| Come on, where would David Caruso be without this one? More importantly, where would David Caruso’s sunglasses be without this one? For fuck’s sake, the man takes them on and off intermittently throughout every single episode of CSI: Miami! Why doesn’t he just leave ‘em at home? Oh, wait… it’s Miami… that means it’s sunny… and there are
hot chicks… not to mention the guy’s a redhead, so his delicate albino eyes will undoubtedly burn clean right out of his
skull should he not wear the sunglasses at all!
However, should Caruso opt to keep his sunglasses on, then his hypersensitive, squinty orbs would most likely shut off
completely… and how would he give women, men, and children the creeps by subtly, casually, and lecherously leering
at them then?
 Maybe it’s an intimidation thing. You know, he says “I’m a cop… and you’re guilty of murder, son” to which the
grungy-suspect-kid laughs out “You’re joking, pig!” At this point, the sunglasses come off, Caruso’s hands go on his
hips, and the grungy-suspect-kid shivers at the sight of the two small globules imbedded into his sockets. “Would
anybody with beady little eyes like these joke?” Caruso replies… and the grungy-suspect-kid confesses all. Once the
sunglasses are back on though, the grungy-suspect-kid suddenly wakes up from his brief hypnotic-like trance and
realizes he just confessed all to Satan’s creepy little redheaded NYPD Blue minion. Then he goes to jail.
Anyone else have goosebumps?
As to how CSI Miami manages to woo its audience is anyone’s guess. Apparently, people don’t mind seeing the
same damn thing every week: Caruso’s bad acting, dumb CSI montage sequences with lots of choppy and shaky
editing, dialogue that would make Jeb Bush sound intelligent, ridiculous awe-inspiring high-tech digital gadgetry that
don’t even exist in the Star Trek universe, and a nauseatingly excessive use of yellow-orange filters to help convey the
fact that we’re supposed to be in sunny Miami all of the time. Not even Alias used filters this much.
Oh, wait… this is a Jerry Bruckheimer production, isn’t it?
No further questions, your honor.
 Presentation
In case you’re interested, CBS/Paramount brings us all twenty-one episodes from the Sixth Season of “CSI Miami” (the show lost about three eps due to the 2007/08 Writer’s Strike - which was no big loss, really) on Six Discs with
some truly wonderful-looking transfers in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen. This is the only portion of the set that I can
abide by: the colors here are truly great and light up like an old whiskey-voiced chain-smoking hag after her AA
meeting.
The English 5.1 sound however, while good, doesn’t entirely leave one saying “Wow!”. In fact, it might even cause
one to shout “What?” several times over the course of an episode. The only other Audio track is a Spanish Surround
one.
There are no subtitles, but Closed Captioning is available.
Hmm… Season Six… six discs… there has to be another six around here somewhere… somebody check Caruso’s scalp,
quick! But wear gloves, for God’s sake!
Extras
Episodes 608 and 612 (on Discs 2 and 4, respectively) contain optional Audio Commentaries, the first of which (Ep
#608) is conducted by episode director Eagle Egilsson (I would have sued my parents over a name like that) and
writers Krystal Houghton and Barry O’Brien (the latter of whom I would sue for creating “Hannah Montana” and Kangaroo Jack alone!). The second commentary (Ep #612) features series performers Rex Linn and Elizabeth
Berkley. The other Special Features here are housed on Disc Six and consist of Featurettes/Interviews like Four-Sight: Directing CSI: Miami (16:46); Playing Dead (6:11); and The Real Women Of The MDPD (16:28), which is hosted by Miami star Emily Procter (who looks like she may suffer from blepharospasm) and interviews various female Miami-Dade PD
officers (and make the air-headed stars from the show look that much worse by comparison). The final Featurette is Analyzing Season 6 (13:20).
Previews for just about every other (and often better) CBS series are included on Disc One as well.
The Bottom Line
On a parting note, I leave you with some profound words from David Caruso: “I wear my sunglasses at night. And
during the day, too. I can take them off with one swift stroke and put them back on again as if to say ‘I am way cooler
than you’… which I am. It’s an effective dramatic effect that works most effectively when you are limited on talent… or
starring on a TV show… or both. I‘m David Caruso. Good night.”
What a guy.
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