I smell conspiracy in everything: milk, war, beef, rebate checks, and of course, margaritas… the latter of which is made with tequila, a product of my distant cousins in Mexico.  Somewhere above Mexico lies the US State New Mexico.  It’s not new.  It’s not Mexico.  It just… is.  With the Roswell UFO Crash Site becoming less and less of a tourist attraction every year (after all, if you want science fiction these days, you need only dream of a stable economy), the good state of rocks and dirt aplenty is working on developing their film commission: yes, New Mexico has aspirations of adding a lil’ town called New Hollywood to their map.  More power to ‘em, I say: Hollywood itself has become nothing more than a hollow shell of decadence, drugs and Akiva Goldsman… oooh, it makes me shudder just thinking about it.

In an effort to prove they can make bad movies just as well as their competition, New Mexico brings us Conspiracy.  Basically, it’s just an uncredited remake (or rip-off, depending on your point of view) of the far-superior Spencer Tracy classic Bad Day At Black Rock.  Whoops, did I give the plot away already? 

I’m guessing Val Kilmer took part in this film so that he could help out the New Mexico Film Commission (which would make sense, considering the actor owns a huge ranch in the state) and the making of this film did give about 70 New Mexicans a chance to work/train in the independent motion picture industry (New Mexico has a small population)… so oh, what the hell, I’ll forgive Val… but just this once: it is charity work, after all.

After a long, boring, confusing almost Slaughterhouse Five-ish opening (complete with several flashbacks) that emphasize Val Kilmer’s ever-expanding face, we get around to the familiar story of a wounded Iraq vet named MacPherson (Val) who travels to a remote western town of New Lago (which is being constructed) to see his old Marine buddy Miguel (Greg Serano).  Naturally, Miguel is missing and no one in town admits to knowing him.  The whole town is being constructed by a corrupt business tycoon (the great Gary Cole - yes, Bill Lumbergh himself) via inexpensive Mexican labor (which is, after all, the American way) and then there’s the damsel in distress (Jennifer Esposito) blah, blah, blah--who gives a shit?

To be truthful, I’m a bit disappointed by the lack of conspiracy in this movie.  You’d think that a movie called Conspiracy would be bursting at the seams with all sorts of schemes and plots and plans and such… but no, there’s just one big bad half-assed conspiracy here which is more like a slight imperceptible hush-hush… think Conspiracy Lite (a fluffy, wispy cover-up with a satisfying, suppressing taste!).  On the flip side of the coin, I have to say that the lead (professional) actors turn in some decent performances (for what they were paid) and when the film’s climax finally comes around, the low budget action kicks into gear and the movie starts to become slightly entertaining.  Oh, by the way, co-star Jay Jablonski is a pretty good-looking guy and shows a bit of potential, too… somebody save him before it’s too late!  Despite the very unoriginal script, Conspiracy is still more entertaining than The Island Of Dr. Moreau (1996)… plus it’s a lot of fun to dub Gary Cole’s dialogue with lines from Office Space (“yeah… oh, oh, and I almost forgot… ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too...right… ”)!

Now, a few words about Val Kilmer - specifically his face.  Wow, I always thought he had a rather meaty mug (right on par with Mike Nelson and Arch Hall, Jr.) but with Conspiracy, it has become painfully official: Val Kilmer is turning into a largemouth bass!  Close-up shots are at risk of being overtaken by his big fleshy kisser throughout the entire movie!  Val: either lose a few pounds or have ‘em shoot you at nothing closer than a medium shot from now on, alright?  Other than that, keep ‘em coming.

Presentation
Well, at least the audio/visual quality of the film is nice… the colors are bright and crisp and the 5.1 sound is most adequate (except when people mumble in the film… which they do… quite frequently).

Extras
Sadly, there aren’t any Special Features on this disc - unless you consider Trailers to be Special Features, that is… in which case there are quite a lot of Special Features.  “How many Trailers are there?” you ask?  Well, there are more Trailers here than there are centimeters on Val Kilmer’s huge, huge face!  Feast your orbs on these thrilling Previews and Promos: the annoying (but new!) Blu-ray bumper; Guy Richie’s Revolver; the Steven Seagal yawn Pistol Whipped; Thunderheart with a younger, less ample Val Kilmer; The Shield Season 3; We Own The Night; Dolph Lundgren’s Missionary Man; Southland Tales (I once had a dream Justin Timberlake was a kung-fu star… scary, eh?); Cleaner; Black Water (keep on rollin‘, Mississippi Moon won’t you keep on shinin’ on me… ); “Damages” Season 1; the remake of April Fool’s Day; Bats: Human Harvest; and Rescue Me Seasons 1-3.

The Bottom Line
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday: “Mad” Madmartigan vs. “Buffalo” Bill Lumbergh in a bloody fight to the death… only at Thunderdome!