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But once he gets to Mars, Santa keeps his eyes on the prize
– and that prize is spreading joy to the ugly-assed
Martian children. Forced, creepy, endless fits of joy that
come off more like maniacal laughter with uncomfortable kids
that probably smell the bourbon wafting off Santa. It’s
so touching. And so… creepy.
Just LOOK at that damn kid. Damn. Bad Martian teeth, son.
Talk about an awkward phase.
And who knew Pia Zadora was a mouth breather at that age?
Now I almost feel creepy for ogling those nudie pics of the
grown up version of Pia online. (Almost.)
Now we get to see the full breadth of Martian technology.
That rad assembly line for Santa to crank out some toys for
the Martian kiddies. Too bad it only makes white human dolls
instead of green Martian dolls. Come on, Santa. That’s
like giving a black child a white Cabbage Patch Kid. Is this
how you plan to “conquer” Mars? With your blatant
racism? For shame, Santa, for shaaaame.
At this point, I would be remiss to give away too much more
of the plot, as it would be a shame to ruin where it all goes
from there, but… HOLY SHIT. IS THAT JAMIE FARR!!?? I
completely forgot his rubber puss was in this. What a performance!
I’ve never seen anyone mug so much in my entire life.
Look at him go! I guess he was Dropo’s understudy.
Part Three
– Palmerlime Makes A Resolution
Man, I’ve got to watch this at least once a week until
Christmas arrives.
Okay, my wide-eyed innocence has given way quite a bit, but
the movie is every bit of fun as it was when I first saw it. This is why I enjoy a big helping of cheese every
now and then. This is why I can tolerate such crap.
It set me on a course of ruin, where the typical box office
draws would not always satisfy me. And to be honest, I thank
it every chance I get. If you have never subjected yourself
to this wonderfully inept piece of filmmaking because you
heard it was terrible, you really don’t know what you’re
missing. Trust me. Terrible is Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, on the
other hand, is a hoot and a half. If you have only experienced
this movie through the MST3K jibes and barbs,
then you have not truly experienced it. As funny as Joel and
the Bots were, they really aren’t needed to enjoy it.
This movie stands on its own and can easily be mocked/enjoyed
without any prodding from a talking gumball machine.
These kinds of films are special. There are soooo many crappy
movies out there, most of which are unbearable to watch, but
this is most certainly not one of them. Sure, it’s a
crappy movie. But somehow, even with all the sets that would
make Doctor Who point and laugh, there’s magic to be
found here. Perhaps this has something to do with my unhealthy
fascination with the movie, but I’d like to think not.
Granted, the seed of the odd was planted in my mind that very
day, but I was also swept along by something unique. Almost
dangerous, now that I think about it. You know, that was the
only time in history that my parents never let me eat the
candy cane the dude dressed as Santa gave me? Was it the dude,
or was it the impact of the movie? Heck, maybe there is some kind of magic captured here, something that transcends
the awfulness. I don’t know. All I do know
is that A Christmas Story and White
Christmas don’t get me nearly as excited for
Christmas as this movie does, and neither have contributed
to the man that stands before you today.
Now stop rolling your eyes and sing along
with me, dammit.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU BASTARDS!!!!!
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