 Like it or not, for the most part Christmas
has become a monument to consumerism. This is no recent thing
either; I’m sure it was that way long before my presence
graced this planet. But the '80s was the most unabashedly
consumerist of them all. Throughout the decade, wherever the
holiday could be exploited it was. No place was more ripe
for this than the children’s shows that were arguably
the most consumerist of them all – He-Man And
The Masters Of The Universe and She-Ra: Princess
Of Power. And boy did these shows kick their consumerism
into high gear for He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas
Special.
 |
On the faraway planet of Eternia, preparations are underway
for Prince Adam’s and Princess Adora’s birthday
party. But while all these good times are being had, Orko
(the legless floating elf) is engaging in his usual tom-foolery
and ends up taking flight in Man-At-Arms’ experimental defense
rocket, the Sky Spy. Fans of He-Man know damn well that Orko
is one dumb and annoying motherfucker. In fact, Orko has caused
He-Man more trouble than Skeletor, Beast Man and Evil-Lyn
combined. He should have banished him years ago and did the
hibbidy-dibbidy with Teela – but I digress. As usual,
Orko starts some shit and He-Man has to finish it. You see,
Skeletor noticed the ship flying around and went on the attack.
He-Man and She-Ra smash the hell out of Skeletor’s ship
but in the process the Sky Spy gets lost. So long Orko! He-Man
doesn’t even know you were on board. I had high hopes
that the ship would crash land right in the heart of Snake
Mountain, but instead the Sky Spy lands on Earth. (Yes, our Earth). This proves most fortunate for two Earth children
who would have been smothered by an avalanche if not for Orko’s
intervention.
Here is where the Christmas theme kicks into high gear. For
whatever reason, the kids were out getting a Christmas tree.
Now, back when I was a wee bastard, my parents were
in charge of getting the tree. They didn’t send me out
to the Alps with a saw and a sled to demonstrate my seasonal
spirit. Anyway, in exchange for making it so that they wouldn’t
become future anthropological finds, they decide to teach
Orko about the meaning of Christmas. Apparently, it is about
presents and thinking about peace and goodwill. Like Orko
gives a shit.
Meanwhile, Man-At-Arms discovers where the Sky Spy went,
but his tractor beam can’t go that far. He needs a special
crystal from Etheria. Princess Adora agrees to leave and go
back home to find the crystal. Her party probably would have
sucked anyway. So with the words “For the honor of Grayskull”
she transforms into She-Ra and leaves home to talk to the
French Mermaid, Mermista. Mermista tells her that she must
fight the Beast Monster in order buy time for Mermista to
swim around and find the crystal. She does this, but then
the HUGE FUCKING ROBOTS attack her. Even Swifty can’t
out run the Monstroids! (Are you
folks following this? Because I'm sure as hell not –
Editor) “What evil robots!” Swifty
says, speaking far too gruffly for a winged horse decked out
in pastels, but whatever. So, yeah, they get back to Eternia
and get the crystal back to Man-At-Arms.  Now
he can teleport Orko and the two children back to Eternia.
The two damned Earth children, too! Since our heroes don’t
know if they will be able to get the kids back home in time
for Christmas, they agree to combine Adam and Adora’s
birthday party so they can have Christmas on Eternia!
(Oh dear lord ... - Editor)
“Noto, this shit sounds like it sucks more balls than
The Star Wars Holiday Special!” is what you are probably
saying (I sure as hell AM saying
that – Editor); and you wouldn’t be
far from the mark. But this special has had evil robots, near
death shenanigans, and a flying horse. Yours has Art Carney,
Bea Arthur singing, and 15 minutes of Wookie talk. Plus, mine
isn’t even half-over and it is about to get so friggin’
awesome.
See, the Horde Prime (who I think is a unique-to-this-show
character) summons Skeletor and Hordak to capture the children.
Apparently, they have caused a disturbance in The Force by
letting loose Christmas Spirit on Eternia and the only way
to rectify this is through a good old-fashioned kidnapping.
Skeletor and Hordak fight as though they were married, or
at least from the same gay fraternity, over who can catch
them first but are interrupted when Horde Prime slams down
his large metal fist and tells them to get to work. I don’t
like Prime – nobody fucking disrespects Skeletor (except
for He-Man, naturally).
 And
nothing disrespects the He-Man program like
the abomination of a Christmas song Bow is about to perform
for the kids. “Love and Sharing” is so awful it
has to be heard to be believed. Sadly, Hordak doesn’t
show up until after the song is done. One could argue this
was just a coincidence, but I would say anyone with common
sense wouldn’t get within hearing distance.
So anyway, there is still some sort of He-war going on. Hordak.
Ships. Blah blah blah. Hordak finally shows up but doesn’t
get far because the Monstroids stop the ship from going anywhere.
For completely unexplained reasons they want the kids –
and take them they do. Luckily, the Manchines (cute humanoid
robots who are enemies of the Monstroids) come fully equipped
with all the right tools to break them free. He-Man and She-Ra
show up in time to defeat the Monstroids by turning them on
their back. Apparently, like turtles, if you flip a Monstroid,
they are done for. Good to know. (I
still don't know what any of this means – Editor)
This is where the show turns from silly fun to total unabashed
awesomeness. In the midst of all this, Skeletor sneaks in
and kidnaps the children himself. After Skeletor’s scooter
gets knocked out of the sky, he wrestles with the notion of
getting the kids to Horde Prime on foot. But one of the kids
has keeled over from the freezing weather conditions of whatever
planet they're on. The other kid seems like he's about to
do the same. Skeletor uncharacteristically uses his staff
to give them coats to keep them warm on their march to impending
doom. The clueless kids express gratitude to him, but there
is no way in hell Skeletor is going to allow them to take
the Manchine puppy along with them. So now humanity starts
to develop in Skeletor. Could this be the Christmas Spirit?
He carries the dog along with them and the grateful puppy
starts licking Skeletor’s face, causing him to actually
grin! This is possibly the most surreal event in the entire
history of both shows and it is masterfully done.
But hey, they are still on their way to their death, right?
 Despite
Skeletor’s best efforts to convince himself that he
is still the bad guy - “I don’t like being good.
I like being eeevvviiilll!” - Skeletor gets so distracted
by his own pussification that he gets his ass knocked unconscious
by He-Man and She-Ra. Horde Prime’s ship shows up and
a big claw extends from it to grab the kids (apparently, he
doesn’t have a tractor beam like everyone else). Skeletor
wakes up and uses his staff to destroy the claw and SAVE THE
KIDS! Skeletor is actually so good-mannered in this special
that he develops a headache. But he is happy to hear that
Christmas only comes once a year so he can revert to his more
comforting evil ways.
That pretty much ends it. Prince Adam (He-Man) dresses as
Santa Claus and gives the kids belts that enable them to fly.
Then Man-At-Arms sends them on home, back to their unappreciative
adoptive parents. The father is about 400 lbs. overweight
and nearly has a stroke when the kids turn on their flying
belts. Prince Adam just wasn’t thinking when he gave
them those damned toys.
He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special runs about twice as long as the average episode and at times
it lags, but the finale is absolutely awesome and anyone aged
22 to 32 who remembers the days when The Transformers, ThunderCats, Silver Hawks,
and He-Man ruled weekday afternoons will
get a kick out of the nostalgia trip.
 Presentation
This Christmas special looks a good
deal better than it has any right to. Televisions in 1985
certainly don’t look as good as they do now, but lets
say you had a top-of-the-line TV with the best possible reception
of broadcast TV – this DVD presentation looks more clear
than that. There is nothing here that goes into detail about
any extensive restoration, but it looks great and no one should
complain about the video presentation. The audio is 2.0 and
is completely suitable for this set. There is a Spanish language
option as well, but no subtitles, which is really my only
issue. Well, that and the absence of Teela for most of the
show. She was He-Man’s bitch so you would think she’d
get at least some spotlight.
And The Extras Are?
You get quite a bit which is kind of surprising
for a one-off special.
The Holidays and Morals of He-Man and the Masters of
the Universe (35:45) - This goes on for far too long
and is a bit redundant. Many of the employees of Filmation
discuss how great He-Man was for having morals for every episode.
They are right in everything they say, except that everyone
says mostly the same thing. If you are a surefire fan of the
series, this is worth your time, but if you are here for the
kitsch, don’t bother.
The Heroes and Villains of He-Man and the Masters of
the Universe (30:43) - I enjoyed this feature quite a
bit since it is about the colorful characters I remember from
my youth. It goes to great lengths covering the conception
of the characters, how non-violent the show really was despite
the barbarian looks, and talks to the same participants of
the first doc about how they feel about the characters today.
This is good fun and well worth watching after the show.
“I Have the Power” music video featurette
(8:03) - This is a surprising inclusion since it has
little to do with the special and is actually a music video
from The Secret Of The Sword, a He-Man theatrically
released movie that as of yet is not on DVD. This movie is
actually about the meeting of He-Man with his lost twin sister
She-Ra. If the movie is ever released, I imagine this will
be included there as well. The song is weak, unsurprisingly,
but it is all good kitsch. Cute.
 He-Man’s
Montage of Morals (4:17) - Awesome. In the actual show,
every episode had the moral readdressed to the audience at
the end. This is about six or seven of these endings back-to-back
and serves no purpose other than to reinforce unintentional
hilarity. My favorites are Ram-Man telling kids not to ram
their heads into things, Teela teaching kids the importance
of the Magna Carta, and Zodac discussing the importance of
when you should and should not use force.
Character Profiles– This is a run down of
the characters from the She-Ra universe. I presume this is
included because Princess Of Power has yet
to be released on DVD and newcomers may question who some
of the characters in this episode are. This is a list of those
characters with a text bio; each includes a link which takes
you directly to their scene in the episode. Neat idea. Learn
all about Adora, Bow, Broom, Catra, Frosta, Glimmer, Hordak,
Kowl, Madame Razz, Mermista, Modulok, Queen Angella, She-Ra,
Spirit and Swift Wind (which is She-Ra’s horse, not
a sudden fart.)
Orko’s Fun Facts– Orko tells you all
the geeky things you need to know to impress the ladies, such
as this Christmas special is the only episode to feature the
Laser Bolt vehicle and how the Manchines were never heard
from again.
The shooting script is also available as a DVD-ROM feature.
The packaging is also quite awesome. It features a neat embossed
cover and includes an insert and two 6”x4” art
cards inside a gatefold sleeve. The art cards I received are
numbered 5 and 6 of 16. I can’t believe they would randomly
insert these, so I imagine that the other 14 cards are in
the other He-Man related DVD sets. Either
way I get a nostalgia woody over shit like this, so I am more
than happy they put the effort into the packaging, despite
the misspelling of “villains” on the back.
And Now Some Parting Words
There are a lot of detractors of He-Man,
and most of what they have to say is completely accurate.
The show had poor recycled animation, forced morality, and
was constructed solely to sell toys. But for the life of me,
I can’t get over how silly it is. It hasn’t aged
as well as better programming like The Transformers and ThunderCats, but it has aged differently;
to amusing results. Even with Skeletor’s turn at being
“good” in this episode, he is still one of the
most bad-ass villains in animation history. For He-Man or
collectors of the bizarre, this is a keeper. For any other
interested parties, it is definitely worth a rental. It has
made me want to spend money on the rest of both series.
And with that money spent it seems that 20 years later, He-Man
is still serving out his original purpose – to sell
stuff.
|
