You know, when the editorial staff here at first announced a theme week, everyone snapped up the titles like Black Christmas and Christmas Evil. Why? Well, because that’s in our comfort zone, that’s why. We are a jaded, cynical bunch here. No one trolls through DIMP looking for a review of Miracle on 34th Street. They come here looking for the dark side of Christmas.

And while it was tempting to review something like Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, I didn’t want to just go along with the norm. I wanted to try, despite my jaded heart, to get into the spirit. More importantly, I wanted to get my four-year-old daughter, Lily, into it also. She’s never seen any of the really good Rankin/Bass stuff that I used to watch as a kid. You know, the stuff with the stop motion puppets and crappy animation. Stuff like Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty The Snowman.

Hell, Lily hardly even knows who Rudolph is, so I figured it was a great opportunity to sit down with her and spend some quality time while getting into the holiday spirit.

The shit I do for you people…

This is, by far, the most work I’ve ever had to do for a DIMP review. I actually had to parent for God’s sake!

Lily and I sat down one evening in late November to take in Frosty The Snowman, The Little Drummer Boy, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. What follows is afairly accurate documentation of the evening. I thought it would be warm and special. Instead, it turned into a nightmare of tears and questions about death.

As we curled up on the couch and hit “play feature” on the DVD, first up was Frosty The Snowman. 

Right away, she asked me why the magician was mean. I tried to explain that he didn’t think of other’s feelings. She asked me why he wanted his hat back; I tried to explain that he was just selfish. It was a nonstop barrage of questions for the first eight minutes or so. Then, she seemed to get it and settled down to watch the rest.  

There I was, sitting content that my evening was going to be one we would both remember for years to come.

Then…Frosty fucking melted.

At this point, Lily broke into uncontrollable sobbing, complete with hitching chest and massive amounts of tears. I ended up having to pause the DVD and console her for a full ten minutes before she settled down long enough to finish watching it. If she had held out for literally 30 seconds more, she would have seen Santa come in and save the day.  

Actual conversation after we finally make it through to the end:

Lily:  I don't like Frosty, and I don't ever want to see it again. Do we have to watch it again?

Cary:  No we don’t… I never much liked it anyway.

In the interest of keeping track, here’s a rundown of what to expect if you decide to watch it yourself:

Total Evil Characters:  One, but he's also completely inept. He did make a little girl cry, though.

Total Kills:   One… sort of. Frosty melts, but then Santa brings him back to life.

Verdict:  If anything, Frosty the Snowman ripped away some of my daughter's innocence. In doing so, it made sure to keep mine firmly lost. Fuck you Rankin/Bass Productions and fuck you Frosty. I'm not bitter that you introduced my daughter to concepts like evil and death. I'm bitter because you caused me to waste part of my night parenting when my wife could have dealt with this shit. Dickwads.

Next up was The Little Drummer Boy. At first, everything was good. The boy played his drum, the animals danced, my daughter laughed, and life was golden.  

Then, Rankin/Bass pulled out all the stops with a flashback scene revealing how the kid became an orphan. While they never showed exactly what happened to his parents, they do show the family farm burning to the ground and bandits breaking in. There’s also a split second where you can see a bandit throw a knife toward the father and see THE FUCKING FATHER’S EYES CLOSE IN PAIN AS HE GRABS HIS CHEST!  For crying out loud people, I’ve seen more subtle kills in The Departed!

Lily:  Why doesn't the boy have a Mommy and Daddy?

Cary:  They died when the farm burned down.

Lily:  Why did they die?

Cary:  They were probably trapped in the farmhouse when it was on fire.

Lily:  And the little boy got away?

Cary:  Yes.

Lily:  Why didn't his Mommy and Daddy get away too?

Cary:  I don't know.

Lily:  Why did the people burn the farm?

Cary:  Because people are sometimes mean.
  
I tried to keep the spirit of the season. I tried to be happy…but those Rankin/Bass fuckers were not having it. Five minutes before the closing credits, a Roman centurion in a chariot runs over the Little Drummer Boy's lamb. He just fucking nails him. If you slow down the movie, you can see him crush its goddamn spine for crying out loud.  

Lily (chest hitching, about to cry):  Why did the man run over the lamb?  

Cary:  It was an accident. He didn't mean to.

Lily (breaking into a full sob):  The man who ran him over looked mean. I don't think it was an accident. Why are people mean, Daddy?

Cary:  Because God makes them that way.

Lily:  Why does he do that?

Cary:  Because God's a prick, Lily.

Lily:  What’s a prick Daddy?

Cary:  Nothing. Forget I said it.

Finally, the Rankin/Bass logo appears, I get her to stop crying and pop some popcorn to give us both a break.

Total Evil Characters: At least seven. The two bandits who kidnap him are the tip of the iceberg. Then there are the outlaws who killed his parents and the centurion.   

Total Kills: Two if you count the kid’s parents. Otherwise, the lamb survives.

Verdict: The Little Drummer Boy sucks. I've always thought this, but now I have another corresponding opinion from what should be the target demographic.  Another piece of innocence is firmly stripped away thanks to the mean people conversation. I'm beginning to feel that, by the end of this experience, I'll be well on my way to raising the female equivalent of the "Mole" character from South Park – The Movie.

Yet still, my daughter wanted to soldier on. We popped in my personal favorite of all of these: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t seriously market the hell out of this movie. I sold it up and fucking down. There was no way I was going to spend anymore time consoling a crying kid for something DIMP needed. Right before anything even remotely scary or depressing happened, I went into damage control mode and broke it to her gently while pausing the movie. The result was that she loved it and has since watched it about 12 times.

Cary:  Why do you like Santa Claus Is Coming To Town so much?

Lily:  Because the mean people all turn nice. The Winter Warlock turns nice and helps the reindeer fly.

Cary:  The Burgermeister doesn't turn nice.

Lily:  No, but he goes away so you don't have to worry about him anymore. I also like how Santa Claus gets the reindeer to fly and how the elves make him his red suit.  

She totally dug it. It’s still full of assholes oppressing kids, elves and Santa himself, but my “break it to her gently” approach paid off for both of us.

Total Evil Characters: Three + some generic soldiers. As mentioned above, one is reformed by the end of the story. The others are just explained away.

Total Kills: None.  

Verdict: Even without the kills, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town gets a solid thumbs up from both of us. Watching her enjoy it and start pointing out things got me into it again as well. Also, this one is fun thanks to its soundtrack, which couldn't be more reflective of late 60's/early 70's generic pop music fare.  Lots of syrupy strings, keyboards and lines like "everything is starting to pop" throughout the slow songs.

And so, fresh off that stunning victory, we decide to go ahead and watch Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. Now if you’ve ever watched this one, you know that the song is just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, Rudolph is born with a glowing red nose and his father is embarrassed by it. Santa is kind of an asshole about it, too, so Rudolph runs away with an elf who wants to be a dentist. Gay animal sex does NOT ensue… even though that set up almost demands that it happen.  

Instead, they meet a gold miner named Yukon Cornelius, journey to the Island of Misfit Toys, and even fight the Abominable Snow Monster  (which is also not located in Yukon Cornelius' pants… even though that set up practically demands that it live there). This shit is on the level of a Sid and Marty Krofft Super Special.

Unlike most of the other Rankin/Bass oeuvre, no one is killed, or even terribly hurt, except for the Snow Monster who has his teeth pulled out. It's all about individuality and hurting feelings. This is a concept that Lily seems to understand right away. After it's all over, I ask her what she thought.

Lily:  I don't like the Snow Monster. He's scary.

Cary:  You liked the other parts though?

Lily:  Yes.

Cary:  Would you watch it again?

Lily:  No, because I don't like the Snow Monster.

Cary:  This is one of my favorites. I think you should watch it again.

Lily:  You just like the gay overtones.
  
Total Evil Characters: Only the Snow Monster is really evil. Everyone else just discriminates against Rudolph because of his nose.

Total Kills: Although there's some promise when Yukon Cornelius goes over the cliff while fighting the Snow Monster (no that’s not a euphemism for gay sex… but it should be), everyone ends up fine. No kills.

Verdict: It's a classic, and even though she says she won't watch it again, this will be the only one that we force her to view a second time. You can't not like Rudolph.

So, when it's all said and done, what did this accomplish? Well it's pointed out that Rankin/Bass may be single-handedly responsible for my early distrust of my fellow man. Now my daughter is just as skeptical. Thank you, television, for supporting a worldview that will most likely lead to our destruction as a race. Once again, you've proven yourself invaluable.