While I sit and pray that the Complete
Series of “Cop Rock” will
make it’s way to DVD in a Special Edition treatment sometime soon, I have
to say that the Second Season of “Barney Miller” will
more than suffice in the Classic Cop Comedy category.
The underrated Hal Linden leads a cast of comedic talents
in this Second Season of the Award Winning sitcom. Linden
stars as Captain Barney Miller of the 12th Precinct in
New York City along with series regulars Barbara Barrie
(Elizabeth Miller, Barney‘s wife), Abe Vigoda (Det.
Fish), Max Gail (Det. Stan “Wojo” Wojciehowicz),
Ron Glass (Det. Ron Harris), Jack Soo (Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana)
and Gregory Sierra (Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale).
If you’re tired of cooking shows, shopping channels
and sitcoms that feature pretty people that can’t
act, take a dip into the Ghost of Television’s Past.
Disc 1
Episode 1 - Doomsday - Disgruntled after his role
in Escape From The Planet Of The Apes several
years prior (and the fact he rarely returned to any television
series after one role), William Windom walks into Capt.
Miller’s office wired with dynamite. Wojo arrests
a conman pretending to be a priest (future series regular
Steve Landesberg).
Luigi’s Useless Information: Here’s something
that’ll drive your Conspiracy Theorist friends nuts:
this episode, entitled Doomsday, was broadcast
on September 11, 1975 (26 years before the Twin Towers
of the World Trade Center fell in New York City…where
this show takes place)  and guest star William Windom is
famous in “Star Trek” lore
as Commodore Decker in Episode 2.6: The Doomsday Machine. Doomsday. 26. 2.6. …beware…
Episode 2 - Social Worker - Barney panics when
Liz goes on social worker duty (in the Bronx) while Chano
and Harris delight over the skills of an expert forger. James
Gregory guest stars as Inspector Luger.
Luigi’s Useless Information: This episode features
both of the Gregorys from Beneath The Planet Of
The Apes: James Gregory starred as General Ursus
and Gregory Sierra played a mutant in the film.
Episode 3 - The Layoff - The state is cutting
back on manpower and every precinct (including Barney’s)
is fair game: Chano, Harris and Wojo all feel the love. Three
criminals round up this one: a manicurist who stabbed her
client (Candice Azzara), a guy caught selling stolen fur
coats (Oliver Clark) and a stockbroker who’s been
reduced to purse snatching (Bob Dishy).
Luigi’s Really Useless Information: The make-up in
several episodes of this season are credited to Joe Blasco. A
lot of you old Fangoria readers may recall that name from
an advertisement that frequented issues in the late 80s/early
90s. Blasco worked as a make-up artist in several
B-Horror flicks back in the 70s (mostly Canadian-made)
including David Cronenberg’s Shivers and Rabid as
well as two Ilsa films. He also did make-up
for A Touch Of Satan, Parts: The
Clonus Horror and Track Of The Moon Beast (in
which he played the monster)…all three of which
were parodied on “Mystery Science Theater
3000”…which also featured Time
Of The Apes; a Japanese rip-off of (yep, you guessed
it!) Planet Of The Apes.
 Episode 4 - Ambush - After Yemana takes a bullet
in the ass during an ambush, Detective Kelly (Dick O’Neill)
fills in. Barney gets a job offer in Florida, but
he passes…recommending Fish for the position.
Luigi’s Useless Information: David Doyle (Bosley
on “Charlie’s Angels”)
guest stars as Emil Ditka (a name I can’t help but
wonder is aimed at Three Stooges regular Emil Sitka).
Episode 5 - Heat Wave - New York is going crazy
with the heat. The windows won’t open. There’s
no air conditioning. The only fan in the building
moves at an alarming speed of 6rpm. Many of the boys
dress in drag to catch muggers and an already embarrassed
Wojo is even more humiliated when someone attempts to rape
him in the park. A battered wife asks Fish what he
thinks of a man that hits his wife. Fish smiles (amazing
how the now taboo subject of spousal abuse was taken so
lightly at this point in time). Linda Lavin (“Alice”)
co-stars as Det. Wentworth.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Look quick for Phantom
Of The Paradise co-star (and choreographer) Peter
Elbling (a.k.a. Harold Oblong). It should be noted
that Phantom’s songwriter and star,
Paul Williams, starred in Battle For The Planet
Of The Apes.
Look, I don’t know why I keep bringing up the Apes franchise. I’m
sorry…I’ll try not to do it again.
Episode 6 - Arsonist - Chano arrests a poor dolt
who shot at a vending machine (Roger Bowen) and an arsonist
disrupts everyone’s day.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Ooh, if more people
would only shoot vending machines…I know I’d
like to most of the time…especially that one in
Meadowood Mall…yes, I remember, my dear vending
machine…and some day, when you least expect it…I
will strike! I’ll
teach you not to give me my criminally-priced
bottle of Aquafina!
 Episode 7 - Grand Hotel - One of two episodes
from this season in which another set is used. A
ritzy upper-class hotel is taking people for everything
they have. Wojo and Wentworth go undercover as a
married couple. “Soap” star
Robert Mandan plays a house detective who brings in a very
young Adam Arkin as a suspect.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Since even the most
mild swearing was practically verboten on television
back then, Linda Lavin’s character resorts to opening
her purse, sticking her head inside of it and screaming.
Episode 8 - Discovery - Payroll thinks Fish is
dead (he’s doubtful, too) and won‘t issue him
a paycheck. A gay couple claims to have been harassed
by one of Barney’s men. Chano and Harris arrest
a man they think may be a jumper. Despite the fact
that Wojo is homophobic, the episode itself isn’t
(which is nice).
Luigi’s Useless Information: At the beginning of
this episode, Fish claims to have had nightmares from watching
a movie the night before. The movie he describes
is obviously Soylent Green with Charlton
Heston, the star of Planet Of-- um, I
mean…a certain classic science fiction film involving
a world full of highly evolved primates - ha!). This
episode also features my most favorite line involving Abe
Vigoda’s resemblance to Boris Karloff.
Episode 9 - You Dirty Rat - Yemana, Chano and
Fish screw up a bust and wind up with 20 kilos of marijuana. Wojo
catches a young lad (Franklyn Ajaye) trying to steal a
police car. Fish gets a kidney stone. When
Narcotics shows up to confiscate the Mary Jane, there are
only 18 kilos and one hungry rat in the evidence locker.
Luigi’s Useless Information: The Narcotics guy (Val
Bisoglio) looks like the late great Douglas Adams.
 Disc 2
Episode 10 - Horse Thief - As the nation gears
up for a Bicentennial Celebration, the denizens of New
York City start to go crazy: a hansom cab driver (Liam
Dunn) reports his horse missing. Chano brings in
an assault victim who insists he was alone and that he
slipped and fell. Bruce Soloman (Children
Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things) shows up
as a flag salesman that Wojo brings in. Ron Masak
plays a mounted police officer.
Luigi’s Useless Information: A former casting director,
Liam Dunn is probably best known for his roles as Reverend
Johnson in Mel Brooks Blazing Saddles (he
also played in two more of Brooks’ features). Dunn
is also said to have discovered Warren Beatty, George C.
Scott and Steve McQueen. He died in 1976.
Episode 11 - Rain - The dilapidating condition
of the building threatens to drown the entire precinct
as the roof begins to leak. To make matters worse,
Harris and Chano bring in a stand-up comedian (Sidney Miller)
whose bicentennial jokes started a riot. Phil Leeds
plays an agent.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Depression spreads like
an epidemic as each detective watches the rain through
the window except Fish (he’s already there).
 Episode 12 - Fish - Fish: unplugged. Budget
cuts force the 33rd Precinct to close and they send over
Detective Arthur Dietrich (Steve Landesberg) to join Barney’s
team. Fish is asked to train, but he’s reluctant
to do so for fear of losing his job when he’s done. Fish
actually goes home in this episode. Doris Belack
subs for Florence Stanley as his wife Bernice.
Luigi’s Useless Information: As much as I love Abe
Vigoda and his portrayal of Fish, his home life is less
than entertaining (something everyone learned in the spin-off
series “Fish”). Landesberg’s
Gregory Peck impersonation sure helps, though.
Episode 13 - Hot Dogs - A man’s wife is
missing…the photo he provides looks suspiciously
like Jean Harlow. David L. Lander (Squiggy on “Laverne & Shirley”)
is a pusher a couple of ambitious female officers (Nellie
Bellflower and the luscious Jonelle Allen) bring in on
their spare time. James Gregory returns as Inspector
Luger.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Is it me, or is James
Gregory wearing the exact same outfit he wore in The
Manchurian Candidate (1962)? He should have
wore his General Ursus outfit instead.
Episode 14 - Protection - A thug confesses holding
up a liquor store, fearing that mobsters running a protection
racket in the area will get him. A rumor surfaces
that the 12th Precinct will close. Wojo brings a
retired mobster (Ralph Manza) in for questioning.
Luigi’s Useless Information: I always wanted to start
a protection racket when I was growing up, but then I found
out the government was doing the same thing legally.
 Episode 15 - Happy New Year - Fish gets a call
about a jumper who wants peace, but he can’t get
Kissinger on the phone to make him come down. Wojo
gets to deliver a baby in Barney’s office. Elizabeth
finally shows up again after a thirteen episode absence.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Johnny LaMotta makes
an appearance in this episode: he was a regular cast member
on “ALF”, played Duke on a
few episodes of “Frasier” and,
more importantly, played in several really bad Golan-Globus Ninja films
in the mid-80s. He also played a cop in Breakin’ 2:
Electric Boogaloo, a movie some people regard
as the quintessential Bad 80s Musical/Dance Film (although The
Apple could give it a run for it‘s money
any ol‘ day).
Episode 16 -The Sniper - A rooftop sniper takes
a potshot at both Wojo and Luger. Meanwhile, an eccentric
wacko (Jay Robinson) is charging people to leave their
bodies behind and take a metaphysical journey to Saturn…more
than thirty years before Marshall Applewhite made media
headlines. Charlotte Rae (who played Mrs. Garrett
in “The Facts Of Life” and
several other series) guest stars.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Jay Robinson was quite
the guy back in the day: not only did he ham it up as host
on “Beyond Bizarre”, but he
also played Caligula in Demetrius And The Gladiators, “Buck
Rogers In The 25th Century” and even the
TV series of “Planet Of The Apes” (damn,
there it is again!).
Episode 17 - Fear Of Flying - Wojo is assigned
to escort a bigamist (Jack Riley) back to Cleveland but
he’s afraid to fly. The bigamist’s New
York wife (Valerie Curtin) shows up and overdoses on sleeping
pills. Meanwhile, a man brings in an envelope he
found containing $3,500 but doesn’t want to wait
30 days for someone to claim it.
Luigi’s Useless Information: I would like to take
this opportunity to extend a very big ‘thanks’ to
the guy that stole my wallet at the Cineplex in San Diego
when I was in the eighth grade: I hope you’re proud
of yourself, taking an innocent young lad’s only
spending cash like that. I’ll have you know
that my faith in humanity died that day.
 Episode 18 - Block Party - It’s official:
Wentworth and Wojo are sleeping together. Fish and
Yemana apprehend a nudist in a Laundromat. Harris
can’t think of a subject to write about. Wentworth
returns from duty at a block party with Chano furious that
another precinct stole her collar. George Murdock
makes an appearance as Lt. Scanlon and Joey Bishop’s
son Larry is in here, too.
Luigi’s Useless Information: George Murdock will
ring a bell with some X-Philes as an Elder of the Cigarette
Smoking Man’s super secret geriatric club. He
was also in the original “Battlestar: Galactica” as
Dr. Salik.
Disc 3
Episode 19 - Massage Parlor - Wentworth busts
a male prostitute at a massage parlor (Wojo becomes a little
jealous). A man claims to have been assaulted by
an elderly woman (“Any distinguishing marks?” “Wrinkles.”).
Luigi’s Useless Information: One of the old ladies
questioned kind of looks like an old Bruce Greenwood in
drag.
Episode 20 - The Psychiatrist - Wojo gets sent
to a psychiatric evaluation and winds up suspended after
a thug presses charges. The psychiatrists decides
it’d be best if he evaluated everyone at the 12th.
Luigi’s Useless Information: Yeah, I remember when
I was sent to the school counselor. Actually, it
happened every year. I don’t know why. You
walk around with a dead frog on a stick once and
they peg you for life…completely unfair!
Episode 21 - The Kid - Fish busts a young lad
for trying to steal his wallet. When the kid’s
mother (Angelina Estrada) comes down to the office, Fish
develops an attraction towards her (yeah, go Fish!). The
guy that turned in the $3,500 returns to claim his prize. An
old man (Arny Freeman) holds up a hearing aid store with
a fake gun because he can’t hear.
Luigi’s Useless Information: As someone who has had
an elderly relative that cannot hear worth a shit, I can
say that the scenes of the officers screaming at the old
man in an attempt to communicate with him only to have
him hear everything completely wrong really hit home for
me.
Episode 22 - The Mole - An underworld fugitive
nicknamed “The Mole” is chased into the sewers
by Harris and Wojo…much to the dismay of everyone‘s
sense of smell. Fish has a severe case of hemorrhoids
but is afraid to have an operation.
Luigi’s Useless Information: The late great Severn
Darden plays a well-read homeless man. He also portrayed
the Nazi-like Inspector (later Governor) Kolp in Conquest
Of The Planet Of The Apes and Battle For
The Planet Of The Apes (there, I did it! I
finally really did it! Damn me! Damn me all
to Hell!).
Presentation
Video in the mid-70s wasn’t as crystal clear as it
is today. Needless to say, the picture quality is
not terrific, but it’s about all that you can expect. Some
episodes look better than others. Sound-wise, we’re
treated to an English Mono Stereo...there are no subtitles
or alternate audio tracks. Deal with it.
Extras
On Disc 1, there are some previews for other Classic
TV on DVD (I can‘t believe they colorized the early “I
Dream Of Jeannie” and “Bewitched” episodes
- such sacrilege!) and the Close Encounters Of
The Third Kind: Ultimate Edition DVD. Disc
3 features two Minisodes: “Charlie’s
Angels”: Angels In Chains (1.4)
featuring Mary Woronov as a prison guard and a very young
Kim Basinger. While short, I still had enough time
to wonder which one I’d take: Kate of Jaclyn. I
don’t get this whole Minisode thing: like the attention
span of your average person isn’t short enough as
it is, but editing a 45 minute episode down to just over
6 minutes? I don’t care if it is made
by Aaron Spelling or that it does feature the
abysmal non-acting talents of Farah-Fawcett-Majors, it’s
still stupid.
The other Minisode is “The Facts Of Life”:
. I haven’t watched that show in years and
I didn’t bother watching this (besides, I don‘t
need to rekindle my unhealthy obsession with Kim Fields…I
just don‘t. I‘m sorry, Kim, but I must
move on).
That’s it, I’m afraid (again: deal with it). I
don’t know why some wanna-be filmmaker at Sony didn’t
invite the surviving cast members to lunch and record some
interviews (lemme see…five meals at Happy Burger
costs what, $25?). Don’t get me wrong, I’m
happy to see this series on DVD, but I think Sony could
do better Special Feature-wise on future seasons (and you
should, too, Sony).
The Bottom Line
Brew a pot of horrendous-tasting coffee that would make
Yemana proud. Pick up a dozen crullers. Sit
back. Laugh. “Barney Miller” is
on.
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| Barney Miller - The Complete
Second Season |
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| 4 |
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| Feature -
Funnier than “JAG”. |
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| 3 |
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| Video -
The gloriously bland pastel colors of the
70s return…remastered! |
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| 2.5 |
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| Audio
- Tinny at times, but it‘s live 70s
television, kids...what did you expect? |
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| 0.5 |
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| Extras -
Don’t you take online polls to ask fans
what they want, Sony? |
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