Welcome to the first installment of ’ Bad Movie Night – where we pit a collection of less-than-interesting films against each other in order to blaze through a pile of screeners that are so unremarkable, they sit at the bottom of our dresser drawers for months on end.

The rules are simple: I marathon as many torturously dull films in a single day and then, when the drugs have worn off, I will force myself to write as much as possible – a lot of these films don’t justify a full thousand-word review. Enter Bad Movie Night.

You see, as a writer for this site for the past seven years, I run into writer’s block frequently when the titles I receive are especially middle-of-the-road. Not every film can be No Country For Old Men, and, on the opposite side of the coin, not every film can be Razor Blade Smile. And when that happens, Bad Movie Night will be there, like a superhero in the moonlight. Like Dougray Scott swooping in for yet another rape victim.

Contestant #1: Insanitarium

What the back of the box says: Jesse Metcalfe (TV’s Desperate Housewives) stars in this horrifying thriller about a man who cons his way into a mental hospital in order to break out his beloved sister. Once inside, he discovers that a doctor (Peter Stromare, Fargo) is mercilessly using his patients as lab rats and is turning them into bloodthirsty killers. Trapped inside an inescapable labyrinth, will he and his sister find a way out before the relentless cannibals hunt them down?

What the back of the box should say: Do you have low standards? This movie is for you! Jesse Metcalfe (who cares) battles that guy from Fargo (Peter Stormare, who apparently needs a Coen brother in the room in order to appear human) who insists on injecting his patients with make-you-go-crazy juice. Stand around waiting for a solid hour before the director finally gets around to the horror a title like Insanitarium suggests, and still be disappointed by the lackluster results. Also features: the nerdy guy from Wet Hot American Summer.

Bonus Content: You’ve got your selection of deleted scenes, two featurettes (Inside The Asylum: Jesse Metcalfe And Jeff Buhler and Inside The Asylum: The Patients), a yawnworthy storyboard gallery, and previews for other direct-to-DVD crapfests. Oh, don’t forget your bonus digital copy.

Overall Rating: 2.5 – bland movie, enough extras so you don’t feel cheated (outside of watching the film itself), a bonus digital copy that you’ll never touch in your lifetime, we clearly have a middling DVD.

Contestant #2: Phantasm Oblivion

What the back of the box says: Writer/director Don Coscarelli reunites A. Michael Baldwin, Reggie Bannister, Bill Thornbury and Angus Scrimm for the final shocking chapter of the most unique series in horror movie history! As The Tall Man’s unholy harvest reaches its crescendo, Mike, Reggie and Jody will converge across portals of time and dimensions of the undead to uncover his startling secrets. Flying spheres will be unleashed. Ice cream vendors will reload. But will the ultimate nightmare end where it all began? The final game now begins in this decisive sequel that Digitally Obsessed calls “A superb conclusion… one of the most rewarding films of the series!”

What the back of the box should say: Writer/director Don Coscarelli has lost his fucking mind. While fans leapt at Phantasm’s eerie surrealism, Phantasm: Oblivion will drive you up a wall with its nonsensical madness. And, thanks to a twenty-year-plus history to the franchise and endless rolls of unused footage from previous sequels to be used as flashback sequences here, you can now experience what can only be described as the 49-Up of the horror genre – a film that John H. Felix of DVDInMyPants can only describe as “an interesting cinematic headache with little to no value – and yet so watchable!”

Bonus Features: Hey Anchor Bay, don’t use the phrase “loaded with extras” on the back of your DVD case when all you’ve got is an Audio Commentary, a behind-the-scenes Featurette and a promo trailer. That’s not packed, no matter how good the commentary track is.

DIMP Fun Fact: I was very stupid and sold off this DVD before taking screencaps of it. Enjoy the stolen pictures I took from Google Image Search, suckers!

Overall Rating: 3.5 – Superfans feel cheated by not getting the answers they felt they deserved, but Phantasm was never about answering questions. If you can’t get your hands on the region 2 box set, this is the individual release to get.

Contestant #3: Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde

What the back of the box says: Dr, Jeckyll is a successful physician whose experiments unleash a serial killer, Mr. Hyde, within himself. As murders continue to pile up, Jeckyll must race against time to cure his deadly condition and destroy his alter ego. Featuring a haunting performance by Dougray Scott (Mission Impossible II), Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde proves that everyone has a dark side.

What the back of the box should say: Dougray Scott (ha ha ha ha, his name is Dougray!) puts in way too much wacky effort into this latest up-to-date retelling of H.G. Wells’ classic story. Watch as Dougray (hahaAHAHA) rapes his way through a cast of no-names for ninety minutes, including himself.

Bonus Features: Genius Entertainment underwhelms with a single featurette: A Man of Many Faces: An Interview with Dougray Scott features the accented actor explaining what makes the material so interesting. If you guessed “multiple personality disorder allows you to take the characterizations into different territories,” you’d be right. Yawn.

Overall Rating: 1 – Sorry folks, this one was so drab, I couldn’t get through the entire movie. I had to cook dinner anyway. Pork chops with grilled onions on a bed of rice. Christ, I’m bored. My suggestion is to just watch Jeckyll & Hyde… Together Again instead. This one’s just a snooze.

Contestant #4: Maléfique

What the back of the box says: A Prison Cell, Four prisoners - Carrere, a young company director accused of fraud, 35 year old transsexual in the process of his transformation, Daisy, a 20 year old mentally challenged idiot savant and Lassaile, a 60 year old intellectual who murdered his wife. Behind a stone slab in the cell, mysteriously pulled loose, they discovered a book; the diary of a prisoner, Danvers, who occupied the cell at the beginning of the century. The diary contains magic formulas that supposedly enable prisoners to escape...but since the discover of the book, strange and troubling phenomena multiply in the prison cell.

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Bonus Content: Absolutely nothing. BCI has graced a snooze of a movie with an equally dull DVD. This does make room for its DTS soundtrack but, otherwise, it still fits on a single-layered disc. In 2008.

Overall Rating: 2.0 – Like an extended episode of The New Twilight Zone, Maléfique (English translation: Man Fuck) lulls you to sleep, only to – well – not actually wake you up with the ending, but sort of nudge you and go “hey, check this out.” Then, dazed out of your sleep, you turn to the screen and go “Pfft. Whaaatever, dude,” before rolling over and passing out for a fifth time. Oddly enough, I’m willing to give Maléfique (English Translation: Dull) the Best Acting Award of the bunch because it’s in French, and therefore I can’t gauge the actual acting chops being put forth into the film. Mwaa, the French!

And The Winner Is…

The answer is devastatingly clear: Phantasm Oblivion is nutty enough for a dozen viewings, and the content of the DVD makes the package all the more appealing. While it’s far from Coscarelli’s best, Phantasm Oblivion shows off a level of professionalism and dedication that you just can’t find in the other films I’ve had to watch today. Sure, it’s frustrating, confusing and downright incomprehensible, but that’s pretty much its entire hook. God bless you Phantasm Oblivion. You are head and shoulders above the rest of the pack (fun fact: this means next to nothing when you’re on a list including Insanitarium).