I think Milla Jovovich truly loves me at this point.

Seriously … Follow along with me for a moment.

Ultraviolet is the story of a woman who used to be human, but is now kinda-sorta vampirish. She wasn’t bitten by some Goth rocker or Blade or anything, she just got a virus. Not the same virus from the Resident Evil films, or like the Outbreak monkey. No, this one gives you Hemophagia. Which means… well, you don’t exactly need fresh blood, you just… I don’t really know. Apparently you grow fangs and get sick. What I do know is that the other side effect of this virus enables you to kick all sorts of ass, all the while looking really fucking cool while doing it. You are also able to drive motorcycles REALLY goddamn fast, and up walls, and all sorts of other shit. Apparently, you can bend gravity to your will, and change your hair color to match your outfit. So yeah… all the benefits that one would expect with being a vampire. You get nauseous often, though, which kind of sucks. Though, I’m pretty sure if Pepto Bismol is still available in the future you can solve this with little effort. Shit, you can even go out in daylight and stuff, which really ends the whole disadvantage of being inhuman to begin with.

Did that all make sense to you?

Didn’t think so.

So now, Ultraviolet is, from what I could tell, a terrorist, but a good terrorist, one that goes after the government, which is a bad government who killed her baby. So… yeah. Apparently the lead villain, who is, I think, the President, maybe, I guess, controls the FDA of the future, and as a result has everyone convinced that they need to drink only factory sealed coffee. What an asshole! Oh, and he also wants all the Hemophages dead, because they have more fun and get invited to more parties than he does. He also has plans for global domination. Not in the Microsoft way, but in the Hitler-esque way. He clones himself and this clone holds the power to destroy humankind or prevent it from being destroyed – one of them, or both, or something like a mix, or both, or whatever - only he knows nothing of his situation or importance, or even if what he is being told is truth. Milla finds this out, but goes into maternal mode because she doesn’t want the government killing another kid.

(Editor's Note: Fucking shoot me. Shoot me NOW)

All throughout this nonsense what else is going on? Milla is kicking ass with extreme ferocity. She kicks it good, too. First she kicks a bunch of guys' asses. Then she kicks ANOTHER group of guys' asses. Then she makes a bunch of guys kick their OWN asses. Then she hands out platters of guys' asses right back to them. Then she uses UZI-SWORDS which are the most awesome thing ever. It’s an UZI WITH A SWORD that hangs out of the cartridge. So sleek. So awesome. I want one. Then there is a flaming sword battle which is also beyond crazy.

Does this all make sense to you?

Didn’t think so.

What we have here is a film that is mind-boggling. Not mind-bogglingly bad, or mind-bogglingly good, just purely mind-boggling.

(Editor's Note: Why have I not yet been shot? THAT is mind-boggling)

Back to my initial statement. Why would I think that Milla is in love with me? It’s simple, really. If there are five other people in this world that like this movie, I would be shocked. This movie was like the movie I would make if I could make a movie and show it to no one else but myself, and only myself. It is pure me, and Milla and Kurt Wimmer must have known that and decided I needed an early birthday present and wanted to give it to me so I could love it and hold it and cherish it. You see, the plot is laughable, craptastic, and non-existent. Most people will complain that there isn’t enough going in the way of the plot; I would argue that there is too much plot. Why should I care about the plot? Why should I care about the characters? Why should I care about the fate of the Ultraviolet universe?

I don’t.

I just want UZI-SWORDS. I want Milla wielding them, and I want an army of faceless drones to be slaughtered by her and her purple hair. I want to see a future with an awesome candy-colored landscape with highly reflective walking surfaces. I want to see one incredibly hot woman walking down these surfaces, talking shit, and never getting in any real danger because the antagonists are stupid, laughable, and easily dispatched.

Ultraviolet is like the video game Doom on God mode. It isn’t something you go to when you want a challenge. It is something you go to when you want pure bad-assery.

I’ve already seen Ultraviolet twice in theatres and I will probably see it again. It isn’t a movie I would recommend, but I certainly rate it highly. In fact, this movie was so sexy that seeing another so soon would be like cheating. Because Ultraviolet is totally my girlfriend now. I'm dating it.

Ultraviolet = Awesome and I am perfectly happy being the only person in the world that thinks so.

Milla, thank you. Thank you so much.

Love,
Shawn

For more on the resident DIMP Goddess, take a look at the Works Of Milla Jovovich. Because DIMP thinks she kicks ASS.