Within the first five minutes of Evan Almighty, a dog craps in a yard. Two young brothers, Steve Carell’s sons in the film, high-five each other over the canine’s triumph. Welcome to yet another film written by Steve Oedekerk, a man who can be described at best as an insidious force in the business, worming his way through dire project after dire project. With writing credits for such films as Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, the Nutty Professor remakes and, Christ help us, Patch Adams; Oedekerk has to be the most quietly reviled man in filmmaking.

But, as you would expect, nothing’s stopped Oedekerk from wrinting, and now he, along with a bunch of other what I assume to be good-hearted people, have graced us with the astonishingly boorish Evan Almighty, a movie that strives to deliver a positive, Christ-friendly (but not in an alienating way) message, but fails on not only that level, but on just about every other level as well.

Actually, the squeaky-clean Christian thing might be the best part of the film, and I say that as a person born into Atheism – but that has everything to do with the casting of screw-it-I’ve-got-nothing-to-prove Morgan Freeman. Politically correct image of black God or not, don’t you just want to give him a blanket and a hug? I’d convert if it meant Morgan Freeman was my personal lord and savior. We’d sit by the fire, eating soup with those puffy little oyster crackers.

Getting back to the actual film, Steve Carell plays Evan Baxter, a man who has risen from lowly bit player found in the films predecessor to full-on Congressman. Leaving his old life behind, Evan packs up the wife and kids and moves into a little closed-gate community for bigwigs and fatcats. Hoping to make a difference but not knowing exactly how to go about it, a mysterious crate full of anachronistic tools lands on Evan’s doorstep.

Evan disregards the creepy, torture-porn-esque package and gets to work on his political stances, getting roped into sponsoring a bill by Congressman Long, who wants to open up the protected enviornment with the promise of urban sprawl. Considering he drives a Humvee and decorates his kitchen with rainforest wood, Evan doesn’t see the big deal and goes ahead with the sponsorship.

Evan’s plans for political power run astray when God sends him a message in the form of Genesis 6:14, and I quote (because if you’re going to steal something, steal something from the bible):

Make thee an ark of gopherwood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shall pitch it within and without with pitch.

God, being a sadistic kind of guy, sends his woodland creatures after Evan (dominion over the animals sounds awesome), who is eventually convinced to do God’s holy work. To seal the deal, God puts the voodoohoodoo hex on Evan and makes sure his personal hygiene will never exceed filthy hippie status. And thus (good biblical-esque word) Evan Baxter sets out to create an ark, huge in size and capable of collecting all the animals, great and small, one pair each. Except insects. Mother fuck insects.

Evan, along with his sons, get to work on creating the ark after God takes the liberty of raiding the Baxter’s bank account and buying off the surrounding lots. But, every story needs an antagonist, and Congressman Long will do anything in his power to tear down Evan’s dream – a dream that must smell really bad.

Sounds really cute, right? Well, basically it is. Evan Almighty fails at its core because of how bland and inoffensive it is, even for family fare. Apparently in hoping not to offend anyone who might be touchy to the whole religious aspect, Evan Almighty does away with almost anything resembling a joke that’s been crafted since 1787. Animal feces, crotch-biting and pratfalls (there is literally a musical montage set to hammer-and-thumb slapstick) are big in Evan Almighty, harking back to vaudeville, only without the witty wordplay and puns.

The film isn’t an outright atrocity, getting by on the talent of its stars. Steve Carell manages to bring a smile to the face with his deadpan delivery and, like I mentioned before, Morgan Freeman is one of the few people who deserve to just coast on his past and plod endlessly onward to his own imminent death through cash-in roles. The only moments that manage to arise a chuckle are the bits that are improvised. While they might not be the wittiest of quips, every throwaway line clashes with the rest of the film. For example, while Wanda Sykes can be a constant source of irritation anywhere else, her obvious riffing on Carell’s ever-changing appearance (“Did you fall down a mineshaft?” being a particularly dry jab) is absolutely welcome in the film.

Ultimately the film works best as background noise. Evan Almighty is pleasant, if not a little cloying with its generically noble agenda, but you might get a chuckle and some warm fuzzies if you’re feeling particularly sappy and easily exploited. In other words, it’s Steve Oedekerk’s best film. I wonder how he sleeps at night. Probably on a bag of money.

Presentation
While the budget has “epic” written all over it, Evan Almighty looks pretty bland, and the DVD presentation is a great representation of the film’s flat style – the color and contrast feel quite accurate, and the film is free of dirt and grain. It’s what you expect from a major studio film from 2007.

The audio is on par with the video presentation. As the film is quite animal-driven, Evan Almighty is full of screams, yelps, squaks and growls.. The separation sounds excellent, and the speakers get a constant workout as soon as the animals enter the film.

In addition to the foreign dubs, another touch of the politically correct comes in the Descriptive Video Service audio track, which plays out like an old timey radio play, as an unnamed narrator describes what’s going on onscreen in a jaunty manner. Blind people always get the cool stuff.

Extras
While not filled to the brim with all the insight you come to expect from the DVD format, Evan Almighty’s bonus features, like the film itself, rely heavily on message. Unfortunately, this message is simple and pretty much upheld by everyone on the planet, so it all feels like mindless repetition, but hey, the sentiment is there, right?

The Deleted Scenes section consists of 15 minutes of tiny bits and pieces that were cut from the film. There aren’t many full scenes presented in this feature, just simply a few bits of fat trimmed away from the finished product. And as expected, the Outtakes section features a few quietly blown lines to balance Morgan Freeman’s potty-mouth.

Steve Carell Unscripted could have easily been stuck in the Outtakes section, as it features the constant riffing that Carell brings to… Well, he didn’t actually bring it to the silver screen, considering it’s just sitting here on the DVD, now did he?

Now onto the more technical aspects of the features: The Ark-Itects of Noah’s Ark is a six-minute segment documenting the creation of the ark featured in the film, which was built to literal biblical proportions. It’s interesting in that they actually built this monster, for the most part, while A Flood of Visual Effects details the computer-centric aspects of the ark.

Animals on Set: Two By Two is a twelve-minute featurette documenting, you guessed it, the on-set antics of the animal co-stars. Evan Almighty has the honor of being the film with the most amount of animals, and this documentary takes you through the process of training and filming animals, such as goats, sheep, otters, bears, elephants, and other delicious treats

One of the more surprising extras on the disc is Casting Call: Serengeti, which if you’re not familiar with was a promo that aired during those obnoxious commercials you find playing at the local multiplexes. I’ve seen is a dozen times before while going to see a film in theaters, but I think this is the first time I’ve seen it on a DVD.

A feature to be appreciated by kids, Animal Roundup Game features kid star Jimmy Bennett hosting a board game aimed at kids. Well, I don’t have kids, and I’m not drunk enough to take this seriously.

The rest of the features have an eco-friendly slant, which is nice and all if you don’t consider Evan Almighty’s own budget. The Almighty Green Set features director Tom Shadyac and friends talking about their efforts to offset the energy and manpower it took to get the film onscreen – by planting trees, buying everyone on the production a bike, and donating all the on-set wood to Habitat for Humanity. It’s Easy Being Green tells you simple ways of conserving energy, while Acts Of Random Kindness spotlights the cast and crew and their suggestions about how to be a nicer person. And finally, we have a rolling credits sequence dedicated to those who helped plant trees via the internet. Sleep tight Hollywood, you have paid for your cinematic crimes.

The Bottom Line
Evan Almighty works better as a warning than entertainment, and that warning is that no matter how important your message is, it can be swallowed up in excess. Swallowed up and never to be heard from ever again. Evan Almighty will not captivate you with its storytelling, neither will it offend you unless you’re particularly thin-skinned. It just sits there. Let it alone.