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I told you.
I fucking told all of you.
FROM DAY ONE.
While I wasn’t bowled over by The Sixth Sense, I could appreciate it on a cinematic
level, as M. Night Shyamalan clearly had a talent in a field of PG-13 horror that you
didn’t expect in its field. Sure, I thought it was a bit contrived and silly, but I thought he
had a gift – but from day one, I was a “Sure it was okay, but don’t hold your breath”
naysayer. Round two approcheth: I had the same experience with Unbreakable – again, I
appreciated what he was doing, but I clearly didn’t “get” the “hype” that “everyone”
“was” “experiencing.” Round three: Signs. One word: Ha. I didn’t even see The Village or Lady In The Water, but I crowed like a madman.
Now we have the very secretive, near-Cloverfield-ian The Happening and, sweet
mercy, this movie is genuinely terrible, from stem to stern. But first, let me point out that,
like my list of films featuring dogs eating severed penises, I have seen way too many
films where plant life kills people. Just this year I witnessed The Ruins, but who can
forget Evil Dead, and its sexier sister Evil Dead 2? In fact, I’m set to review the Friday
The 13th television series any day now, and even that has an episode featuring murderous
vines.
 The conceit works in exactly two of those. And if you can guess which ones, I’ll give you
a dollar. Clue: It isn’t The Happening.
So it’s Mark Wahlberg, you see, and he plays a science teacher, and badly. Now, he’s
married to Zooey Deschanel (who I am in love with, by the way), who is equally as bad
as Mark Wahlberg shockingly enough. These two knuckleheads play a married couple
that finds their lives thrown askew when… Okay, now here’s the part where you turn off
the movie, plants start releasing pollen into the air, which, unexplainably, force people
to babble incoherently, and then axe themselves.
That’s the gag.
Now, when the rumor mill was flying around, I heard the phrase “killer trees” and all
sorts of lovely images flashed in my mind: sentient trees uprooting and tripping people
into oncoming traffic, a tree wearing a bandana and chewing on a human like a toothpick
while firing anti-aircraft guns at helicopters - trees breaking into homes and gang-raping
Zooey Deschanel, like a combination of Straw Dogs and The Evil Dead. Trees tying
helpless women to railroad tracks! Clearly my life would not be complete until I see an
evil tree shove Mark Wahlberg into one of those giant vent fans that spin at 35 RPM, yet
can turn a human into pulp instantly.
 This was not to be.
Pollen.
The Happening is sheer, brutal, camp at its very core definition. It has absolutely no
self-awareness about how terrible it is, how hackneyed the acting is, how lame the non-ending is, it is, without a doubt and without a shred of irony or hyperbole, a holocaust of
entertainment. Think of the hundreds of people involved in the making of this film. There
had to be literally hundreds of people, from M. Night Shyamalan down to craft services,
down to the very people who volunteered to view this film in a test audience and then
decided it was in a releasable condition, and they’re all to blame.
 M. Night Shyamalan thought what Mark Wahlberg is doing onscreen was good. He
doesn’t realize that everyone is playing it like silent film actors. Oddly enough, they act
just about as well as silent film actors trying to make the move to talkies.
In fact, the entire first scene is all the more frustrating because, as we view a collective of
crazy people mindlessly flinging themselves off of rooftops (and later turning on a giant
man-helmed lawnmower and lying in front of it), you wish, you pray that Shyamalan is
in on the joke because, if played for black humor, these moments would be fantastic – but
no – the man is sincere. And that is both respectable, and fucking terrifying.
 Another example: M. Night Shyamalan had to, at one point in his life, think of the phrase
“Be scientific, douchebag.” Then he had to write, “Be Scientific, douchebag” on a piece
of paper. Then he had to transfer “Be Scientific, douchebag” to his script. He then had to
take his script, which contained the phrase “Be Scientific, douchebag” to a series – A
SERIES – of studios, eventually being picked up by Fox. Fox thought the phrase “Be
Scientific, douchebag” was so good, it just had to be filmed, and then they sent the script
with the phrase “Be Scientific, douchebag” to Mark Wahlberg, who, apparently decided
that he must, he must, he must say the phrase “Be Scientific, douchebag.” They built sets,
they rolled cameras, and, in all of its mediocre glory, Mark Wahlberg said the phrase “Be
Scientific, douchebag” on film.
And nobody stopped them.
Presentation
I am unable to give a proper assessment of The Happening because I was shipped a
DVDR screener that was clearly of horrible quality. I am sure its still, atmospheric steely
antiseptic tone is ported over exceptionally in terms of both picture and sound.
Extras
As if they weren’t aware of the film they made, Fox has graced The Happening with a
mighty collection of extra including:
Deleted Scenes
It is absolutely safe to say that you will only care about the extended lion attack scene.
The Hard Cut
The 9-minute mini-doc shows off how to properly film the murdering of children. It’s
sort of a cheap moment to gain emotion from the scene, but, in the context of the film,
those kids fucking deserved to get shot, plain and simple.
“I Hear You Whispering”
This four-minute clip centers on the character of Mrs. Jones, who sweeps into the final
act of the film and makes it even more ridiculous than it used to be. You remember the
last inappropriate five minutes of Black Dahlia? That’s what Mrs. Jones is, spread across
the final act break.
The Happening – Visions of The Happening: A Making Of
Read that title again. I fucking dare you.
A Day for Night
Oh I get it – these features have cutesy, inappropriate names for a hard-R horror film! Oh
man, I even hate the DVD as an inanimate object.
Elements of a Scene
A ten-minute exploration on John Leg-Zam’s suicide scene, we get the storyboards, the
pre-visual computer animation, and then the actual creation of the shot. I have to admit; I
wish all of the extras were dedicated to breaking down the (at the very least) watchable
suicide scenes.
Don’t forget the superfluous Gag Reel and Trailers for other films that aren’t The
Happening and must be better than The Happening by default. Oddly enough, the Gag
Reel isn’t even blown clips from the film, they’re just “funny” moments from the
making-of segments.
 The Bottom Line
The Happening is the first film where I felt the gore was truly unwarranted: M. Night
Shyamalan was portrayed as the man who was above such cheap gimmicks, a man who
didn’t need blood to make you feel your heart sink into the pit of your stomach. The
move is calculated, cynical and unnecessary. And that sums up the entire film in a
nutshell.
P.S. M. Night Shyamalan looks like Michael Jackson in 1984 – fuck that, motherfucker
looks like Rockwell in 1984. And I bet he gets the feeling that nobody’s watching him.
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