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15) Wild,
Wild West
At one time, Will Smith was instant box office gold. Throw
his smiling, rapping, Safe And Cuddly Black Man image
on a movie poster and you just knew that flick was going
to rake in a lot of dough (and would probably be a lot
of fun in the process). Sure, he always had people who
hated him, but the hate rolled off that playa's back like
cliché goes here. With Wild, Wild West,
though, even Smith's biggest supporters had to admit that
he was capable of opening up a big bag of suck. Terrifically
awful in every way, not even Salma Hayek (who would ooze
sexuality even if soaked in urine and pinned beneath a
flaming nine-car pileup) managed to make this train wreck
worth watching.
-- Eric San Juan |
 |
14) Barb
Wire
The only time I have seen Barb Wire was
on its 500th rerun on The Sci-Fi Channel in 1998. Hacked
up, edited, ripped to shreds, pan-and-scanned, my biggest
complaint about the film is that just like the actual
film itself, I did not reach a proper, satisfying climax.
I predict that within the next five years, all Vivid Video
releases will look like this movie, only less ridiculous
and featuring actresses with smaller breasts.
-- John Felix |
 |
13) Exit
To Eden
The truest testament to Exit To Eden's
sucktitude is that people still have bondage fantasies.
Obviously those people haven’t seen this film, since
it's safe to say that anyone who might have had interest
in bondage either lost that interest or turned gay in
response to seeing Rosie O’Donnell in leather. That
being the largest (pun intended) issue with the film,
Rosie's leather-clad presence has two benefits. First,
it guaranteed no one would see the film. Second, it assured
no one would have to suffer through its lame and unfunny
jokes. Of course, some people actually did watch her talk
show… I take back what I said. If you have seen
this film, then you were already gay to begin with or
you couldn’t find the remote control you were probably
sitting on. I can only offer my condolences for the latter.
-- Shawn McLoughlin |
 |
12) Hercules
In New York
This film is gayer than gay porn. And I watch gay porn.
--JFelix
A young Governator walking around New
York City in next to nothing, spouting goofy dialogue
with a goofy overdubbed voice? (Few things are more
hilarious than hearing a rich, clear-speaking voice
come out of Arnold's mouth.) And I need to explain why
this is on the Suckiest list?
-- Eric San Juan |
 |
11) Look
Who's Talking Too
The shrill and obnoxious Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Hinckley
Jr.-Hitler stars in a film where she plays a shrill and
obnoxious baby. John Felix stars in an Internet column
where he pretends to remember the last time he saw any
of the Look Who’s Talking films
and didn’t feel the urge to throw a vodka bottle
at the television screen. Remember how awesome Elias Koteas
was as Casey Jones in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
That motherfucker was always on.
-- John Felix |
 |
10) Street
Fighter
Somewhere, in some part of the
afterlife or netherworld of whatever the hell you believe
in, Raul Julia is weeping. He is weeping because Street Fighter was the big screen motion picture
with which he finished his career. Yet feel not alone,
Raul. We all weep with you. Street Fighter is an embarrassment of embarrassment, to this day the
only film I’ve ever walked out on, a movie so bad
it transcends what bad truly is. Let’s face it,
you expect bad from something starring Jean-Claude
Van Damme – but this was just over the top. It’s
difficult to put into words how bad this is … just
know that I am uncontrollably weeping at the memory of
this travesty even as I type this.
-- Eric San Juan |
 |
9) Glitter
Glitter. Yeah, you know Glitter,
starring Mariah Carey, she of total and complete mental
breakdowns? Few films are worse than this. It's completely
forgettable, derivative, and bland in every way. It even
manages to take the biggest whack job of diva whack jobs
(yes, even more of a whack job than Whitney) and make
her seem mundane. Mariah “Nervous Breakdown”
Carey, mundane! Her acting? Oh, ya, no, she's
very bad at it. Bubblegum music + rehashed story, bad
acting, and worse dialogue = a horrible film.
-- Eric Preston |
 |
8) Howard
The Duck
Duck tits, Lea Thompson as an 80s rocker, and child molester
Jeffrey Jones. This is what Howard the Duck,
a spectacularly poor film with no concept of what a “target
market” is, has going for it. Unfortunately, there
isn’t much else. Whereas the film starts off brilliantly
stupid, it ends as just another boring Aliens clone (if it was mixed with retarded DNA) followed by
a stupid rock concert. It is a fair assumption that the
phrase “fuck a duck” became exponentially
less funny (and in fact more insulting) after this film.
George Lucas pretends he didn’t have any involvement
here, but anyone who has seen it knows at least this:
It is more entertaining than The Phantom Menace.
And it does shave one thing no other movie has…
Duck tits. Admit it, you’re intrigued.
-- Shawn McLoughlin |
 |
7) Blues
Brothers 2000
Fuck the fucking mother fuckers who fucking thought fucking
revisiting the fucking classic fucking film that the fuck
is the fucking Blues Brothers was a good
fucking idea. Fuck them in their mother fucking fucking
asses.
-- Eric San Juan |
 |
6) Pearl
Harbor
Oh, for the love of god, give me a break. Somebody please
ask Michael Bay how he managed to take one of the monumental
events of the 20th Century and turn it into a sappy, overlong,
cliché-ridden, trying-way-too-hard-to-be-epic,
bloated, overblown, Jesus-I-can’t-stand-it-anymore
turd of this magnitude. Sure, sure, Bay’s flair
for insanely perfect production is certainly on display
here, but everything else is just garbage. Jon Voight’s
FDR is laughably melodramatic, they put way too much makeup
on the otherwise gorgeous Kate Beckinsale (how about letting
us see her face through all that paint?), and
Ben Affleck is enough to make any man want to do murder.
Throw in a badly-directed love triangle, an hilarious
bar fight that belongs in a wacky 60s comedy, and heavy-handed
drama that makes Stephen Spielberg look like the most
subtle director of the last 30 years and guess what? You
have a whole harbor full of suck on your hands.
-- Eric San Juan |
 |
5) Leonard
Part 6
Take Bill Cosby and place him in a movie nowhere near
the style of material he usually deals with. Then make
him ride an ostrich and fight off evil dancing vegetarians
with a hot dog and hamburger patties. Further alienate
and confuse the audience by allowing them to think they
actually missed Leonard Parts one through five. Finally,
date the film even more by including references to Jane
Fonda workout tapes, St. Elsewhere, and
piles of product placement. This is what Leonard
Part 6 is. It’s really impossible to summarize
any further since its badness exists entirely on a level
all its own. It warrants viewing simply for how surreal
it is. Even the Cos knows this, since he actually showed
up to accept his Razzie Award. You would think he would
learn from that award – but then he made Ghost
Dad.
-- Shawn McLoughlin |
 |
4) Kazaam
Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal
as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie.
Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal
as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie.
Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal
as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie.
Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal
as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie.
Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal
as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie.
Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal
as a rapp- Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
-- John Felix |
 |
3) Super
Mario Bros.: The Movie
This film was released when I was just 12 years old. I
actually sat through it twice, managing to fall asleep
on both occasions. Even at the young age of 12, it was
absolutely baffling to me that Nintendo would push for
this film when The Wizard, another Nintendo
circle-jerk that I had to see as a child, sunk like a
rock. So where did Super Mario Brothers go wrong? Was it the fact that the film was live action?
Was it the fact that Dennis Hopper was off cocaine during
filming? I lay the blame squarely on giving the Mario
Brothers' last name. Mario Mario? Fuck you, Nintendo.
-- John Felix |
 |
2) Batman
& Robin
The fact that Warner Bros.' Batman series
started out so well only makes the embarrassing levels
of suck present in this sucky bit of homoerotic cinema
all the more disappointing. We had a cool Batman and cool
villains and all sorts of cool superhero action –
and then Joel Schumacher came along. Sure, Batman
Forever was pretty bad, but at least Tommy Lee
Jones and Jim Carrey were entertaining. It even had Nicole
“She Makes Me Drool On Myself” Kidman. For Batman & Robin, though, Schumacher
pulled out all the stops. And by “pulled out all
the stops” I mean “went totally gay.”
Erect Batman nipples, bulging codpieces, George “I
could only be more full of myself if I was Sean Penn”
Clooney and some of the goofiest set pieces this side
of a cheap porn make Batman & Robin one of the worst films ever made.
-- Eric San Juan |
 |
1) Battlefield
Earth
John Travolta’s magnum opus on Hubbardology includes
all sorts of cool things – war-mongering aliens,
laser guns, battles, spaceships, rebellion, explosions,
dreadlocks – and yet manages to be so far from cool
it makes words like “dope” and “fresh”
seem cutting edge. What a load of crap this thinly veiled
Travolta version of The Passion Of The Christ is. When George Lucas’ hokey Jedi nonsense is more
believable than Travolta’s very real hokey
nonsense (both being the spiritual basis at the core of
their respective sci-fi films) you know there is a problem.
Way to wreck all the good will Pulp Fiction earned you, John! Never push this crap on the public again.
The people of  think your film has more suck than any other film ever
made. And for you, well, that news has got to suck. Now
fuck the fuck off!
-- Eric San Juan |
 |
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