 Let’s
consider the horror movie remake from the typical fan perspective:
In the mind of the fan, a bunch of executives hash out a sinister
plot to cash in on some beloved name, which leaves the newest
version fresh in the mind of pop culture and leaves the upcoming
generations of horror fans to turn their heads and go, “What,
that was a remake?” The fans are left with streams of
tears running down their cheeks and a stream of something
else running down their pant legs.
But outside of nostalgia, are there that many people who
hold the original Amityville Horror in high
enough regard that they actually cared it was being remade.
The original film is duller than a Spike Lee commentary track
and slower than the kid in the back of the bus. So, not unlike Ocean’s Eleven, Michael Bay’s
production  company,
Platinum Dunes, decided to try filming a good remake of a
bad movie ... which isn't to say the original Amityville is overly bad or the new Amityville is overly
good.
Starting off with a retelling of the (real) DeFeo murders
(including some delightfully tasteless actual news footage
suggested by – who else? - Michael Bay), we quickly
get comfortable with the Lutz family. There’s George
(a thankfully restrained and nearly unrecognizable Ryan Reynolds)
and Kathy (Melissa George), a newly wedded couple (I’m
only guessing they’re newly wedded because they’re
still happy), and their three precocious children, the possibly
retarded Michael, the ghost-befriending Chelsea, and the sexually
neurotic 12-year-old Billy (the infuriatingly named Jesse
James).
Things seem to be on the up-and-up when George and Kathy
decide to move the clan to 412 Ocean Avenue, a perfect bargain
for the family since they don’t seem to mind the history
of the death house. “Houses don’t kill people,”
George says to Kathy. The viewing audience hums “DUN
DUN DUNNNNNN!” in hopeful glee that Billy is the first of
the little bastards to get a round of ammunition to the back
of the skull.
What follows is a series of well-executed, though surprisingly
conventional set pieces. In fact, it’s almost quaint
and charming that a horror movie in this day and age is willing
to go for the “HOLY SHIT, SOMETHING JUST POPPED INTO
FRAME!” scare.  When the film isn’t going the traditional
haunted house route with chairs moving on their own or light
switches bleeding, it flops into Japanese horror rip-off with
Josie, the little dead girl who befriends Chelsea.
Though bafflingly, it’s never fully explained what
Josie’s intentions are. One moment she’s warning
Chelsea of the villainous ghost ready to possess her father,
in the next she’s leading the child to her death with
promises of a reunion with her dead father, or even forcing
the stoned babysitter to skull-fuck the shotgun wound in her
forehead. Is she an evil spirit who’s fooling everyone,
or is this just bad characterization?
And more importantly, why hasn’t anyone been killed
in some sickening way yet?
 Of course the answer is fairly simple: This is based on a
true story! While the screenwriter obviously wanted to deviate
from the source material (and believe me, I’m all for
replacing a giant disembodied pig head with a little dead
girl), apparently he just didn’t have the heart to completely
destroy the original and build from the ground up. So what
do you get? A dead dog. That’s it. A dead dog and a whole lot of “IT’S A DREAM!” scare
imagery. A dead dog, dream imagery, and a subplot involving
– no shit – an Indian burial ground! Surprisingly enough, the Indian burial ground subplot is one
of the real aspects of this “based on a true
story” fictional movie.
So all the film really amounts to is a lot of imaginary bloodshed
and enough utterances of the word “fuck” to garner
an R-rating. Is there really much  to
recommend here? Well, yes. Despite its shortcomings, it’s
still fairly quick-paced and efficient. The cast does well
with what they’ve got, especially Ryan Reynolds, who
surprised me by acting well enough that I didn’t see
him simply as a half-assed doppelganger for Jason Lee. Give
it to a 12-year-old and it might spook him enough to require
a nightlight, but even the most base of horror fans will probably
roll their eyes throughout the film.
But hey, it’s pretty to look at.
Image Quality:
Holy crap, this is some quality. The film
is sharp enough that you can see where Ryan Reynolds’s
fake bloodshot-eye contact lenses start and end, and the colors
are just what you would expect from another horror movie filmed
in dull-o-vision. Okay, that might be an exaggeration. While
the outdoor scenes are intentionally drained of color, the
night scenes come across much more balanced, with much deeper
color… mostly blue. Damn near flawless.
Sound Quality
A typical spookhouse movie needs a
typical spookhouse soundtrack, and Amityville is exactly what you would expect. The audio can be a bit front-heavy
when something creepy isn’t going on, but it’s
filled with enough musical stings to keep you on your toes.
And certainly when the movie goes apeshit in the last 20 minutes,
the soundtrack becomes a full-on assault. You’re bombarded
with blowing winds, creaking doors, the whispers of the damned,
and the auditory aura of Ryan Reynolds’ pecs.
Extras
First
up is the Audio Commentary by star Ryan Reynolds
and producers Andrew Form and Brad Fuller. It’s a generally
interesting commentary, which features the producers rattling
on about whatever information is in their heads while Reynolds
interjects every few minutes with a smarmy jab.
Deleted Scenes (with optional commentary from the
same group) consist of little snippets of character development
too worthless to include in the movie. There is even a short
clip of two characters that were cut out of the movie entirely.
Sadly, there aren’t any additional gore shots. You know, since there wasn’t any killing in the movie to begin
with.
 While
not a lot of ground is covered about the DeFeos in the film
or the commentary, the 17-minute documentary Supernatural
Homicide gives fairly decent background information for
anyone interested in the story behind the house. Featuring
people who were involved in the case and an “Interpreter
for the Dead,” this generally retreads what can be found
on the bonus disc in the Amityville Horror Collection.
If you don’t have that, this is pretty good.
Another documentary that centers around the making of the
film, The Source of Evil, runs 26 minutes and manages
to cover a decent amount of ground despite consisting of little
more than a lot of talking heads and clips of the film. See
Ryan Reynolds chop more wood!
On-Set Peeks is a feature you can enable that runs
during the movie itself. At various points, the film will
cut away to behind the scenes footage of the scene being filmed.
The nice part about this feature is it’s not billed
as “interactive” – you don’t have
to wait for an icon to pop up to hit the enter button on your
remote, the film will automatically cut to the footage.
 The Photo Gallery consists of three separate galleries: Crime Scene, House Interior, and Ghosts
and Torture. The Crime Scene section features
a collection of (what else?) crime scene photos, along with
extensive fake newspaper clippings and news reports that are
mostly too small to read. House Interior features
some rather unprofessional looking set pictures taken by someone
who insisted on using the flash even in a well-lit room. The Ghosts and Torture section consists of the drawings
depicted in the film itself. A bit of a letdown.
Lastly, there is a collection of Previews, which
does not include a trailer for the film itself. However, it
does feature a trailer for the direct-to-video Urban
Legends: Bloody Mary that looks so painful I put
it to the top of my Netflix rental queue for a possible review.
Yeah, I’m a sucker for easy targets.
Overall
Sure, you’ve seen it all before,
and not just in the context of a remake. But The Amityville
Horror manages to be fairly quick, painless, and
stylish enough to warrant at least a single viewing on DVD…
Or 20 viewings on late night pay cable.
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