Ladies and gentlemen, I fucking hate DVD reviews. 

No, after nigh three years of doing the things myself for this website I love, the process of writing these things continues to be extremely satisfying, it's the format itself that bugs me. From serious review sites to me sitting here striving to be entertaining in an un-self-conscious, non-smug way, every review you've probably seen has basically read the same. So, in the interests of innovation, and due to the self-indulgence of my subject for this review, the glorious Hudson Hawk, I present this equally self-indulgent review in real-time, after downing a handful of sleeping pills chased with cough medicine. Hopefully this will give a small look into my process of writing while simultaneously allowing me to get away with turning in a first draft under the guise of format experimentation. Hopefully my next review will be presented in collage format, but that's in the future. 

12:24:46 A.M.: Never trust a movie that starts with a book opening up. The fable conceit basically gives the writers carte blanche to write any goddamn thing they want, it's like an automatic Deus Ex Machina. Don't like the fact that Bruce Willis is basically Jesus with a fetish for jazz? Too fucking bad. 

12:27:35 A.M.: I pop four generic-brand sleeping pills from Wal Mart with some NyQuil as soon as Sandra Bernhard's credit hits the screen, finish just in time for Frank Stallone's. 

12:36:44 A.M.: You see, Eddie “Hudson Hawk” Hawkins is the very definition of cool - he's done his time, gotten out of jail and is already wearing his signature hat. He has four earrings on his left ear - not his right, his left, so you know he can't be gay. The word's most successful cat burglar. Knows the running time of every song, ever. Seduced by the Italian wiles of Frank Stallone, Hawk is enticed back to the wonderful world of high-class crime. Story by: Bruce Willis. 

12:48:35 A.M.: Cost for a used copy of The Return of Bruno on Amazon.com: $6.98.  

01:01:45 A.M.: In a single, obnoxious scene, we are introduced to just about every one in the film, the cast of heroes and villains including Sandra Bernhard and Richard E. Grant, Nunly Andie McDowell and a selection of thugs named after Nestlé candy bars in a bit of product placement that must have inspired the product placement bit in Wayne's World. 

01:22:14 A.M.: It was around the time when Bruce Willis mails himself to the Vatican when I, and I suspect everyone else in America, started to get the feeling that Hudson Hawk was a comedy. Written by Daniel Waters and directed by Michael Lehmann of Heathers fame, no less. 

01:43:01 A.M.: DOUBLE-CROSS! Angie McDowell slips a mickey on Willis, who gets drugged almost as much as Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner. 

11:12:36 A.M.: I wake up from my pharmaceutical-daze with the screensaver on my DVD player activated and the cat standing on my back. I only have vague recollections of what actually happened during the film - something about Da Vinci's alchemy machine. Sandra Bernhard and that wacky fruity guy trying to overpopulate the world by crashing the market with a flood of lead turned into gold. Something about never attending a hat convention, I don't fucking know. This was a bad experiment; worse than that time I tried to review something I didn't even watch. This might be worse than when I got hit by a truck trying to track down a copy of The Dark Backward when Sony didn't bother sending me a copy. Screw it - I'm getting a sandwich.

Presentation
Now, I've never seen the original release of Hudson Hawk that was put out a few years back, so I can't gauge if there's been any marked improvement, however the new special edition is quite unimpressive by any standard. Generally soft, and washed out in its color palette, it's surprising when you remember that this film was pretty high-budgeted for its time. The audio fares better, coming in a plain 2.0 surround soundtrack. Films with worse reputations get better spit-shines than this.

Extras
Seemingly ported over from its original release is a passive-aggressive audio commentary featuring director Michael Lehmann promising not to gossip about the stronger goings-on behind the scenes, so why bother listening, right? The Trivia Track cribs enough of the exact same information you might or might not watch. Listening to the commentary or reading the trivia track would require watching the film again, and I know I want to avoid doing that as much as possible. 

Vanity projects that crash and burn usually mean the high-profile actor is a no-show when it comes to DVD extras, but Bruce Willis isn't a goddamn pansy, showing up proud and free during The Story Of Hudson Hawk. Good for him. Along for the ride of executive producer and piano man Robert Kraft, who trades stories back and forth with Willis, both trying to convince the other that they still like this movie. 

Full of personal plugs and general strangeness, My Journey To Minerva is sort of a performance piece by Sandra Bernhard, as she recounts the making of the film. Thankfully taking itself less serious than the downer commentary and the Story Of, My Journey To Minerva, while heavily scripted and full of clips still manages to be the most sincere of the extras. 

The Hudson Hawk Theme is a rarely seen Dr. John music video, directed by Antoine Fuqua, who would go on to direct Bruce Willis in Tears Of The Sun. Rounding out the less than stellar special edition is a selection of trailers for Monty Python And The Holy Grail, Dynamite Duo, the Milla-riffic Ultraviolet, and The Detonator.  

And there's a handful of unnecessary deleted scenes about a dead monkey sidekick. But then again, every scene in this movie is as equally unnecessary as the material that was cut out of it.

The Bottom Line
Grown somewhat into a cult film over the past decade-plus, Hudson Hawk was originally marketed as an action film when it's a Looney Tunes-inspired comedic romp with a violent streak. Looking back on it without the mismatched marketing shows a film that still doesn't work whatsoever, even under the influence of pills and booze. Its reputation is well earned.