Okay, so recently I spent approximately 36 hours in Las Vegas, Nevada celebrating with my good friend Will for his birthday.  It was his very first time to this oasis of all things considered sinful (you know like the homogenizing of American culture and Jimi Hendrix slot machines).  So with such a short amount of time available to us, we had to hit the highlights.  We felt it only fitting that he should take in the gigantic casinos on the strip first, so that we could then go to smaller, much more fun places later (like the Double Down Saloon, home of the Bacon Martini and "Ass Juice").

As we walked from casino to casino, we would occasionally park in front of a slot machine in order to get a cheap drink.  It was during this part of the adventure that I realized I truly, truly, infinitely hate certain songs that have been co-opted by the gambling industry.  How, you ask?  Via samples of them playing on slot machines when certain winning combinations are hit.

For example, I was playing a video slot machine called "Money Storm", when suddenly I hit some kind of bonus round.  The speakers suddenly started blaring "It's Raining Men" by The Weathergirls.

Now, aside from the technical inaccuracy (there were, in fact, no men raining down from the screen), I was most offended by the manufacturers laziness in selecting a song for this part of the game.  There are a number of songs out there that are plenty generic and much less annoying.  "Singing in the Rain" would be better suited and much more enjoyable.

That got me thinking of other songs the slot machine companies should license for use in their games.  Here's my short list of five proposed "theme" slot machines complete with bonus round musical accompaniment.

1.  The John Hughes Films Video Slot
I can't believe people haven't already thought of this.  It's a veritable gold mine and would certainly attract younger people just as the Alien slot attracted Will (yes... there is an Alien slot complete with images of the stomach burster springing forth).  Imagine images of Ferris Bueller, Andie Walsh, John Bender and Kelly LeBrock as Lisa, the Weird Science Wildcard.  It's not like Hughes would be selling out.  He sold out years ago (I submit to you Beethovens 1 - 5).

Featured songs:  Line up five Molly Ringwalds and you get Pretty in Pink by the Psychedelic Furs.  Get three Kelly LeBrocks and Oingo Boingo's Weird Science booms from the speakers.  Hit five Ferris Buellers and you get the jackpot while Twist and Shout lets everyone in that depressing, smoke-filled casino know just what a winner you are. 

2.  The George W. Bush Administration Video Slot
This slot would need some state of the art technology incorporated but hear me out.  First, we’ll need a sensor on the slot to recognize a new player (you could do this with the slot club card, but not everyone uses them).  Then the machine would react as follows:  Within your first few pulls, you get back a solid win (say 20x what you put in).  Then on every pull after that, the machine takes back in credits, twice what you actually bet.  Sure, you’ll get wiped out pretty quick, but ultimately if they’ve already got your money, the makers of the game don’t care how long you play their machine.

Featured songs:  Line up three Scooter Libbys and you hear Depeche Mode’s Policy of Truth.  Get three Colin Powells and you hear Lynyrd Synyrd’s Gimme Three Steps.  Five Dick Cheneys and you hit the jackpot, MC Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This plays while your savings account is secretly drained.

3.  The Drive-In B-Movie Tribute Video Slot
This could be a fun one.  First of all, lots of bikini’s.  Any winning combo means the video screen is suddenly filled with go-go dancers for ten seconds.  Icons should include Kent Taylor (Brides of Blood, The Mighty Gorga, Satan’s Sadists, Blood of Ghastly Horror), Tommy Kirk (It’s a Bikini World, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, Mother Goose-A-Go-Go) and Regina Carrol (The Female Bunch, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, The Naughty Stewardesses).  Scatter wins should feature five-second snippets from each of these films (which would cost next to nothing).

Featured Songs:  To Have And To Hold by The Distant Cousins should play anytime you line up three images of the monster from Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster.  Three Regina Carrols and you get Satan by Harley Hatcher.  The jackpot comes when you line up five Deborah Walleys and Attack by The Toys comes ripping through the room.  

4.  The Schoolhouse Rock Video Slot
Okay, this one is sick in some ways but hey, these days it’s all about being retro.  Nothing sells or attracts like nostalgia.  That’s why this slot would have people lining up to play.  All of your favorites would be there.  Conjunction Junction, Adjectives, The Bill, Interjections… it would be entertaining and educational.   Hell we could even market it like that.  “Want to be smarter than a fifth grader and meet your idol, Jeff Foxworthy?  Play the Schoolhouse Rock Video Slot machine!” 

Featured Songs:  We almost have to go with the Atlantic release from 1996 for a couple of these.  In particular, Buffalo Tom’s Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here and Interplanet Janet by Man or Astroman.  That said, once you lose everything or just decide to walk away, the original version of My Hero, Zero needs to play as loud as possible.  

5.  The Pitiful Slot Addicted Loser Video Slot
There’s nothing funnier than watching someone in denial look at a picture of themselves.  I’ve had it happen to me.  So this slot would allow the person to play and win just long enough to get a few casino drinks in them.  Then, the icons would change to images of them taken by a camera hidden in the slot machine’s casing.  The player would get to see what they really look like, at three a.m., in a smoke-filled casino drinking gin and tonics.   

Featured Songs:  Line up three images of you with that lost look in your eye and The Real Me by The Who plays at volume 10.   If you line up three images of yourself with a smoke dangling from your lips, Cigarette by The Gimmicks rings out.  Finally, if you stick around long enough to hit a jackpot, Checkout Time In Vegas by The Drive-By Truckers would drive the point home.