Alien Siege sucks. I'm not even going to bother reviewing it.
Hey kids, let's make a Bad Movie Production Checklist instead, shall we? Consider it your rainy-day fun project!
Think of an idea. Just one. No more, no less. Solamente uno. The loneliest number. If, for some reason you have difficulty with that number, remember the amount of hit singles Right Said Fred performed.
Now that you have a rather vague inkling of a synopsis, pass that single, solitary idea off on at least two less-than-novice, unpublished would-be writers and tell them to use their imagination. No, they don't have any. That's the point. Give them a deadline of one week. Don't worry: you will use very little of what they give you.
Find a completely useless hack that's on a mission to prove himself/herself (whether it be to their family or a potential booty call). The less experience, the better. You have just hired your director.
Continuously build this project up like it will be the next Jaws. Neglect to mention you mean Jaws 3-D, Jaws: The Revenge or, at best, The Last Jaws.
Blow smoke up your director's ass. The more inflated their ego, the smoother things will run. Allow them to think they have full reign over the whole film: “You're the director! The vision and the success will be yours!” The promise of fame, fortune and glory can turn anyone into a pompous ass in no time at all.
 The one week writing deadline is up and the morons you hired to write your story haven't finished. If they have finished, take the pages and automatically tell them it's not what you wanted. Either way, fire them. Now that you've saved some money, add the finishing touches to the mess we will refer to as 'the script' and credit it to an alias (or better still, your pet).
Now that your director has that confident high school football player “I can do this!” look on their face, make an appointment with a production company/distributor. Convince them to shell out enough money up front to pay for your salary. Show them the script (note: think television or direct-to-video…there's no way you'll get this into theaters). Do not, under any circumstances, allow the director to speak in front of your new executive producer.
Hire a crew. Not a big crew. Four people, tops. Make sure that, between the lot of them, they can hold a boom, repeat everything the director says and push the red button on the camera to “make it go”. Make arrangements to set sail immediately. Chances are they will want to leave the country before the police and the victim's family finds them anyway.
 Determine where to film: Canada or Eastern Europe, whichever is cheapest. Find local producers. Lots of them. Give them a somewhat exorbitant guesstimate on the budget so that there is room to negotiate. Example: “A production of this magnitude would cost 1,000,000 is America, but we can do it here in your beautiful country of ____ for just under 250,000.” Deliberately avoid specifying which currency you're talking about and, when it comes time to collect, opt for the stronger one (the old “Oh, I meant pounds, not pesos.” argument is infallible). Find British backers if at all possible and yes, all backers/producers/investors can cast their family members, friends and mistresses…it's only fair.
Spend a fair portion of your newfound budget on a 'name star'. Not a popular star, though. Pick someone that elderly, invalid, or mentally handicapped viewers will be excited to see: someone whose time has passed and now they're reduced to making guest appearances at grand openings for chain fast food restaurants to support their drinking habit. Or an ex-athlete (they need crack money, too, you know).
If your potential backers ask how much they'll get back, multiply the contribution they wish to donate by 10%. Better still, give them Domestic release rights (note: damn near everything is released theatrically in Europe). That way, they'll actually make some money or at least overlook you when it comes time to place the blame.
Cruise lines are the most desperate for passengers during the winter. Book one ticket in coach and stuff your crew into a very large trunk. Or, tell them to buy their own damn ticket (you're not made of money after all!). Never you mind the equipment. You will rent the necessary junk when you arrive in the beautiful country of ____.
 Ah, beautiful ___. It's hard to believe you've made it this far without winding up in jail.
Tape homemade flyers everywhere announcing a casting call. If that doesn't work, resort to paying for an ad in a newspaper, on the internet, or on television. Don't pay them unless you have to. They will probably sound weird…that's because they're foreigners. Teach them to speak phonetically and loop their lines later with a cheap voice actor.
Hire local (pardon the misuse of the word) 'talent' for your crew. Also bring a translator on board (if you're in Europe, that is…most Canadians speak English) to misinterpret everything you or the director says (mainly the director…you should be hitting the Red Light Districts anyway).
It's not a question of “Can they act?” It's a question of “How much?” or, in very copasetic circumstances, “Will the bitch put out?”
Don't even bother with principal production/filming, post-production, editing, etc. That's their job. Your director and crew will take care of everything (remember: you are not paying these people. Your backers are taking care of that. Enjoy yourself.). All you have to do is show up every once in a while and invoke fear (gasp, “It's the producer!”).
 Occasionally, you should throw out the odd idea (just to see if anyone's listening or if they're dumb enough to do it for that matter).
Remember that computer geek you always seem to run into outside of the comic book store next to the coffee shop you habitually frequent? Yep, now's the time to bring him on board as the head of Visual Effects. He and all of his other Dr. Pepper-guzzling World of Warcraft buddies will have some passable CGI FX stapled into your film within 24hours. Candy. From a baby.
A few months later (or weeks, depending on the production), deliver your 'finished' flick to the production company/distributor. They might look at it. Probably not, though. Inform them that the backers in beautiful ________ have release rights for that part of the world, but that your production company/distributor can have the rest of the planet with the exception of Japan, of course…that distribution goldmine is for you and you alone.
 A year or two after you hand this abomination over to the production company/distributor, you will no doubt see it on the Sci Fi Channel. A year or two after that, you may see it on DVD. There's a small possibility that the production company/distributor will send you a copy of the DVD (they may even ask you to record a commentary track - don't do it: you may reveal to the world that you just don't give a shit and were ripping people off. This could ruin your career!). Whatever you do, don't buy the DVD: steal it or rent it if you must watch it (why would you want to?), but just look back on the whole incident as a wonderful vacation (in ___, nonetheless!).
There. You made a movie without spending your own money. If you planned things correctly, you may have even made a few bucks to stash away.
Laugh, laugh, laugh as you deposit your ill-gotten gains in the bank.
Repeat as needed.
NOTE: Should this checklist actually work for you, please be sure to add my name in the 'Special Thanks' and/or 'Production Advisor' categories (you can even pay me, if you like…I work cheap).
Thank you.
 Presentation
Image Entertainment brings the wonderful world of crappy Made-for-Television to life with what can only be described as a typical Image Entertainment DVD. Actually, I haven't picked up a DVD from Image since they stopped releasing good films back in the late 90s. Suffice to say, things haven't changed (at least as far as I can tell)…not with this title. The video is overall decent, but contains a lot of speckle-y white dot-like bits. The 5.1 audio is very good and I can't really think of anything bad to say about it (other than someone probably put way too much effort into it).
This particular title is part of the exclusive (?) Sci Fi Essentials line which is just a fancy way of saying 'Now you can pay even more than your already outrageously high cable bill to see that crappy flick you unwillingly watched part of on Sci Fi when you couldn't find the remote and were too drunk to get up to do something about it.' I wonder if Carl Weathers offered the same acting lessons to his co-stars on this film as he did to Tobias (David Cross) on Arrested Development… And what's with Brad Johnson (the hero of the story)? Did Tom Berenger and Richard Dean Anderson develop a hybrid of each other to split up their shitty movie job offers?
Extras
There's a Trailer for Undead or Alive (which actually looks good) and some disposable Production Stills (the whole movie is disposable, but…). If you're actually interested in hearing what a good job the director thought he did, listen to the Audio Commentary. Yes, no-talent Robert Stadd talks about how great of a film he made along with several of the…ahem, 'actors' from the film (none of whom are worth mentioning).
The Bottom Line
Need a shiny new inexpensive coaster? Good news: Alien Siege is now available in bargain bins everywhere!
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