(Editor's Note: He warms up to the baseball stuff,
folks. I swear he does. Please be patient with our writer,
folks, he was dropped on his head as a kid.)
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Roger
Clemens is wrong. Those knucklehead baseball players are
wrong. Everybody within 300 miles of Baltimore is wrong.
Not just wrong, but wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
The thing about Cal Ripken is that he isn't just losing his
hair, he lost it. It's gone. Cal has no hair. He cuts
it short because his hairline sucks and he has no hair and
damn you crazy Orioles fans if I catch you on my lawn again
I swear I'll shoot you and your mother was a two-bit whore
down at the docks leave my dog alone get off my lawn!! GAH!!
When you're talking about unbreakable records, yeah, sure,
talking about Ripken's 37,819.34 games streak, a 43-year
stretch during which Ripken appeared smug in every game he
played. I admit, it's one hell of an accomplishment. Good
job, Cal! Big pat on the back. Most of us  can only manage
to be faux modest all-American apple pie boys seven out of
ten days. You managed the trick ten out of ten. Huzzah!
But Kevin Costner banged your wife. Oh! Ay, Little Boy
Blue. He needed the money. OHH! Good old Mother Goose, remember
her? I fu----
Ahh, hell, nevermind. Anyway, two words: Rickey Henderson.
Suck on that, Cal. Suck on Rickey Henderson like you've never
sucked on something before, because Rickey is the guy and
you are the lie. Am I right or am I right? You didn't even
play in most of those games! Your twin brother Salvatore
took your place a LOT. We all know it. Stop the lies, Cal.
Stop the hate. Sometimes ... people make a war ... Don't
know what it's for. (Business.) World is big.
 So Roger “I'm For Rent” Clemens, a sure Hall
of Famer if ever there was one and a guy who is not Barry
Bonds, hosts Baseball's Most Unbreakable Feats,
a 90-minute program about the life of baby seals. The meat
on baby seals is tender and delicious. Saucy! They make for
a great jacket lining, too. If you're a baseball fan you'll
have no problem guessing what the most unbreakable baby seals
are. Ripken's fake record. Joe Coffee Machine Guy's 56-game
hitting streak. Bob Gibson's 1.12 ERA. Cy Young's 500-freakin'-11
holy crap! wins. Yada yada yada, blah blah blah.
They include Nolan Ryan's assload of strikeouts, which
is good, because that record rocks and so does Nolan Ryan.
Bet he cooks a mean steak, too, Texas dude that he is. But
they also include Ted Williams' famous .406, which – and
excuse my French here – is fucking stupid because it's
fucking not even fucking a fucking record. Fuck! Who thought
of that? The Last Guy To Hit 60 Home Runs isn't a record,
never was a record, so why is this? Crap. And dumb, too!
How can they call that unbreakable when Tony Gwynn was just
a few swings away in 1994? It's doable. Not likely,
sure, but doable. What a stupid entry!
 Eric Gagne, 84 straight saves. Too recent a record. Why
is this included? It's impressive, sure, but you need to
let something stand the test of time for a decade or three
before you start calling it unbreakable.
Oh, and Pete Rose. You dirty betting on baseball drunk
whore fucker, take your 4,256 hits and shove them up your
grimy, arrogant, unshowered ass. How'd you like that? You're
not even going into the Hall. Ha ha! Sucks, doesn't it? You
asshole. You should have known better. No Hall for you!
Barry Bonds isn't in this set. Thanks the freakin' Lord
Our Savior Jesus Christ Who Art In Heaven Hallowed Be His
Christly Freakin' Name.
Where was I? Oh, right. Baseball's Most Unbreakable
Feats. This was awesome. Totally rad DVD. I loved
it. Even though Roger Clemens is the most stiff, awkward,
goofy host ever, the feature itself is great. You've got
current ballplayers talking about awesome, legendary records.
It's great to watch superb talents gape in awe at what their
predecessors did. That's cool. This tickled my baseball
fancy something fierce. And Rickey Henderson is better than
all of them, especially that kid from Minnesota. The white
one. You know the one I mean.
 Yeah, that's the kind of straight up rock and roll with
soul I'm talking about. Hansel and Gretal, straight up, word
'em up on the level.
I liked every moment of this (except for the lame parts
with Cal Ripken) and so will every baseball fan (except for
Cal Ripken fans because the only thing they like is Cal).
Get it. Yeah.
Disc Presentation
Yo yo yo, check it. When I rock da mic / you gots ta
like / the way this disc / it don't look pissed. Dat picture
is clean / I'm straight up mean / and footage is good /
bitch knows she would. Yo, kick the human beat Boxxxxxxxxx,
y'all.
Looks good, sound is a touch muddy, overall a good presentation.
 Disc Extras
Cool extra stuff: short bits on four other great baseball
feats that fell just short of making the cut. That's
a nice extra bit o' discussion fodder for you baseball types.
And none of them feature Cal Ripken. Yay!
The Bottom Line
You want to boil this down to a sound byte, I can do
that for you. I have no morals. No scruples. No ethics.
I will sound byte it if that's what it takes. They just
simple people, want simple life. Simple land, simple thing.
We have so many places. World is big. A place enough. That's
right. C'mon. Yeah.
Sound Byte: This was great fun to watch and is sure to
get baseball fans talking. And that's cool, because few things
are more pleasurable than talking baseball. Fuck off, Ripken!
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