 Artie
Lange has had an interesting career and an interesting
life. Born in 1967 and raised in Union Township, New Jersey, he grew up in a blue collar town with blue collar parents. After
an accident crippled and eventually killed his father, Lange decided that instead of being the funniest guy down at the
docks, he would try his hand at the New York comedy scene.
Slowly
building his reputation in stand-up and improv, Artie landed a role as a founding cast member of Fox’s new
show, Mad
TV. For many, Lange was the break-out
star of the show, bringing to the screen his own lovable,
average guy persona mixed with more than a little bit
of John
Belushi’s ghost.
Extreme fame is sometimes a dangerous thing for a funny guy
with a humble background. Like his hero Belushi and his
contemporary Chris
Farley, Lange found himself embroiled in the dangerous
downward spiral of substance abuse. That, combined with
rapid weight gain and a battle with depression, led Artie
to stints in rehab, effectively halting his emerging star
power.
Rescued from near obscurity by Saturday
Night Live alum Norm
MacDonald, Lange teamed up with Norm for the cult comedy Dirty
Work and the ABC sitcom The Norm Show. Lange
continued to battle his demons although he was working
steadily. In
addition to acting as the replacement for the late Chris
Farley in another David Spade buddy comedy, Lost & Found,
Lange has appeared in several high profile films, such
as The
Bachelor, Mystery Men, Boat
Trip, Old School, and Elf. Artie
will also appear in an episode of next season’s HBO
show Entourage, has a semi-recurring role
on FX’s Rescue
Me, has been the highlight of Comedy’s
Central’s roasts of Hugh Hefner and William
Shatner, and sells out stand-up shows around the country
(the latest set has been preserved in his current DVD It’s
The Whiskey Talkin’.)
 The one move that has really set Lange’s star ablaze
brighter than ever before has been his permanent place as
a member of The
Howard Stern Show. Once nationally syndicated
in radio markets all over the US, The
Howard Stern Show is now on Sirius
Satellite Radio broadcasting to the entirety of the
United States and Canada.
Lange is currently out promoting
his upcoming film Artie
Lange’s Beer League, in which he stars,
co-wrote and produced.
On the day of Artie’s interview with DVD In My Pants,
he had just completed a week that proves the entertainment
industry isn’t for the faint of heart. Artie and The
Howard Stern Show goes on the air live at
6:00 AM Monday through Friday, with the average broadcast
lasting a little over five hours. After that Artie usually
seems to pop up on a number of different Sirius shows that
broadcast after the Stern Show on Howard 100 and Howard 101. On
Thursday, as soon as the New York broadcast ended, Artie
left for Philadelphia for a gig and to do press for Beer
League. He returned to New York to do
the Stern Show for Friday. It’s currently 5:30
in the afternoon in a downtown Cleveland Ohio Marriott hotel
lounge, and in front on me is one Artie Lange. He is
committed to doing press for the rest of the afternoon and
then he has a DVD signing in the morning here in Cleveland,
as well as a sold-out show to perform that evening here.
 In person, Lange is as genial, kind, and engaging as he seems
he would be. No matter his film and television career
and being an integral part of what is arguably the most influential
radio comedy show on the air today, he seems no different than
any normal, blue collar guy you would find at your local watering
hole. Except that this guy just happens to be the funniest
guy in the room, no matter the room he is in.
I express my amazement that Lange is not only here, but welcoming
and pretty damn cool. Although obviously tired, Lange
makes great conversation and is simply laugh-out-loud funny. Nevertheless,
Artie looks like a man who has been a punching bag
for the past week. With a week’s worth of salt-and-pepper
stubble, messed hair, a Yankee’s t-shirt, and a cup of
hot coffee (booze free, although I pound through a
couple of cocktails during the interview,) Artie settles in
to chat with DVD In My Pants.
 : Artie how has life on the Stern
Show, and especially its hours, been working out for
someone, as a stand-up comic, whose schedule used to be exactly
the opposite?
Artie Lange: The only part
of the job that feels like work is getting up early. The rest
is like being in third grade throwing spitballs all day. That
early schedule dominates your life. Then I go weekends
and I got to do a turnaround. Now I am nocturnal for
the weekend, then Monday I have to get back to it. Probably
to tell you the truth, I will be dead soon if I don’t
stop this. (laughing)
An awful lot of the banter on the Stern
Show involves the cast busting one another’s chops. Artie,
due to his self-effacing sense of humor and comments like
the one above, mostly gets hit regarding his weight, drinking,
smoking, eating, and general lack of good health.
: How much of that really gets under your skin?
 Artie
Lange: Some days, you’re just in
the mood where nothing can fuck with you. Some days, you’re
not in the mood to hear anything. You get angry. Howard’s
good at pushing those buttons. But everybody gets it. It’s
fun dishing it out, but if you dish it out you have to take it. If
you can’t take you should really leave the show. Some
comics said when I got the gig, being funny is just one of the qualifications.
You’ve got to have a thick skin. There are some comics
who can’t deal with this ball breaking; they’d hit someone
with a bat. I’ve had a lot of training in getting insulted
over the years. I’m fine with it. But some days
you’re not into it, you could lose it.
: Yeah, sometimes those feelings tend to bleed out over the air.
Artie Lange: Well everybody does… some
days, like Fred
(Norris) can’t deal. Plus the fact
it’s
so early and the crankiness, hell I’ve wanted to strangle
everybody on the show. Stuttering
John (Melendez -- current announcer for The
Tonight Show With Jay Leno) was the biggest. He
would get to you, he could get under your skin and I mean
I almost punched him in the face on the air, several times.
John got under everyone’s skin…he’s
a good guy, a friend of mine, yeah I love John, I did the
road with him for awhile…I still talk to him and I
wish him the best. He’s good, he’s got a great
family, his wife’s awesome…but John can get under
your skin, especially if you’re workin’ with him
all week, and then you do the road with him. You’re
in some motel in Cincinnati after a shitty gig and you have
to share a room for whatever reason…John comes up with
one of them famous awful farts that makes you wanna like,
you know, put a gas mask on…it’s like “what’s
stopping me from throwing you out a window right now?!?” (laughing)
Artie, like everyone else on the Stern show, seems to have
no problem sharing the most intimate of details about his life. Artie
has told stories of some of the awful things that have happened
to him and that he has done, stories most people would tend
to forget ever happened, usually resulting in some of the show’s
funniest moments.
: Has
Howard (Stern) or anyone has ever declared something “off limits” on
the air.
Artie Lange: You don’t know, and
Howard never had a conversation with me like that either.
It’s so weird…everyone asked me when I got the
gig “did he sit you down and go ‘don’t talk
about it?’” It’s never happened; he just
lets stuff get worked out on the air. He really likes doing
it…he likes walking that line. Somebody says something
on the air he doesn’t like, he’ll just, you know,
push the button, and then we have a little delay now in case
someone says something and then you have to know not to ever
bring it up again. He just lets you figure it out for yourself.
To certain people, you know, certain actors, there are
rumors about them being gay, and some people are very litigious
with that. Like Tom
Cruise sues everybody, so Howard is very conscious
of that. He’s a high profile guy and one of the first
jokes I told when I got the job on the air, it’s still
one of my favorite jokes ever told on the air, but Howard
had to hit the button. He (Cruise) was married to Nicole
Kidman, and I said “Nicole Kidman…Australian
for beard;” obviously implying Tom Cruise was
gay, and he (Howard) laughed but he hit the button and
afterwards he said I can’t have any inference…or
else he’ll
sue us, and I said “you know, okay”… you
live and you learn. But he never sat me down off the air
and said “don’t do it” he let me find out
on the air.
: So,
there are no secrets? The cast
has nothing to hide?
 Artie
Lange: Well, I mean, the
truth is, there are. I mean, obviously there’s things
in our personal lives that just aren’t brought up on
the air… but we do bring up a ton of shit more than
the average people do. The show is about our life and I’ve
offered up stories and it’s like therapy. Afterwards
I’m walking up Sixth Avenue in a daze like “what
did I just say?!?” And my uncles and aunts and stuff
are hearing stories for the first time; that I shit my pants
in a gas station, they never heard it before I was on the
radio. It took awhile to get that chemistry too…they
(Howard, Fred, Robin) were already like a jazz band. For me
it took awhile to learn like, when your solo is, when you
come in and talk…he (Howard) hates when you talk over
people. I figured it out now and it’s a good on
air team. The truth is, I wouldn’t leave to do another
radio show. I’m on the New York Yankees of radio, why
go to the Devil Rays? If I left it would be for television
or a movie career.
: Has that general openness about your
life affected your career outside of the show?
Artie Lange: Yeah well first of all,
I made a conscious decision when I got on the show that
I had all of these fucked up loser stories and, I said
in the vein of Richard
Pryor, I’m going to try and be funny by telling
them on the air in a funny way. I might as well turn a
negative into a positive. My agent says, if you do that,
you might lose a chance for some endorsements. I made a
conscious decision to say screw it, and I’ll try to
be funny in an honest way, and hope the money would come
in a different way. The first three months I was on the
show, 7/11 came up with a campaign…they were putting
in a new hotdog machine, and they wanted me to be the new
hotdog guy. Wearing a goofy 7/11 outfit, it was like total
sellout. (laughing) For
three days of work, $500,000. My agent said, it’s on
the table man, ready for you to sign; and I was like “fuck
it, that’s money I can’t turn down.” So
a day before I actually signed the contract, the CEO, head
muckity-muck of 7/11 turns on the Stern show and they said, “this
is the guy we’re going with! Listen to him he’s
funny.” So he puts it on his way to work in the
back of the limo or whatever, and he’s listening to
me tell this story about getting thrown off of MadTV for
possession of cocaine and swinging at a cop, and the guy’s
jawed dropped and he called the people under him and said “What,
are you fuckin’ crazy? This guy is gonna be our spokesperson
and he was in jail for five days?!? Immediately fire
him.” It was a funny story, I got a lot of calls saying
it was funny as hell, but I lost 500 g’s for three days
of work…they fired me. My agent called me and said, “You
just blew it.” To tell you the truth I’d rather
be the guy telling a funny edgy story than the “hotdog
guy” at 7/11, I really would.
Historically, films and television shows have a difficult
time getting insurance for actors who have had “troubles” in
their recent past, affecting their ability to be cast or getting
a project made.
: Are
you in one of those “Robert
Downey Jr. situations?”.
Artie Lange: Um, it’s not as bad
as him yet, like I haven’t lost…obviously this
movie (Artie
Lange’s Beer League) was a big
deal… independent movie guys putting up money, it was
a big part of this hedge fund, it all depends on me showing
up everyday. And I just had a nervous breakdown on the
air (laughing)…so the guys signing the checks were
like, “What
am I going to do?” And there were insurance issues,
so I sat them down and guaranteed, “Guys, the month
it takes to do this, I can get through it, I’ll do it,
I promise you.” And they paid a bigger premium and insured
me and I got through it. I’ve lost actual life insurance
in real life because of these deathwatch things and stories
I tell. It hasn’t affected me with a gig yet… Entourage,
stuff like that. Hollywood is very forgiving, man. They
have to be. If they didn’t work with every fucked up
druggie in Hollywood, there would be no movies.
: Obviously
your career has been a bit of a roller coaster. What
moments do you consider those that you are proud of?
 Artie
Lange: Well
probably, everything I’ve done has things I’ve
been proud of. Like, MadTV might
come out with the “Best Of” me, which is really
flattering. In the two years I was on it, there are probably
10 or 11 sketches that I was actually proud of, and a couple
of Norm Show episodes, Dirty
Work I think is funny, but I haven’t
had a stellar, like critically acclaimed career. If I had
to pick one thing it’s probably the work on the Stern
show for five years. If I had to put something in a
time capsule, it would probably be my funniest moments
on the show and what it’s allowed me to do. It’s
The Whiskey Talkin', my stand-up
DVD, I couldn’t have done that on Comedy Central….
It’s uncensored. I’m proud of it because that’s
me, in a club, 12 at night, a couple of drinks in me, needing
a shave, messed up hair, with a jacket I was just sleeping
on. Comedy the way I want to do it. Because of Stern, I
was able to get a big distribution deal and make a lot
of money from it, and be edgy and not censor myself. So
this (Artie
Lange’s Beer League) is the
movie version of that DVD. It’s tough to put radio shows
in time capsules so it’s Beer
League and It’s
The Whiskey Talkin’. Beer
League, I think, is the best and funniest
movie I’ve been in…and I’m very proud of
it.
: What about your upcoming, sold-out show
at the legendary Carnegie Hall?
Artie Lange: That’s unreal…that’s
something my mother was actually proud of. It’s
rare that she’s proud of something I do…it’s
like “whoa that’s amazing”…selling
it out in two hours, its surreal to me. That’s going
to be unbelievable. That was a very big milestone.
: With Beer
League coming out this week, what about the
similarly titled Beer Fest, released a few
weeks ago?
Artie Lange: What happened was it was
renamed “Artie Lange’s” Beer
League after Beer Fest came
out. I didn’t want that, it’s sort of embarrassing. This
distributor bought the movie and they can mark it whatever
they want. So they said, we will add your name in front
of it to counteract the Beer Fest.
I am fans of those Broken Lizard guys (creators of Beer
Fest). While I haven’t seen Beer
Fest, I think Super Troopers is
real funny. So I wished them luck. It came out
a few weeks before us so I think it has already died down,
so hopefully it won’t hurt us. It’s funny
you mention that. It’s the entire reason it’s Artie
Lange’s Beer League.
: What would you call the movie if it were
up to you?
Artie Lange: Just Beer
League, plain. We always loved that
title. That’s what we called these leagues, when
I played in these drunken leagues in Jersey. It wasn’t
officially called that, but you would say “that’s
a beer league.” We loved that title. If I had
my druthers, I would take “Artie Lange” out of
the title. For a classier route we should’ve went with Jessica
Lange’s Beer League. (laughs)
Fuck it, use her name.
: For
a smaller-budget film, you’ve
got a great cast. Is there anyone that you wanted but
couldn’t get?
Artie Lange: Well, the Ralph Macchio
part, he ended up being amazing. He is a great voice
of reason, like in My Cousin Vinny. He’s
a great guy to say, “You guys are crazy and I’m
his crazy friend.” For that part we had thoughts
of some real famous guys, some long shots. We sent the
scripts out…I’m in CAA, it’s a big agency,
so I have the ability to get scripts to people. Just
movie stars that would ensure getting way more money, like
Matt Damon, he’s a baseball fan. We sent it to
him and we got nowhere with that. But both Ralph Macchio
and Scott Baio auditioned. Like all these iconic Italian
guys from the early ‘80s. Scott Baio’s audition
was funny, but we went with Ralph. He is a very comforting
piece of Americana. He is great in the movie and he
is a great guy. The Seymour Cassell part, we are so
thrilled with him. But we thought of Rip Torn for that
too. But when you see Seymour’s performance, it
is so fucking funny and he nails it. The biggest laughs
in the movie are his. My favorite joke in the movie
is his. I don’t want to blow it for you but, “I
ground into a double play and he comes up to me and goes,
Artie watching you hitting into that double play makes me
wish I was 35 years younger. I go, “Why so you
can kick my ass.” He says, “No I can kick
your ass right now. But 35 years ago I would have lent
your parent’s money for an abortion.” That
is obviously a very politically incorrect joke but he nails
it. It’s like boom, it’s a great line. (laughs)
With our time well over the allotted 20 minutes, a visibly
exhausted Artie is whisked up to his hotel room to try and catch up on some
much needed sleep. Still, great guy that he is, Artie
didn’t hesitate to sign my Dirty Work DVD. I
hope that bottle of Jack Daniels that I gave him before the
interview helps him sleep through a grimy Cleveland night.
Artie
Lange’s Beer League starring Artie Lange,
Ralph Macchio, Anthony Desando (The Sopranos), Carla Buono
(The Sopranos), Jerry Minor (Mr. Show, Lucky Louie), Laurie
Metcalf (Rosanne), Seymour Cassel (Rushmore), Kamal Ahmed
(The Jerky Boys), with appearances by Jim Breuer, Nick
DiPaolo, Jim Florentine, and Tina Fey opens in limited
release on Friday, September 15th in theaters in New York,
New Jersey, Philadelphia and Cleveland, Ohio. If it
does well enough, it will release wide the following week.
And that concludes the second in my unintentional series
of interviews with New Jersey guys.*
*Lou
Taylor Pucci, April 2005.
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