It is with a certain sense of morbidity (not to mention that whole "I’m self-centered" thing) that I have decided to write an article about the music that is to be played at my own funeral. I can not say with any degree of certainty that this list shall make it’s way to my will – the whole thing is like the economy: subject to change without notice. It is a work in progress or a rough draft, if you will – something that is not set in stone (or even balsa wood for that matter).

Being an Atheist, I do not see my funeral taking place at a church. I have always adored both the world of cinema and the realm of music, so I imagine my memorial service would be more at home if it were to take place in a movie theater or a club… as long as it has a good sound system and the drinks aren’t too terribly expensive, I don’t mind either way… although I am presently leaning at the theatre thing… like The Egyptian in Hollywood, or The Crest in Sacramento (maybe even Grauman’s Chinese)… hell, we could raise the price of drinks and invite the tourists outside in… just hire some hookers or tell ‘em I was famous or something.

Certain albums have remained engrained in my memory banks over the years and have had some sort of meaning to me (at one time or another). I won’t go into the "Why" aspect… it would probably bore you to the point that you would wind up right next to me in a cheap makeshift-casket of your very own… not to mention it would take all the mystery out of the deep dark void people often refer to as "my mind".

I should go ahead and warn some of you: I have always preferred the music of the 80s. There was something about the neon, the copious amounts of hair gel, the wristbands, and the overall androgynous feeling that the decade brought about that worked for me (again, I won’t say why). I found the tunes from the 90s somewhat decent – and there was actually a rather long period where I didn’t listen to music, so most of the 90s came to me all at once. As for the first decade of 2000 era, well… at the time of this writing, I can honestly say that there really haven’t been a whole lot oftracks that have inspired me (with the exception of 50 Cent’s entire discography, of course – that nigga owns!).

A lot of this music is filed in the Depressing category. Now, I don’t want a lot of deeply depressing music to be played at my service (providing I even have a service… chances are, what little friends and family of mine do decide to show up will just light the cardboard box on fire and toss me into a ditch), but this becomes a bit of a problem considering that the masses generally consider most of my music as depressing (and I would like to take a brief opportunity to point out that the masses are in fact morons), so a lot of my favorites, like Pink Floyd, The Smiths (or Morrissey) or H.I.M., shall not be included (not on this list, at least).

As temptingly appropriate as it would be (not to mention everyone would expect me to add them to my list), Oingo Boingo shall not find their way to the gala event. The same rule applies to Goblin (or any other Italian composer – i.e. Riz Ortolani, Ennio Morricone, Pino Donaggio, Fabio Frizzi, the de Angelis brothers… although I would not object to their works being played as incidental music while the homeless people crashing the event stock up on rolled deli meats and those little slices of bread).

Camper Van Beethoven is a fun group… but I think their music would only disorient some people. The same with Tom Lehrer.

One-Hit-Wonders, such as the immortal "Kiss You (When It’s Dangerous)" by Eight Seconds, "Anything, Anything" by Dramarama, or "I’m Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred, will not be accepted (no matter how fitting they might be).

The Pet Shop Boys, Duran Duran and Tears For Fears are all wonderful and stuff… but I think each group only had one major song that ever really made me say, "Hey, play that when I’m dead, yo!"

And don’t you dare play Billy Joel or I will come back to life and beat your pathetic ass!

Chris de Burgh’s "Don’t Pay The Ferryman" is not an option. The Scorpions, Loverboy Foreigner, and any manifestation of Jefferson Airplane/(Starship) are to be used only in the event of an emergency (such as a hurricane, break-up, hook-up, or if someone inadvertently lights the sky on fire).

5. The Return Of The Living Dead Soundtrack
One of the best 80s Punk albums ever. TSOL’s "Nothing For You" and Roky Erickson’s classic "Burn The Flames" are only two tracks from a wonderful soundtrack. And if you can find Enigma Records’ soundtrack for Creepers (a.k.a. Phenomena) from 1985, by all means play that one, too!

4. The Cure
OK, so this may fall into the Depressing category I previously dubbed taboo, but The Cure just happens to be one of my all-time favorites… so there. Aside from ‘classic’ love songs like, the aptly named "Lovesong", some of The Cure’s soundtrack works are among my most beloved, such as "Burn" from The Crow and "More Than This" from The X-Files (1998)… sadly, the latter only ever found their way onto the US-issued "Join the Dots: B-Sides & Rarities" album (and their original soundtrack releases, of course), so I’m going to have to go with The Head on the Door as my personal pick (yeah, I was surprised by that choice, too – I figured I would have chose Disintegration or Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me for sure!).

3. Recollection: The Best of Concrete Blonde
What can I say? I love Concrete Blonde. I loved them from the very minute my oldest brother first played "Caroline" for me as we drove through misty mountains in Northern California on our way to Ashland, Oregon in 1992. Since that point in time, other songs from Concrete Blonde’s discography have managed to find their way into my list of Kick Ass Tunes, most of which are on the Recollection: Best of album (such as "Dance Along The Edge", the afore-mentioned "Caroline", "Heal It Up, etc.) with the exception of "Rain" from Mexican Moon. Group Therapy didn’t make the cut. Sorry, Johnette.

2. Depeche Mode
Anyone that disagrees with me that Depeche Mode was one of the greatest, most iconic groups of the 80s can lick me (alive or dead). They quite possibly are my favorite group – ever. Needless to say, I’m a bit indecisive as to which album to select here (yeah, I know: Me? Indecisive? What else is new?), as damn near every album from Black Celebration to Playing The Angel rocked (or whatever the term is for this particular kind of music) but I think I could narrow it down to Music For The Masses (e.g. "Never Let Me Down Again") and the epic Violator ("Enjoy The Silence" and "Halo" are very good examples there). You pick… it’s not like I’m going to object… I’ll be dead after all…

1. Phantom Of The Paradise Soundtrack by Paul Williams
You didn’t see that one coming did you? Back when I was in high school, I came across a then-oddity of a movie called Phantom Of The Paradise. For some reason, the movie had a huge impact on me and turned into something of a religion for me. As time passed (and I matured… slightly), the movie and its music still had a spot reserved in my subconscious. One day, I showed the movie to my (now) ex-wife. As the film came to a conclusion and the final song, "The Hell Of It" commenced, I turned to her and said "This is the song that I want played at my funeral." While some of the lyrics may not directly apply to me (such as the "bad in bed" line), the song nevertheless takes is similar to my sarcastic, negative, cynical, almost nihilistic look at life**:

"Roll on thunder, shine on lightning / The days are long and the nights are frightenin' Nothing matters anyway / And that's the hell of it.

"Good for nothing, bad in bed, Nobody likes you and you're better off dead
Goodbye, we've all come to say goodbye (goodbye) / Goodbye (goodbye)
Born defeated, died in vain / Super-destructive, you were hooked on pain
Though your music lingers on / All of us are glad you're gone."

And so forth.

Additionally, several other tracks from the Phantom Of The Paradise Soundtrack greatly appeal to me, especially "Faust" and "Old Souls" (and if you haven’t seen the movie, you’re a moron – and you should see it). So there you have it: 5 Albums (or so) To Play At My Funeral. That’s it. For now. Perhaps someday I’ll write a follow-up article 5 Albums To Play At My Funeral. But don’t hold your breath.

Enjoy.

(** = so people have told me, I tend to disagree)