goddamn it!!

Presentation and Extras
Act Three: Retribution

Scene: Cary sits in front of his laptop preparing to write the review for The Tooth Fairy DVD. The disc and case sit next to his computer. He is reading the technical information off the back when he hears a small creaking sound and the case slowly starts to open.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: You’re not going to be unduly harsh on me are you? I mean, admit it. You like me a little.

Cary (seething): I fucking hate you. The only way I could hate you more would be if you killed my firstborn.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (hurt): But that’s not fair. My presentation was good. I was shot well and my colors are rich with the beauty of the Vancouver wilderness.

Cary: True, but you still suck.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (sensing an opening): But what about my audio? I have Dolby Surround 5.1. That’s something, isn’t it?

Cary: It would be something if you used it properly. It does nothing to change the fact that you suck as a film.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: What about my extras? I have extras.

Cary: More shit is still just shit. It’s a scientific fact.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: You don’t mean that. Didn’t you enjoy Hatchet Job: The Making of the Tooth Fairy?

Cary: Actually, no. It was Cannell and Bowman blowing smoke up each other’s asses and even the actors didn’t seem to really believe that this was going to be scary. The one that was the most impressed with the gore was that nine-year-old girl who is one of the stars. I wanted to kill her myself.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: You are a mean, mean person. How can you say you did not enjoy my trailer?

Cary: The best thing about it is that it’s short.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: So you really didn’t like me? I find that difficult to believe. Maybe you should take one more look.

Cary: No fucking way.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (rubbing itself again): Ah… but you are a professional and you have a job to do. I know you have not watched the Audio Commentary with Director Chuck Bowman, Producer Stephen J. Cannell and Star Jesse Hutch. Spread wide again, my friend for I must satisfy my lust.

Cary (rising from his chair and frantically running for the kitchen): Not this time!

The Tooth Fairy DVD pops out of the case, spins up onto its edge and rolls to the side of the table, leaping to the floor.

The Tooth Fairy DVD: You must watch again! They will fire you if you don’t!

Rounding the bar, Cary lunges for the matchless grill lighter laying on the counter. He gropes at one of the kitchen cabinet doors but it won’t open. The baby lock is on it.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (rounding the bar): Ahhh… there you are my sweet. You cannot hide from me.

Cary finally gets his hand inside the door and grabs a can of Hot Shot insect repellant. He clicks the flame on the lighter and holds the can upright.

Cary: Back off, fucker!

The Tooth Fairy DVD: You wouldn’t dare. The DIMP staff would have your ass if you returned me in anything but pristine condition.

Cary (smiling maniacally): Fuck. You.

Cary ignites the spray sending a stream of flame toward the The Tooth Fairy DVD. It falls back flat to the floor and begins burning down into a molten lump.

The Tooth Fairy DVD (voice fading): You haven’t seen the last of me. I will leave an oily stain on your kitchen floor that you will still have to explain to your wife…

Cary (grinning down at the bubbling ooze): She hated you, too.

The Bottom Line
Scene: Outside the Christopher residence Cary and his wife are mounting a decorative flag pole to the front porch. His neighbor comes out to see what they’re doing.

Neighbor: What’s that you’re hanging? Going to put up a Labor Day flag like ours?

Cary: Not exactly.

He places the flagpole into the mount, and dangling from the end is a small lump of plastic, blackened and twisted.

Neighbor (concerned): What exactly is that?

Cary: It’s a warning. Consider it a symbolic head on a spike.

Neighbor (backing toward his door nervously): Maybe I’ll just catch up with you another time.