I
hereby decree that college students in the state of Florida are
no longer allowed to make movies… and that
goes doubly for you,
Steven C. Miller, the so-called writer/director of Automaton Transfusion.
I cannot even begin to describe how truly awful this ineptly made feature
is, but here are some choice words I picked out of a thesaurus: dreadful,
appalling, dire, terrible, unpleasant, bad, and poor. All of these
words (and more) describe the no-budget shot-on-video atrocity that is Automaton
Transfusion: the zombie movie to end all zombie movies (and
not in a good way).
My feelings are not without merit on this one, folks: I love zombie
films! I especially love bad zombie films! But this
one is absolutely putrid.
For those of you that want a brief description of what the movie is
about, I regret to inform you that the plot suffered a horrific accident
and was left hideously deformed. Did this stop the talent-less,
drunken frat boys that shamelessly take credit for this movie from proceeding? Hell,
no! Why should it? Just think of all the pussy and weed they
got out of it!
 Automaton Transfusion is full of extremely stupid,
nearsighted individuals that apparently have no field of vision whatsoever. The
photography is shaky at best and will have you reaching for a motion-distress
bag long before the gore will. The gore? Yes, there’s
a lot of that… but it isn’t very good.
One character says “dead corpses”. Dead corpses?
A zombie epidemic is wiping out everyone in Grover City (just down
the way from Elmo City, Oscar the Grouch City and, of course, Raccoon
City) but nobody seems to notice until the streets fill up with hoards
of the living dead that materialize out of nowhere (bad editing). Several
kids manage to walk, run or drive back and forth between locales only
to find out that the high school janitor holds all the secrets (it’s
the government’s fault).
 Some guys show up near the end wearing S&M-like bio-suits.
Yes, these are all random thoughts… I am that upset over this
film that I cannot even write a decent review.
The acting makes me yearn for a daytime soap opera.
The music gave me a headache (the alleged composer receives no less
than sixty individual credits for three-second long notes played intermittently
throughout).
DEAD CORPSES?!
Characters simply show up with no prior introduction. Other characters
forget how to run and just get eaten.
 A zombie mother attacks her spectacled son wearing a Ramones t-shirt
and clamps on good to his cheek, prompting one to say “When pinching
gets old” or “What’s the difference between a Jewish
mother and a bulldog? A bulldog will eventually let go!”
Ha, ha, ha, ha… I made a funny.
The dopey chubby Franklin-wannabe dumbfuck that whines about everything
digs his fingers into the grass as he gets pulled into the water after
having his legs bit off: “You’re not drunk until you have
to grab a blade of grass to keep from falling off the face of the Earth!”
Whheeeee, I made another joke, heh, heh…
… dead corpses…
 If you like the unshakable feeling of motion sickness, check out the
grandma-jacked-up-on-caffeine-and-cocaine-like photography.
The movie ends with the words TO BE CONTINUED. I
shit you not. They couldn’t even come up with an ending.
Do NOT watch this film if you suffer from epilepsy. Seriously.
Actually, do not this movie at all.
Should I ever meet Steven C. Miller, I will punch him (the sad thing
is he’ll probably make it big in Hollywood).
 Presentation
Bad, bad , bad. It’s not even framed well. Maybe
that’s
supposed to give it an arty look, but it doesn’t work. The
muddled dialogue is often drowned out by the bad music (a plus,
I ‘spose).
Extras
Providing you didn’t eject the DVD and smash it into the wall,
you can watch the mind-numbing Special Features (if you like). Dare
to sit through the movie again, only this time, play the Audio
Commentary with Writer/Director Steven C. Miller and Producers William
Clevinger and Mark Thalman. If you’re still a fan of the
film (and for the sake of movie industries everywhere: seek help!),
check out Trials And Tribulations: The Making Of Automaton
Transfusion (25:49), followed by four useless Deleted Scenes
(2:33), and Suffer Or Sacrifice: A Short Film By
Director Steven C. Miller (4:54). Thrill to the eviscerated
sounds of drugged-out strained scene kids with the “Can You Hear
Me Now” Music Video By Blinded Black (3:34) and the equally annoying “Arsenaholic” Music
Video By Dancefloor Tragedy (3:56) and finally, as if the movie wasn’t
bad enough, enjoy a mini recap with the Trailer (1:59).
Honestly? I couldn’t watch any of these Extras. Out
of curiosity, I started both of the Music Videos and quickly hit the
Skip button. I’m guessing you had to be there or something
(that or I’m just to old to get it).
There are also some previews that play automatically before the
Main Menu: The Mist, Rogue, Planet
Terror, Halloween (2007), and Furnace.
The Bottom Line
Beat it or burn it: it goes up pretty easy.
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