Heathers
by John Felix

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off has a reputation as one of the best comedies of the 1980s and one of the best high school movies ever made. It’s a well-earned reputation, for sure, but I think it’s much more than that. I truly and honestly believe that Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is one of the greatest movies ever made. Ever. Yes, that is high praise, but I feel it’s warranted. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is pitch perfect in every way.

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Hostel Part II - Unrated Director’s Cut
by John Felix

If there’s one really nice thing to say about Eli Roth as a human being, it’s that he at the very least seems honest about what he’s trying to accomplish with his films. His genuine love of the genre, while not always giving way to fantastic films, gives him good marks in my book when it comes to him as a person. But enthusiasm doesn’t automatically mean a good product. I was enthusiastic every time the science fair rolled around in grade school, and all I have is a box of green participation ribbons. God damn, I hate those fucking ribbons.

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Hudson Hawk: Special Edition
by John Felix

Ladies and gentlemen, I fucking hate DVD reviews. 

No, after nigh three years of doing the things myself for this website I love, the process of writing these things continues to be extremely satisfying, it's the format itself that bugs me. From serious review sites to me sitting here striving to be entertaining in an un-self-conscious, non-smug way, every review you've probably seen has basically read the same. So, in the interests of innovation, and due to the self-indulgence of my subject for this review, the glorious Hudson Hawk, I present this equally self-indulgent review in real-time, after downing a handful of sleeping pills chased with cough medicine. Hopefully this will give a small look into my process of writing while simultaneously allowing me to get away with turning in a first draft under the guise of format experimentation. Hopefully my next review will be presented in collage format, but that's in the future.

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Ice Spiders
by John Felix

The Sci-Fi Channel’s film division has certainly carved itself out a niche, hasn’t it? You can feel a certain thread that ties together films such as Boa vs. Python, Supergator, The Man With the Screaming Brain, Mansquito, and so on and so on. Though the same companies might not produce them, every single one of them screams of one thing, and that is unabashed hucksterism.

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Inked: The Best Of Season 1
by John Felix

When I got Inked: The Best of Season 1 in my hands I kind of frowned. A reality show. I probably hadn’t seen a reality show since The Real World premiered. I figured a good 10-year period of intentional ignorance would be enough time for the whole “reality television” concept to mature into compelling viewing, plus I figured I have tattoo artist friends. I have friends covered in tattoos. I even want a few tattoos, though I’m a bit queasy on the pain factor, figuring if I spend minutes on end screaming profanities after stubbing my toe, I probably couldn’t handle a needle. Yes, I seemed to fit Inked’s target demographic – an idea that distressed me to no end.

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Jurassic Park Adventure Pack
by John Felix

Steven Spielberg. Creator of the modern day blockbuster. Well regarded as a master of cinema in both light fare and serious topics. Cynical Oscar-hound that has to make a serious film every five years to make up for his previous, goofy action flicks? Possibly. A pretty good director with daddy issues? Most definitely. But this review isn’t to discuss my own personal conflicting feelings for Spielberg’s output (which can be described as a love/hate/love/hate/love/love/hate relationship), we’re here to discuss the Jurassic Park films, all which have been released in a handy box set.

Because the world needed one more Jurassic Park release – at least, until the HD-DVD and Blu-Ray discs come out.

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King Kong (2005) - (2-Disc Widescreen Special Edition)
by John Felix

I originally heard of Peter Jackson’s upcoming adaptation of King Kong shortly after the release of The Frighteners. Jackson’s plans to bring back the beast to the big screen were well known amongst the pasty, annoying Fangoria-subscribing types (of which I was a member) and, if the rumors were correct, in full, stop motion-animated glory.

For those keeping track, this was in 1996.

It took awhile.

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King Kong (2005) - Deluxe Extended Edition
by John Felix

Woe to those who didn't expect an extended edition of Peter Jackson's King Kong to be released months after its original DVD release. Woe to those who had purchased the original DVD who are now faced with the choice of yet another edition of the film to choose from. And worst of all, woe to those who knew an extended version was coming, picked up the original release anyway and are now willfully shilling out an extra $25 for yet another God damned version of King Kong.

Guess which category I'm in.

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The Kids In The Hall- The Best Of... Volume 1
by John Felix

It's quite hard for me to write an objective review of The Best Of The Kids In The Hall, Vol. 1. As a child I watched the series in its initial run with fierce dedication. The Kids In The Hall molded and shaped my own sense of humor, and I still feel its influence today. As a matter of fact, when the opportunity to interview Dave Foley arose, I couldn't bring myself to volunteer in fear that it would turn into a sad ten minute worshipping session.

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Let Me Die A Woman
by John Felix

Let Me Die A Woman is exploitation guru Doris Wishman’s pseudo-documentary on Transgenderism, yet despite its “serious” subject matter, Woman still finds itself laden with the trappings of the traditional nudie pictures of the day: the cold explanations that give the film its “educational” value (something that was required so the film wouldn’t be deemed pornographic), the inconsistent dubbing, the badly-framed shots, and the fairly useless sex scenes. However, there was one important detail changed in the equation for this film.

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The Losers
by John Felix

I know very little about war. Born by the time the Cold War was getting a bit tepid, too young to understand the intricacies of the Gulf War and too flatfooted/morally bankrupt/sexually ambiguous to participate in the current war, the only real way to experience the excitement of decapitating the enemy is to turn on my television, throw in a DVD, and watch a movie.

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Lost In La Mancha
by John Felix

There have been a few stunning examples of cinema screw-ups that made me realize that it was probably a very good thing that I never even bothered to actually make my own films. The first example would definitely be Uwe Boll’s illustrious career. How the man can maintain such enthusiasm for films like his is far beyond me. If I were to make a film with as much love as Uwe Boll and get the same results, I would have put the gun in my mouth after the first one. And Uwe has directed eleven.

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The Machinist
by John Felix

What the hell is wrong with Christian Bale? Let’s take a limited look at his filmography for a second (in no particular order): A psychotic, chainsaw wielding, Whitney Houston loving Metrosexual in American Psycho. A man who runs around in a leather suit beating the crap out of other psychotic Metrosexuals with bags over their heads in Batman Begins. A repressed homosexual news reporter trying to uncover the mystery of a glam rocker’s apparent death in Velvet Goldmine. This could spell one of two things: Either Christian Bale is a serious actor willing to defy the normal conventions of a Hollywood star, or he’s very, very gay. In fact, some might suggest that you can’t have the former without the latter.

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Marebito
by John Felix

I wish I didn’t start off my reviews of Asian horror films like this. You’ve heard the arguments from me and from more talented writers countless times: the pacing that mistakes itself for tension; the idea that above all else, ambiguity is valued no matter how flimsy; the inappropriate Japanese pop song always attached to the end credits; the lack of art direction or visual flair – while I might have been on the boat when Audition came around, that ship has sailed far, far away a long, long time ago.

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Marjoe
by John Felix

Some might call it a religious upbringing; some might call it outright child abuse. But by the age of four, Marjoe Gortner was literally being smothered by his mother when he couldn’t recite the traditional wedding ceremony speech verbatim. With enough abuse, Marjoe (a combination of Mary and Joseph) was able to perform marriages by age four, mechanically reciting such holy text word-for-word to whoever would pay for such a novelty.

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